Carrie Underwood

Even Fat Christina Aguilera and Her BBW Funbags Could Not Save the 2012 American Music Awards from Suckitude

We try so hard to be positive here at Egotastic!. We really do, even if it means drinking cheap booze just to feel joy over some god-awful situation in the terrain that we cover. Heck, we’ll go there. But there’s really no saving the American Music Awards, which to be fair, have had decent moments in past years, but with the AMA creator Dick Clark no longer with us, well, it’s probably time to bury the award show as well.

Yeah, I’m the old man yelling at the kids to get off the lawn, but if the kids on my lawn are listening and watching and awarding this kind of craptastic musical fare, they deserve more than just a scolding. I was rooting for Christina Aguilera to get back into the closet, but like a baby’s head crowning into the new world, there’s no way they were going to get fat Christina back through that prop doorway. We tried to focus like a laser beam on her cleave, but forces of nature, most notably gravity, compelled us to gaze at her 1980′s NHL goon body and wonder how much raw material went into her costume and if it could have possibly been put to better use building refugee tent cities in war-torn distance lands.

That being said, we of course found some silver linings to the super-gray AMAs, in the form of Gwen Stefani, who marked her return to the album and concert circuit, Carrie Underwood, one of the biggest underrated hotties in the land, and Carly Rae Jepsen, who we think is cute, but admittedly mostly follow awaiting her alleged sex tape to leak.

All in all, the entire evening felt like a Village People reunion out at the airport Hilton cocktail lounge. And we missed sports for this!

Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and Heidi Klum Heat Up 2012 American Music Awards Red Carpet

Now, by this time you know how we feel about the Grammys and the American Music Awards and pretty much all other music award shows and their relationship to good music — zero correlation. Truly. Really. Honestly. And we say that hardly as music snobs, just grown adult males for whom popular music left us long ago, or we left it, either way, we can’t stand it any more than a grade schooler can brussel sprouts. It’s not natural.

And, yet, there’s no denying that the ranks of the pop music world are filled with some of our favorite ladies of the sextastic, some performers, some just omnipresent celebs, all of whom do manage to turn the 2012 American Music Awards into hot-watchable television tonight.

Included in our list of girls who gave us happy wood tonight on the red carpet are Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Heidi Klum, Stacy Keibler, Hayden Panettiere, Jenny McCarthy, and Kesha (what? yep, you heard us right, Kesha, she made herself over so much we got all worked up before we realized it was Kesha — let’s call this one misdirected boner). Enjoy.

Hayden Panettiere, Taylor Swift, and Carrie Underwood Drop Some Sexy Country Bombs at the CMA’s

As I openly admit any time we discuss Country music, I know between zero and nothing of the art-form, outside of my Johnny Cash CDs and my occasional drunken arguments at bars with juke boxes that Lynyrd Skynyrd is the best country band ever. But I do know this — there are some serious hotties and hot bodies among the ladies of Country music, and many of them made their sextastic appearance at the 46th Annual CMA awards last night, including Hayden Panettiere (who stars in Nashville now, dontcha know), Taylor Swift whose thighs we shall somewhat split asunder, Carrie Underwood who is a seriously hidden gem, and Kellie Pickler whose crew-cut only mildly distracted us from her big boobs.

These girls may be a little bit country, and I may be a little bit rock ‘n roll, but damn if I don’t want to make some sweet sweet harmony with each and every one of them (and by harmony. I’m guessing you’re thinking the same. Enjoy.

Carrie Underwood Leg Show in Short Shorts on Today

Sure, American women were glued to The Today Show to watch happy family safe Carrie Underwood performing on national TV, meanwhile, in the Egotastic! offices, we were staring catatonic at her long shiny legs wondering just how we might make them shinier.

There are boob men, and there are butt men, but let us never forget the leg men who live in the shadows of ogling fetishists. A shadow somewhere in my neighborhood. Enjoy.

Carrie Underwood Flaunts Her Long Legs in London

Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift Shine Like Sextastic Stars at American Country Music Awards

I’ll say this for country music, while I don’t quite relate to the melodramatic twangs of country living, I can relate to the large number of super hot women in and around the country music scene. Sextastic girls in tight jeans and boots is never a bad thing. And a few nights a year, those country girls get decked out, as they did last night for the American Country Music Awards in Vegas, where the likes of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, LeAnn Rimes, and even country-by-marriage, Nicole Kidman, shone like sweet hot stars in the night reminding us  that unless we got a platinum country album on our resume, we’re probably never getting in their pants. Or dresses.

But we do get to ogle. They can never take that away from us. Enjoy.

Cleavage Italiano

JWoww busts out of her shirt. (Celebuzz)

Jada Pinkett Smith in a swimsuit. (HuffPo)

I’d give Cheryl Cole a job. (FoxNews)

Carrie Underwood looks freaking amazing. (GossipCenter)

Emma Watson can’t get a dude. (PopEater)

Heather Graham still has a little Rollergirl in her. (DrunkenStepfather)

Worst negotiator ever. (CollegeHumor)