The IRS recently threw away spent $60,000 of American taxpayers' hard-earned money to produce this crappy Star Trek parody training video. I don't know which is worse: the fact that this crap-a-thon cost sixty grand to produce, or the fact that it did Star Trek a major injustice.

Obviously, a lot of people were pissed about the video. The IRS eventually apologized, but there's no taking back the absurdity of what they did.

This comment by Hotobu on YouTube says a lot (that, and it's hilarious): "I could've written a better script by putting a crayon in my crotch and flexing my nuts. This sh't is awful. I love the irony of how a bunches of nerds are completely inept when it comes to doing nerd things."

That's your government at work, people.

According to the good folks at TMZ, former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Garner, 42, got a little off sides with some woman's kid at a party when she pulled him into a bathroom and tried to perform oral sex on him. Garner, who is married and cheered for the Titans until 2009, is being charged with aggravated sexual assault and the solicitation of a minor for rape after apparently 'following the 12-year-old to the bathroom during a party...grabbing his penis over his shorts...and attempting to remove them in order to perform oral sex on him.'

The kid freaked out and ran off and told mommy. He must be a Giants fan or something because otherwise he just passed up on one helluva offer. Garner's defense? That she was drunk and mistook the boy for a man at the party (that she wanted to go down on in a bathroom). Granted the party was in honor of the Lollipop Guild, but yeesh, maybe it's time to get Lasik surgery, Elizabeth.

THERE'S A GOOD REASON WHY CHEERLEADERS MAKE THE BEST CHILD PREDATORS

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Well, well, well, what have we here? High school dancing instructor? Married? Illicit affair with student? Why, that must be the luckiest boy in all of the Humble School District outside of Houston. What's that you say? No boy was involved? But if no male student was involved that could only mean...My God. A swingin' sapphic sex scandal with soundtrack provided by the Scissor Sisters! These things only come along about as often as Haley's Comet.

But that is exactly what we have on our hands here thanks to Amanda Feenstra, 30, the Texas dance instructor who apparently also doubled as her school's muff diving coach after starting a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student who only came to the authorities about the affair, which involved sex at school in Feenstra's office, as well as at her home while Feenstra's husband was away getting the rug pulled out from under him, only when the teacher began stalking the student after the young girl wanted to end the affair. But as someone who owns Women in Cages on laserdisc, something tells me that although this dastardly dancing award winner is currently out on $30,000 bond, she's really going to enjoy her time in prison.

Israel's major exports are cut diamonds, citrus fruits, and absurdly hot women. Seriously, Israeli women were the one reason I studied hard in Hebrew School and spent years applying to take a birth right trip to the country (and when I went I still only hooked up with some chubby girl in my group named Rachel Tanenbaum from Syosset, Long Island). In any event, to capitalize on the fact that the country produces more models than a mannequin manufacturer, Playboy is launching it's first Hebrew edition, featuring Israeli models (and writers, hahahaha).

I'm not sure if they're hoping that Israeli guys haven't figured out about all the free porn on the internet, or if maybe they're thinking that using the computer on Sabbath is a no-no, so men will be forced to buy a magazine instead, but it still seems like an odd decision, especially in a country  'where religious sensitivities simmer under the surface and observant Jews and Muslims live by strict modesty rules.' I guess when your models have all also served in the military and can kick your ass, you don't ask questions, you just shut up and take the picture.

Who are the Stunt People? I don't know. They're a bunch of guys who make stunt-laden videos. And while that normally wouldn't do it for me, their last video is perhaps one of the greatest fan-made Star Wars videos I've seen in recent memory. Homemade lightsaber videos are a dime a dozen on Youtube and most of the time it's a bunch of A/V kids with way too much time on their and way awful computer animation skills. Not to mention they handle the lightsaber like they were fapping off for the first time and were doing it southpaw when they're clearly a rightie.

Which is why this first-person Darth Vader lightsaber duel is pretty damn amazing. And not only that, but as you watch, you'll see the Jedi he's facing do something so friggin' obvious to defend himself from Vader, it's amazing that it never happened in the actual films.

SCI-FI COSPLAY IS THE BEST KINDA PLAY THERE IS

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Back in November, Judy H. Viger, aka the World's Greatest Mom, threw a sixteenth birthday party for her son at a bowling alley in New York state. And I guess reasoning that not only girls should have a sweet sixteen, she made the day oh so sweet for the young child by also hiring some strippers to get down to thongs and bras and give lap dances to some--I'm sure--very appreciative teens. And dance they did. As you can see from the photo above, these ladies treated those kids' bodies like they were their favorite Korean body pillow on a cold night. Clearly her son made quite the wish before he blew out the candles on his cake earlier in the day.

