Videos

Watch Liam Neeson Kick Numerous Asses in the First ‘Taken 3′ Trailer

When will people learn not to f%#& with this man?

In case you haven't heard, they've made a Taken 3 (a real one) and it once again stars Liam Neeson, who's now old enough to start appearing in Expendables movies. However, unlike the previous two instalments of this unlikely franchise, nobody gets kidnapped and turned into a sex slave or tortured for revenge.

This time around the bad guys flat out kill the ex-wife of CIA agent Bryan Mills and frame him for the murder. However, when the popo get there, Mills disposes of them humanely, jumps out of a freakin' window, and then solves the crime and exacts revenge all by himself. So it's basically Bourne Identity meets The Fugitive. Only instead of Tommy Lee Jones it's Forrest Whittaker trying to hunt down the innocent guy.

Sounds neat, huh?

Taken 3, or Tak3n as it's being stylized, but which I refuse to write, hits theaters January 9, 2015.

Yep, ‘Alien: Isolation’ Will Creep You Out. And Kill You (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation 2
That freaky tongue-mouth says it all.

Horror films and horror games aren’t all that, y’know, scary. We don’t say this because we’re manly man-beasts with gonads of steeliest steel, who fear nothing and no-one (we are, naturally, but that’s moot). More because we’re big ol’ cynical bastards.

We’ve seen it all before. The half-assed jump scares, the dumbasses cruising through dimly-lit hallways just begging to get their scalps chewed on... enough already.

We need a real balls-out atmosphere, a tangible threat. Something to really be assed about. And that’s a Xenomorph’s forte, right there. If you saw them comin’ outta the goddamn walls, you’ll know that those guys don’t eff around. If anything will creep you the hell out on a lonely spacecraft, these angry buggers will.

And that’s just what Alien: Isolation is trying to exploit to the hilt. It’s the Nemesis effect: being essentially powerless against something that could burst through the freaking wall/air vent/wherever else at any time, who wants that? That’s a recipe for fouled undercrackers, right there.

How will you survive? No idea, but screaming for Grandma probably won’t do it.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Changes Multiplayer Forever… Apparently (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare 2
Titanfall? Is that you?

This, right here, is an excitable trailer. We’ve got PR-tastic hyperbole like ‘transcends the line between game and film’ and ‘profound reinvention of Call of Duty multiplayer’ in our faces, and you can’t argue with that. That means put your pants back on and pay attention.

In the gaming world, there are few big effing deals bigger or effing-er than Call of Duty. As such, it’s fair to expect fans to be protective. To care. To bitch at the Internet ‘til they can bitch no more if there’s any upheaval afoot.

That’s the thing with games. Change too much, and there’s boycotts and petty whining and/or death threats-amundo. Change too little, and the same applies, just from somebody else.

The lesson? As Grandma Egotastic always said, you can’t please everyone. “Especially not gamers,” she added, “because a lot of them are assholes.” So what the hell are we to make of this? How can Advanced Warfare be both a ‘profound reinvention’ and ‘the Call of Duty fans have been asking for?’

We don’t know. Perhaps this trailer does.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When ‘Street Fighter’ Mocks Facebook Status Douchery (VIDEO)

Whacked- Facebook Fighter
Hashtags on Facebook? You monster!

You know that friend you have, the one that you secretly think is a bit of an asshole? Or rather, a huge one, with big ol’ bells dangling from him/her? Well, we’ve got one too. Everybody does.

You probably see them on Facebook, prattling about their lives. But it’s not a regular life. Not work, sleep and eating baked bins straight from the tin with the drapes shut like a lonely gaucho. That’s for everybody else, the feeble mortals orbiting around them. These effers are special.

When their baby takes a dump, you’re hearing about it. You’re liking the photo of said urchin’s turd and giving it a gushing comment, or you’re effing well explaining why you haven’t. You know the sort. These are the people who make us believe Zuckerberg should be arrested for incitement to mass dickishness.

So how about a little Friday morning piss-takery? The above clip, directed by Dennis Liu, combines Facebook ballaches with Street Fighter (because sometimes the great ideas are just right in front of you). It’s more than a little cheese-tacular, but you’ve got to give it props for accuracy.

Via Kotaku.

‘WWE 2K15’ Gameplay Trailer Brings More Manly Bravado Than You Can Handle (VIDEO)

WWE 2K15
Shouldn't you be on the toilet right now, Hulk?

Wrestling, as we know, is a manly business. It’s delightfully brutal, tendon-twisty, neck-snappy and joint-cracky. It’s the roughest, badassiest, not-actually-happening sport there is. Even the women have arms like effing Popeye.

As such, there’s a whole lot of bravado on display. Can you smell what The Rock is cookin’? He’s cooking pure motherfudgin’ awesome and dude-ish dudery, that’s what he’s cooking. And so are the rest of these guys. They’re all about the drama.

As is this first gameplay trailer from WWE 2K15. Who the hell wants actual ‘gameplay’ in their gameplay trailers? Nuts to that. Instead, here’s a procession of beefy dudes gurning angrily at the camera/otherwise dicking about. There’s Bray Wyatt with that creepy-ass The Exorcist spider walk of his. There’s Triple H doing something that’s sure as hell going to smart in the morning to that other guy. And there’s the one with the shit beard, gesticulating like a Fascist dictator.

It’s exciting stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree. We had to lie down awhile after watching. WWE 2K15 hits PS3 and Xbox 360 on October 28, and Xbox One and PS4 November 18.

LOLZ, That’s Just Cruel: Wasabi Wake-Up Prank (VIDEO)

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Keep your friends, and your enemies closer. That's the only way you'll be able to prank them (aka get revenge on them) without coming off as a douche in the end. Here's one that you can play on the very worst of your enemies--er, friends: the wasabi wake-up prank. It's pretty self-explanatory. You basically smear a spoonful of wasabi onto your victim's lips while he's sleeping.

And then you wait...before all hell breaks loose. Lolz!

‘Sunset Overdrive’ Isn’t for Fat Guys

You may be familiar with Sunset Overdrive. It’s a demented Jet Grind Radio-esque toontastic shitstorm of a shooter, with quite possibly the greatest plot in recent video games. Our protagonist is a worker at an energy drink factory, who are holding a spangly cocktail party to celebrate the release of their latest product. Amid all the debauchery, people begin to mutate into ghastly-ass beasts from the power of the drink.

You know what energy drinks can be like. Anywho, this sort of thing tends to put a bit of a downer on these PRtastic events. It also leaves the player character to clear up the mess. With guns and violence, naturally.

One much-ballyhooed selling point of Sunset Overdrive has been its customization aspects, allowing you to craft your guy/gal however you wish. It’s pretty damn extensive, too (“I made a very nice bearded lady with tiny mouths for eyes,” quoth Kotaku). Unless you’re a fat bastard, that is. The ample gentlemen among us are out of luck.

Yep, you can wear any ridiculous costume you wish, or have tiny wangs running down your arms or whatever. But what you can’t do is adjust your body shape. There’s no Sims-y weight slider here. And why? In the words of the game’s director,
"A lot of Bethesda games have weight sliders too. We wanted something more tailored. We wanted a little more control over the style and types of characters players can create while still providing an incredible number of options. We wanted to put our time into wild outfits instead of technology to bloat up people or bloat them down."

So there it is.