I will admit, I haven’t stepped in a brick and mortar store that doesn’t purvey lingerie in over seven years. I’m entirely an online shopper. If I can’t buy it through a site where my credit card and identity can be compromised in nanoseconds, I’m not interested. That being said, I think I could be lured back to the mall proper if more lovely young ladies were sporting the shopping wardrobes of Sophia Bush braless and cleavetastic for the season. Wow, what a stunner. Were I ringing her up at the register, I’d fumble for at least thirty minutes and then inevitably ask her for three forms of ID, one of which must be a body part.
Bless you and your sweet barely covered funbags, Sophia. You put the joy in the Season of Joy, the giving in the Season of Giving, and the lump of coal in my shorts. I think that’s coal. Black Friday kills. Peace out. Enjoy.
Maybe in 2015 I’ll finally come to understand WTF this bottled water company is doing shooting hot models daily in bikinis, lingerie, or less, and not actually selling any water. It sounds like a sinister enough plan to meet sextastic ladies that I should have thought of it first. Oh, yeah, Bill’s Nekkid Water, come on, ladies, get into your Nekkid costumes and let’s promote the shizz out of the bottles I fill in my sink. It just might work, though my evil schemes do tend to fail at a rather astonishing rate.
The opposite of fail is the delicioous Kat Torres preening in her little black lace lingerie for the cameras. Water, vitamins, rabid pit bulls, I’d buy anything Kat Torres in silk and lace was selling. I have a hard time saying no to fully dressed women. This, well, just tell me what my order is and I’ll hand over my Discover card for a swiping. We are but lambs before the hottie slaughter. Enjoy.
Fresh off the heels of complaining about lack of privacy in her bikini twerking yacht trip, Katy Cocktease did a little holler back of her own by wearing a see-through skirt to the Aria Awards in Australia. I have no idea what the Aria Awards are for, but if the category is Hottest Pop Star in See-Through Skirt Whose Funbags We Are Dying to See, well, I hope Katy had her acceptance speech ready.
As usual, Katy was adorned in proper undergarments keeping us from seeing anything beyond the tease level. Still, not many tease quite as expertly or perhaps more frustratingly as Katy. How we’ve managed to maintain interest in yelling at her to show us her fine melons for five years straight is probably a testament to her enduring underlying allure. Most guys give up on girls after, oh, about five minutes of trying. Katy has that special something something that keeps you coming back to bang your head against the wall over and over again. That’s pure raw sextastic power, my friends. Enjoy.
Christina Milian is one underrated hero of mine. I like to think I’m one underrated hero of hers as well, though I doubt she’s leafing through photos today of me without my underpants on looking all kinds of distant and serious. Though it’s possible she is. I have sent her so many.
In this ‘We Are Pop Culture’ photoshoot, Christina Milian shows her true talents as a hot Latina who so often gets overlooked in ‘best of’ lists, but who every time we see her manages to layer in another sextastic set of poses, pokes, and pants-less bits of visual delight. She might be a handul. She might be two handfuls. All the better. Christina, you complete me. Or, you could totally complete me if only you allowed me five minutes of your time and a promise not to giggle. Enjoy.
There are many reasons to be unreasonably fond of our friends at SoHo magazine down Colombiana way. First, crazy hot Latina model photoshoots. That alone would be enough to call them amigos. But then you add in the fact they come up with the prurient pictorial concepts of a randy teenage boy, and, well, they’re pushing into best friend territory.
The good men and women at SoHo thought, why not put together our very los mas sextasticos photos of hot Colombian models they’ve shot wearing see-through mesh. To which I thought, holy moley I can’t believe there are other people on this same planet who think the same as me. You’ve really got to see this. It’s memorable and will put you in the spirit of giving. Just make sure to lay down the plastic sheets before you give. Enjoy.
I really just see my own words coming to fruition here by the minute. Is the competition heating up already in Miami for best bikini body? Oh, yes, it’s already en fuego. Michelle Lewin is staking out her territory of the worked out, yoked out, curvaceous asstastic model types. The competition is rough, but Michelle looks more than ready for anything that might come her way, including the glances of gentlemen oglers peeking her readily abundant taut female form.
What’s clear to me is that this is going to be the best winter yet in Miami. It’s all been leading up to this. Like the perfect storm of the bikini sextastic. Also, I realize I’m going to need new binoculars and an enhanced brush and local flora disguise to blend in to the background as these luscious legs, ample thumpers, and precious pert ta-ta’s walk endlessly by. So much to do, so little time. The work doesn’t scare me, just the humiliating public boners. Nature made me this way! Enjoy.
I suppose during this season of thanks my mind turns toward the sextastic women I’m most thankful for. Kate Middleton. Not just because she may or may not be my baby mama. Though that plays a part. But for being the best damn looking regal beagle in the past five hundred years in the nation of England. That’s not just a thing, that’s a big thing, for everybody involved.
Though pregnant again with somebody’s child I can’t legally mention, Kate is still slender and getting around the country looking fine and proper and cutting ribbons and patting kids on the head and stuff. She does it like no other. Or, at least, the boys are probably happy to receive her pats versus the stale coffee smelling frightening creatures that used to come before. Kate Middleton has no equals in her circle. She’s a groundbreaker, an actual hottie reproducing in Windsor House midsts. It’s a big deal. I hope our next one is a little daughter. Oops. I’ve said to much. Enjoy.