But now Johnny Law is saying that Ms. Viger behaved criminally by having the strippers dance for the children (some present as young as fourteen) and are charging her with a misdemeanor for endangering the welfare of a child, an offense that carries a prison sentence. I guess it's a crime now to make your son the most popular kid at school? Where's the Million Mom March when you need it? What's the point of getting hundreds of thousands of menopausal pissed off women together if they're not going to protest something meaningful, like this travesty? Ms. Vigers, this Mother's Day, expect a very nice gift from me. And my birthday is July 18th, if you're not behind bars and still in party planning mode.

OLIVIA WILDE WOULD STILL BE OUR STRIPPER OF CHOICE FOR ANY EVENT

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So apparently giving gifts that give back is a real thing that people can do now and it’s supposed to make the giver feel good. You give a loved one a gift of a donation to a worthy cause and you do it in that loved one’s name. It’s like you’re putting a down payment on their ticket to get into heaven.

This type of gift-giving is NOT what we have in mind this Valentine’s Day as we come up with our list of gifts that really give back. And we mean that in the most direct way possible. As in, we get something cool and awesome out of giving you this gift. At Egotastic! we often do things the wrong way and sometimes on purpose, sometimes for fun but it’s always without fear. It’s not easy working through this cocktail of abandonment, resentment and lactose issues we’ve got.  Angrily choosing our V-Day sweethearts and offering gifts that come from the wrong place in our hearts is right up our alley; a cold, dark and unforgiving place as you’d ever want to be on Valentine’s Day.

PHV 1330 Peephole Viewer from Brinno

This is the kind of gift that makes no sense if you only think of it as “an electronic peephole.” Instead the Peephole Viewer is the kind of gift perfect for keeping tabs on Lindsay Lohan or whatever trainwreck of a former child star you might have stalking you these days. It begins with the PHV 1330’s three inch view screen that’s installed on indoor side of your front door with the high powered camera pointing out into the cruel world on the other side. This means you don’t have to walk up to the door risking your eyeball to squint through some half inch fishbowl lens. Instead, apartment dwellers can glance at the door while rich folks can see who’s there from a safe distance and without giving away the fact that they’re home. Oh you didn’t know that psycho ex-girlfriend’s and Lohans will walk up, cover the peephole with a finger and look at light and shadows under the door to see if you’re really there? That’s the oldest trick in the book, son.

If you pick up the deluxe PHV 1330 set that comes with the Knocking Sensor and the Motion Sensor you’ll have a LiLo proof front door intelligence system that would make Jason Bourne smirk. With those attachments, the PHV 1330 effectively becomes an automated still camera system that will take pictures of anybody that approaches (Motion Sensor) and/or knocks (Knocking Sensor). When you get home later, you’ll have a whole gallery of all the crazy people that approached your door. Yeah these days too many of us express ourselves to the world through social media and mobile devices but the good stuff, the real fun, still happens when your local drug dealer/cable repair person/Lindsay Lohan walks through your door. We’re not trying to keep any of those people out, but we need to know where they are as soon as possible. I didn’t know the front door peephole  needed to be re-invented and “manned up” but that’s what just happened.

Growth Factor 9 by Novex Biotech

We’ve got to be honest here, we don’t know a lot about performance enhancing drugs beyond what we learned from Lance Armstrong, but who can trust that guy, really. All we know is that to keep up with Jennifer Nicole Lee we’re going to need some kind of chemical enhancement and we don’t want to have to run to Mexico all the time whenever it’s time to dive into her newly MILFtastic self. And lo and behold, it says right on the packaging for Growth Factor 9 that you won’t have to get prescriptions from Mexico anymore with this safe, effective and legal supplement. As for what’s in it, I really couldn’t tell you. Spelling and science were my weakest subjects in school and there are way too many Latin and Greek words on the ingredients list for me. What it does is more important. You get a 600% increase in blood serum levels which sounds great because 6x anything will be noticeable whether you’re talking pizza slices, lottery tickets or chemical enhancement. Human growth hormone itself is the stuff your body used to take you from a boy to a man once upon a time and, now, adding a little synthetic boy-to-man juice (dude, really?) to your system as an adult will give you energy, muscle mass and all sorts of other things you don’t have as you get older. Again, we’re not saying we know what’s in Growth Factor 9 or what you’re going to get out of it. We just want to draw some conclusions from different, albeit related areas, and let you all triangulate what’s going on here. We’ve learned to not ask too many questions in our dogged lusty pursuit of Jennifer Nicole Lee. GF-9 is taken in pill form which means no more injections which potentially means no more pulling your pants down and bending over in front of JNL and politely asking her to stick you (dude, enough).

