Videos

Xbox One Commercial Brings ‘the Best Games of the Year’ and a Little Badassery from Rocky Balboa (VIDEO)

Xbox One Best Games
That's how winnin' is done!

Now, in the battle of the successtastic, PS4 has the edge over Xbox One. In terms of, as Wyclef Jean would probably tell you, dollar dollar bills yo. (Read: sales.) You know that, we know that and grandma knows that. As, it seems, do Microsoft themselves.

And here’s the House of Xbox themselves, with a big ol’ middle finger to the whole situation. The theme of today’s commercial is 'nope, we’re not effed yet.'

Who embodies that spirit better than Rocky? Nobody, that’s who. Here he is, passing on those inspirational words to his son (It ain’t about how hard you hit...) against a backdrop of Xbox One’s best upcoming releases. Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Sunset Overdrive, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and Assassin’s Creed Unity are featured in the brief clip.

This was a great concept, right here. We won’t even be pernickety and bitch that half of those aren’t strictly Xbox One games at all.

Sony’s Japanese Vita Commercials: Now With Penis (VIDEO)

Vita Joke
Yep, those dick-shaped thunderstorms are a bitch.

How would you summarize Sony’s treatment of the Vita in a word? Bollocks, perhaps? Turns out, that’s quite apt. And Sony agrees, judging by this new commercial.

The intrepid little console is quite the portable powerhouse, with 1,000 gigaflops of whatsit and more doohickeys than a Swiss army knife. It just sucks that much of this potential is wasted by the lack of any crap-your-pants AAA exclusives for the system.

It has been languishing in Internet piss-takery for some time, poor little dude. Worry not, though, because Sony are here with their spangly new summer Vita-plugging initiative. Which is kicking off, as all good plans do, with a penis joke.

Take a look at this Japanese commercial-making masterclass. Then, let Kotaku explain just what the balls (heh, balls) is going on:

In the spot, schoolkids are getting changed for their summer swimming lessons, and after one kid drops his towel, another kid's jaw drops and he says, loosely, "He's an adult!" (or "otona da"). That's followed by the announcer saying, "For you who aren't grade schoolers anymore."

Of course. It all makes perfect sense.

Yes, the New TMNT Movie Has a Rap Song, and Yes, It Is Hilariously Terrible

Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign rap about turtles
Apparently Vanilla Ice was not available...

It remains to be seen whether the Michael Bay-produced, Jonathan Liebesman-directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot is any good. Personally I have my doubts, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

One thing we know for sure right now, though, is that the new flick will carry on the tradition of having a really terrible original rap song on the soundtrack.

Now obviously, it's not easy to follow in the footsteps of a rap legend like Vanilla Ice, who changed popular music forever when he recorded "Ninja Rap 2" for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II back in 1991. However, Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign were brave enough to take a stab at it. And while the chorus "Knock, Knock, You About to Get Shell-Shocked" doesn't roll of the tongue as smoothly as "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go," it's still pretty fantastic.

Don't take my word for it, though. Have a listen to the new song above. Then, after you've let the knew one sink in a bit, compare it to Ice's 1991 classic below.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot hits theaters August 8, 2014.

J.J. Abrams Casually Reveals X-Wing Fighter in Video Seeking Charitable Donations for UNICEF

The man is playing us like a fiddle

I don't know exactly when Star Wars 7 director J.J. Abrams decided to use set reveals to raise money for charity, but if I had to guess I'd say it was some time after people went totally apeshit for those "leaked" pics of the Millennium Falcon back in June. Abrams probably saw the way people reacted and asked, "How can I take this weird boner grown men have for this movie franchise and use it to do something good?"

The solution he came up with is pretty brilliant. Make a video asking people to donate money to "Force for Change," a charitable effort trying to raise money for UNICEF's Innovation Labs. In that video slowly pan out to reveal an entire X-Wing Fighter. The video will spread like wildfire, because the internet is run by geeks and geeks love this stuff. Then, when people watch the video and hear how donating could win them a role as an extra in the film, or possibly an advanced screening for 20 of their closest friends, "Force for Change" will raise lots of money.

Well done, J.J. Abrams. Well done.

The ‘Doom 4′ Reveal Was a Chainsawin,’ Explosionin’ Good Time; So We Hear (VIDEO)

Doom 4 Quakecon Reveal
The most doomtastic Doom you ever saw. Apparently.

You know how the gamertastic can be. Particularly those of us who are long-term fans of a certain franchise. We clutch our beloved Final Fantasy/Resident Evil/Zelda/other to our man-boobs like our firstborn children. Should developers eff around with them, the fire and brimstone and impotent spittle-flying Internet rage is unleashed.

By, y’know, the crazies among us. Not everybody. Anywho, let’s see what happened when hardcore Doomaholics were shown footage of Doom 4 at QuakeCon last week.

Kotaku and the unofficial QuakeCon forums bring us this footage, seven of the most enthusiastic freaking minutes you can fathom. The reveal of the new installment itself is strictly top-secret, and couldn’t be recorded. (On pain of ‘a renegade band of Cacodemons coming to your home at 4am to shit on the doorstep and eat your face,’ id Software’s lawyers said. Except they didn’t.) So this is just lucky attendees’ reactions.

Still, it’s safe to say that fans will not be disappointed. For once. After collating all of their testimonials, it looks like the general opinion was: 1) back to its roots, 2) amazing combat, 3) holy crap and 4) I need new pants.

All of which are good signs. We're on board.

Diane Kruger Bare-Arse Wonderment and Deborah Ann Woll Making the Passionate Sexy Highlight the Boob Tube Roundup (VIDEO)

 

We are living in glorious times. While we do have to pay for 500 channels we don't watch, there are a solid dozen now putting out mature fare for the mature viewers who like mature things. As a for instance, hot women without their clothes on. Everybody seems to be jumping on that bandwagon that started at the dawn of mankind. Or at least since we got our bobos dangling.

This week's Boob Tube Roundup include Diane Kruger bare bottomed in FX's second season of The Bridge, Deborah Ann Woll somehow having frenzied passion in True Blood but not quite flashing her udders, Lucy Walters tight nice booty in Power, Alexandra Gordon floating bare boobtastic in Hemlock Grove from Netflix, and Jaime Murray and her slender hot body make-up alien like for Defiance on SyFy. Let's just file these ladies under the rather extensive list of sextastic celebrities I wouldn't throw out of bed for really any reason. Such wonderful boob tube times. Enjoy.

Pucking Hell, ‘NHL 15’ is Looking as Realistically Violent as the Real Thing (VIDEO)

NHL 15
Now with 76% more awkward man-hugs.

Oh yes indeed. Pucking hell. That’s almost more wit than you can handle on a Monday morning, but there’s no need for applause. It’s all in a day’s work. Now, to business.

In this newfangled world of ‘PS4s’ and ‘Xbox Ones’ (whatever the hell they are), we demand a little more of our sports games. We pound our meaty fists on our coffee tables and demand it. For a next-gen sporting experience, you need authenticity. Players moving like their real-life counterparts, jostling for position and colliding in a manly heap of bones, sinew and blood. And those hideous moments where Lady Luck just knees you in the gonads because she can.

A hockey game that plays out like... a game of hockey, in short. Which is just what the upcoming NHL 15 pledges to deliver.

Take a look at the above display of the title’s true hockey physics. EA Sports are apparently bringing Collision Physics and True Puck Physics, with capital letters and everything so we know these bastards mean business.