Not since The Cove have I felt such concern for our ocean-dwelling mammalian friends as I did when I saw this Heidi Montag bikini malfunction lead to one of her four-stone fun bags splashing down in the big drink like a space-worn satellite returning to mother Earth. Christ, Heidi, control your boobage!
Oh, here's Heidi Montag surfing after a quick bikini replacement and a re-taping of her latest nose job. Lookout, Flipper!
Photo credit: pacificcoastnewsonline.com
If you're like me, you woke up this morning fretting about the pending divorce of Heidi Montag and whatever that dude's name is. Is the divorce for real? Where will Heidi live? How will she provide for herself? Who will monitor the condition of her ginormous fun bags? You may recall that not only has Heidi Montag recently lost a husband, but, more importantly, she lost her plastic surgeon, and now she wanders the planet a lost soul, searching for the (saline) solution to her cosmic woes. Of course, at times, even the wandering soul has to strap on a tiny bikini, flash her G'uns, and sip champagne in a Costa Rican hot tub with her accessory dog. Shit happens, you've still got to chill. And show off your boobs. Heidi Montag, inspiring the world for almost a couple years now. Enjoy.
Photo credit: pacificcoastnewsonline.com
These Heidi Montag bikini pictures are fucking retarded. Wait, let me rephrase that. Heidi Montag is fucking retarded. As are her ginormous fake boobs. They're bigger than her head, but probably have the same number of brain cells. I bet if you pushed her from behind, she'd probably tip right over. But then again, I'm sure she's quite used to getting pushed from behind. In case you haven't figured it out, I fucking hate Heidi Montag.
Photo credit: pacificcoastnewsonline.com
I hate Heidi Montag. I really do. And I was resolved never to speak of her again. But it's kind of a slow news day, and she seems really intent on showing off her ridiculous plastic breasts. So whatever. Oh, and if she wasn't annoying enough already, these pictures were actually taken on the set of a movie called Just Go With It. Thankfully it's just a cameo. And hopefully she dies in the movie (and real life).
Photo credit: pacificcoastnewsonline.com
If you needed any more proof that Playboy magazine has gone to complete shit, I present, for your viewing displeasure, the much hyped, and totally crap Heidi Montag "nude" pictures. Of course, the first thing you'll notice is that Heidi Montag did not actually get naked. At least not in the way you'd expect from Playboy. I don't know why you'd even want to see her disgusting fake breasts naked, but she's keeping them covered, because she's a fucking annoying tease. Why Playboy didn't kick her dumb ass to the curb the minute she said she wouldn't pose nude is beyond me. I always thought Hugh Hefner had balls, but I guess that's why he's relying on the Viagra these days. And if Heidi's ugly mug doesn't scare you on it's own, just wait till you see what they did to her face with all their Photoshop retouching. I didn't think it was possible to make her look uglier (especially after all her plastic surgery), but these geniuses actually made it happen. Good job Playboy. You officially suck.
Raise your hand if you want to see Heidi Montag nude in Playboy magazine. I will assume no one raised their hands. The rumour going through the Tubes of the Interweb (most likely started by Heidi herself) is that the rediculously annoying and vapid Hills douchette, and her douche husband, The Pratt, are in talk with Playboy to have Heidi pose nude for $500,000. I didn't think Playboy even had $500,000 left, but if they do, why spend it on that fake hag. They have plenty of other fake hags they can put in their magazine who are hotter, cuter, and smarter (and much less annoying). And even though we've already seen Audrina Patridge nude, I'd much rather see her in Playboy than Heidi.
Photo credit: pacificcoastnewsonline.com
Egotastic
I Love the 80′s
Stephanie Seymour and other hot retro chicks. (Buzznet)
Cameron Diaz talks dirty. (HuffPo)
Hugh Hefner is already on the rebound. (FoxNews)
Heidi Montag shows her bionic bikini body. (GossipCenter)
Pictures of hot girls. So simple. So awesome. (TheChive)
Blonde solves the global warming problem. (CollegeHumor)
Kim Kardashian celebrates in a busty dress. (Celebuzz)