Ashley Greene

Happy Cleavetastic Birthday, Ashley Greene (Call Me, I’m Waiting In Your Special Spot)

Few women have moved me over the years as Ashley Greene has moved me. Moved me to tears. Moved me to smiles. And forced me to move my Ikea Billy to lay down plastic sheeting on the living room parquet panel flooring when I've had too many Ashley Greene induced smiles. Ashley Greene stirs the primal passion pot with her unassuming sextastic, not to mention some funbags that I'd kill any one of you for the opportunity of an eight second bucking boobtastic ride.

Well, today is Ashley's birthday. And, as is my annual tradition, I've got a room for Ashley and myself at the local Red Roof Inn, a garden view no less, and stocked it with enough chalupas, Korbel champagne, and WD-40 to ensure a night of birthday passions interrupted only by the occasional bouts of gastrointestinal distress. I hope the annual tradition of Ashley standing me up does not hold. Without hope, what do we have?

Take a look at 10 cleavetastic photos of Ashley that remind me why I've fire branded her name onto my jewel sack. And, yes, that was hella painful. Happy Birthday, Ashley.

Ashley Greene Sweaty Yoga Pants Workouts Continue to Drip on Our Dreams

My best guess, Ashley Greene is toning up big time for an upcoming movie role, maybe just award season, but something has this super hottie hitting the gym daily, and sweating up a storm in her yoga pants, and, yes, we are scoping the sweat stains, I mean, it's a natural by-product of our camel toe searches. What can we do?

Ashley Greene and I are bound to be together, locked in some type of XXX embrace, the Fates have spoken. I only hope when she arrives she's not toweled off yet. Enjoy.

Ashley Greene Moist With Anticipation of Our Weekend Meeting That May or May Not Happen

Just when I thought I was the most excited man in the world about the opportunity to stow away with Ashley Greene to my Red Roof Inn junior suite with nothing but a Party Pak of Chalupas and a reserve of testosterone from a monk-life existence, oh, Ashley Greene goes and one ups me with some sweat around the crotchal region that seems to indicate she received one of the 137 letters I've recently sent her inviting her for this magical weekend getaway.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Ashley is just all wet in the succubus sections because of a strenuous workout mixed with ever-blessed yoga pants and the chances of her giving herself over to me for Cow-Jumped-Over-the-Moon cosplay in my motel room, well, about as likely the Chiefs take the Super Bowl in the next decade. But, I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to Ashley Greene. So I shall sit and stare at her sweaty spots until I hear that knock on my second-floor-overlooking-the-parking-lot door. Enjoy.

Ashley Greene in Leather Flashing Legs; Be Still My Beating Body Part

Wow, talk about passion inducement. My long time fantasy of absconding Ashley Greene for a weekend retreat at my Red Roof Inn suite with nothing but a party pack of Chalupas and some chaffing cream has now taken a new twist. And that twist is called leather and legs. The kind Ashley Greene was flashing at a swank affair in Sin City, veritably reinforcing the 'sin' part of the city.

Now, I'm told this was some type of grand opening event. But, for the life of me, the only grand opening I can imagine at the moment is... well, let's keep this family friendly. Let's just say that I'm going to need a bigger ice cube. Ashley Greene, you are the effin' bomb. Enjoy

Ashley Greene Cleavy and Alluring for Cosmpolitan

The more things change, like the year, the more they stay the same. Like our unbridled lust for all things Ashley Greene.

Despite basically only appearing in movies we will never see, our passion for this brunette bombshell has never ever waned from the moment we laid eyes upon her. We've seen her in more sextastic poses, but these photos from her recent Cosmo magazine shoot are, despite the brushing, a good example of the skills Ashley brings to the hotness table. Deadly good looks, a sweet body we'd like to ravage in spectacularly irreverent ways, and those alluring eyes that keep whispering, 'come pour lightly melted cheese upon my nipples'. Well, that's how we interpret them anyway. Enjoy.

Christina Ricci and Ashley Greene Bare Midriff at Vogue Fashion Fund Awards

When ladies magazines host parties, the hotties will come.

As it was last night at the Vogue Fashion Fund Awards where Christina Ricci and Ashley Greene bared some tummy and the likes of Emma Stone, Miranda Kerr, and Dakota Fanning just showing up to look fashionably engaged, and you have five parts of what I like to call a menage-a-six, with yours truly thrusting fashion compliments around rapid fire in an attempt to get those dresses off.

Hey, fashion is for ladies, fashion on the floor is for the guys. Enjoy.

Twilight Is Here! He Said With a Smirk (Well, At Least The Hotties Came Out for the Premiere)

I'm told this is the end of the Twilight Saga, the pornucopia of cinematic fare that has stimulated the libidinal parts of the fairer gender, young and old, with its incredibly romantic vision of Goth vampires from the Pacific Northwest, like so many flannel-clad vegan protestors outside a Starbucks, thirsty for blood, or, pumpkin-spiced lattes.

While it's easy to mock the craptastic vamp trail that has been Twilight, there's no doubt that the film series has introduced us to a treasure trove of hotties, for whom we are thankful in this giving of thanks season, and many of whom were in attendance at the L.A. premiere of the Breaking Dawn 2 finale last night, including Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, and Kristen Stewart, who along with Ashley Tisdale and Teresa Palmer, stole the show on the big production red carpet. Looking at all these lovely ladies it wasn't hard to imagine a little serious sucking going on. Enjoy.