Heidi Klum

Heidi Klum Topless and Lotioning Up and Down Her Bodyguard; Seal Is Going to Rage!

 

Disclaimer: I was once blizzard bound in the Reykjavik Airport for eight hours with Swedes on holiday (if you know of this phenomenon, than you already feel sorry for me) who plowed through endless bottles of vodka while they sang Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' from The Bodyguard over and over again for the entire duration. Ever since that time, the mere mention of the word 'bodyguard' recalls so much post-traumatic stress, I curl up into a ball and hide behind my Holly Hobby overstuffed pillows and whimper softly.

Somebody obviously less averse to bodyguards is Heidi Klum, who has basically now admitted that she's banging her long time bodyguard, the dude with the tattoos, but insists (counter to Seal's claim) that she only let the bodyguard into her inner body after she was completely split from the Kiss from a Rose singer. The truth -- we do not know. But we do know that Heidi Klum at nearly 40 remains one hot (and might we add, naturally breasted) women.

(Thanks to EgoReader 'Kiff' for these photos. We know they're from a French mag, but not precisely sure of the original photo dates or locations.)

Heidi Klum Has Got It, So She Flaunts It, and We Want It

Super hot, single, rich, and that wicked dominatrix-like accent has me running for the cold shower and poetic proposals on cologne-scented notecards every time I catch sight of Heidi Klum ditching her single-mom gear for her professionally tight and hot working woman gear.

The Germanic blonde and veteran MILF hottie took New York by storm at the end of last week when she came in a tight hugging outfit to sign copies of her book about something to do with stupid fashion. Heck, we'd even pretend to be interested in fashion for just the chance to see Heidi Klum slipping out of her clothes in the evening. Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian, Nina Dobrev, and Kate Upton Among the Many Many Hotties at Cannes amfAR Gala

You know nobody loves a gala more than me. Big swank dress-up affair. As long as crocs are excepted footwear, I'm in. Especially so when half the hot-women in the known universe are in attendance, like the amfAR Gala in Cannes last night, where it was wall to wall sextastic celebrities. Some we love, some we love a little less, but all looked hot and I'm told the drinks were free, so who has time to judge personalities.

Which brings me to Kim Kardashian, who outside of nipple slipping and showboating, had little reason to be in Cannes, but, hell, she looked pretty hot at the amfAR event; so did her former high school classmate (educational term used loosely), Billionaire Barbie, along with the likes of Kate Upton, Nina Dobrev, and too many others to even name. But check them out, because it's sure to spark you're 'I'm Going to Be A Future Movie Producer and Bang My Leading Ladies' fantasies.

And, oh, for a surprise, check out the gallery and see if you can find who wore the boobtastic see-through dress to the party. Enjoy.

Irina Shayk and Tamara Ecclestone Among the Hotties at the De Grisogono Fancy Pants Cannes Party

I don't even know what this party is for, but it was hella fancy. Even by Cannes Film Festival standards. It featured not one, but two heiresses flashing their bodies, Tamara Ecclestone and Billionaire Barbie, and, I guess Nicky Hilton was there too but she's so boring I fell asleep trying to find her. Throw in Heidi Klum, Victoria Silvstedt, Irina Shayk, and Kelly Brook, oh, and a bunch of old dudes with tuxedos and sick amounts of cash, and you have a veritable casbah of celebrity hotness transplanted right there last night on the Mediterranean.

Yeah, I'm never going to get invited to parties like this, and even sneaking in will be tough due to  my hyperextended left nut, but, when there is ogling to be done, you've got to play through the pain.

Heidi Klum Goes Newly Single Sideboob Show for DKMS Gala

As you know, I am set to become the adopted son of Michelle Hunziker any day now, but since I still have some doubts as to whether or not she'll fully sign the adult son adoption papers, I'd be foolish to give up my backup moms plan. Included in my sweet hot MILFtastic Plan B are, of course, Stephanie Seymour, because I've seen how kindly she can be to her sons, and, Heidi Klum, the newly single hot German model mega-businesswoman mom who showed off her potential cougar chops with a sideboob baring dress at the DKMS Gala last night in N.Y.C.

Heidi is tall, hot, blonde, wealthy, and she already has like a gaggle of kids -- she'd barely even notice me joining the brood, save for wondering why I'm the one kid climbing into her bed each night telling her I had a bad dream. That is my good dream. Enjoy.

Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, and Halston Sage Lead List of Hotties at Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards

Up front let me say, I have no idea who half of the kid-land starlets of today are exactly. It's not exactly as if I'm perusing Nick shows during 'tween hour to get in solid chunks of laugh-track backed junior high comedies. However, my young concubine, the delightful Inez P. Minge, spends most of her days eating bulk licorice and watching Victorious, etc, so I got a bit of the insider's scoop.

At this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards Show, where essentially 12-year old girls pass judgement on what constitutes talent, the usual cast of celebrity characters made their marquee mark on the red carpet and on the stage, and, let's be honest, if 12-year old girls ran the world, we'd be in a shitload of trouble.

Still, the gathering was call to bring together a bunch of Hollywood hotties, young, and a bit older, all dressed in G-rated frocks that showed a lot of leg, but no cleavage, like lip gloss ad girls, cute, but without a hint of sexuality. Included among them were Katy Cocktease, whose team of publicists insist that she's happy, so she must be, Selena Gomez, who can't ever not look hot, Halston Sage, some young sextastic blonde with a made-up name form the Nick stable (and one of the few above 18 in the lineup, so we can actually officially call her 'hot), Ariana GrandeHeidi KlumVictoria JusticeAshley Tisdale, and a bevy of other farm system young model-actress types bursting at the teen seems to breakout into famous starlets. A fine mix of innocent with 'just discovered their naughty side' made for a fun evening. Enjoy.

Heidi Klum Leggy Beach Pictures Remind Me We Shall Be Together Soon

Heidi Klum and I are pretty much meant to be together at some point. I lust her for her super veteran hotness, sweet model body, her legs, natch, and her super earning power. And she has no idea who I am. So, it's not exactly an evenly matched relationship just yet, but I'm working on it.

The statuesque German supermodel hit the beach in Malibu, with her kids (all of whom I'm willing to adopt as my own, you know, provided we can send them off to French boarding schools ASAP), just looking pretty damn mom-in-charge kind of hot. I can only imagine she's in desperate need of a hand to hold at the moment, you know, hand, foot, other body parts, and I want to be there for her rebound moment. Be the backboard that she brutalizes with her every frustrated nook and cranny (especially the crannies).

I can take it. And, more importantly, I really really want to take it. Enjoy.