Lumia 920 with Windows Phone 8 by Nokia

Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. If any starlet typifies the relationship between a young woman and her mobile device it’s Miley Cyrus with the number of ways in which she self paparazzi'd her way to social media relevance with an endless stream of outlandish pics. Hey look there's a pic of Miley in her bathroom, by a roaring fire, in a tiny top with a new tatoo and free sideboob and in a I-don't-know-what-the-hell-that-is but she's not wearing a bra. So many of these shots are from an arm's length away or by way of an eager friend happy to snap pics of their favorite pop country singer. The Nokia Lumia 920 is --on it's surface-- a fully featured smartphone with tremendous speed when you're on AT&T's LTE network, but when you're a Miley Cyrus acolyte or Miley herself it's probably the best phone-mounted camera out there. The image stabilization is without equal and you still get that earliest of Windows Phone OS features going from pocket to shooting a photo in less than three seconds and with one push of a button. Just what a young starlet with nothing better to do in her daytime hours really needs because all that goofing off won't capture itself. Throw in "burst" photo apps that automatically shoot a sequence of photos for those wobbly moments when you can't focus or aim straight and you're on the highway to social media infamy for sure. The sharing to Facebook and Twitter and services that use those platforms is seamless. So in a very direct way, giving this gift to Miley Cyrus will only encourage more cleave-tastic twitpics, sassy moments with friends and late night gang signs from exclusive night clubs to appear on everybody's social media feeds which only encourages more skin-revealing public behavior. But it's better to think of it as striking a blow against boredom, the sworn enemy of any young woman with lots of time and money on her hands. You're welcome.

If you were wondering what to do incase you've accidentally swallowed poison, you shouldn't call the poison center programmed into your phone, you should go to TMZ and read all about how Ke$ha admits to drinking her own urine. That would make even the most lead-lined of stomachs regurgitate. Apparently, Ke$ha's brother is a journalist who's been following the singer around for a couple years to make a documentary about her called, Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life (she's at least right about the 'crazy' part).

One of the things he happened to catch on tape was that time she pushed aside a nice glass of Chardonnay and opted instead for some delicious pee. As Ke$ha explained, 'I was told drinking my own pee was good ... Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, 'That is mine!' So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don't do it anymore.' Now I wonder if it was gross because it was...you know...urine, or if it was gross only because it was Ke$ha's. Hmmm....

THERE WAS NO URINE, JUST SKIN ON THE SET OF KESHA'S NEW VIDEO

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Remember that time we correctly prophesized that Buckwild was the beginning of the end of western civilization? Like a modern-day Nostradamus we talked how to get those fleeting 15-minutes of fame, these reality 'stars' would stop at nothing to ensure their bad behavior was talked about in first period homerooms everywhere. Well, as TMZ is reporting, yesterday morning, Buckwild 'actress' Salwa Amin was arrested for drug possession. I guess the 'hillbilly heroin' of oxycodone wasn't enough for the West Virginia resident, so she stepped it up a notch and made sure to be caught with heroin on her as well.

I imagine MTV execs are giddy as hell right now, plotting a whole series of specials covering the booking, arraignment and trial. The show, featured around the crazy behavior and antics of a group of young adults in West Virginia, was already picked up for a second season, ensuring that there will be a entire whole additional year for some of the other 'characters' on the show to up the ante and do something like, I don't know, become a prostitute or hit&run a hobo.

Chairs are boring. Nekkid women are not. Chairs with nekkid women sound okay. But chairs with nekkid women with paint all over? Hells yeah, that's a hundred times more amazing.

Amazing because you can tell anyone who catches you looking at the images that you're just appreciating art. Amazing because you can tell them you're checking out the chairs, and the chicks happen to be sitting on them. Amazing because you can tell the whole world that you have this thing for body painting--and they'll all think you have a keen eye for art. But we all know the truth: you're in it for the concealed T&A, but don't worry. We'll keep your secret.

Memes. A lot of them are funny, some are downright annoying, but one thing they all have in common is the fact that they all went viral. I think it's safe to say that there isn't a meme out there that you would actually want to screw--until now, that is, because who else should enter the picture but WoodRocket?

You might remember them as the guys who released SpongeBob SquareNuts, which was a horrible porn parody that sucked in every sense of the word. But hey, if they managed to turn that annoying yellow sponge into a porn-worthy subject, then I guess you can trust them to do the same with even the most innocent of memes in their new web series called 'Memes I'd Like to F*ck.'

First up is 'Surprised Kitty.' The original meme is a GIF of a kitten being tickled, but the XXX version of that meme features Veruca James getting tickled with her funbags bouncing jovially as she writhes with glee. The one in player above is the NSFW version, in case you're watching videos where you shouldn't be watching them (read: the office.)

Check out the NSFW version here. It's loads of bouncy fun, I promise you!

I used to not want to go to Mexico City because of the kidnappings. But now there's a whole new reason to not want to go to South of the Border. Authorities are reporting that looks like a nine-year-old girl in Mexico City has given birth to a baby. Authorities are reporting that a 9-year-old girl gave birth last week to a baby in the city of Guadalajara. They are on the lookout for the purported father, a 17-year-old who has not been seen around town since the birth occurred. Probably because he's hunkered down somewhere studying for his SATs.

News like this must make execs at MTV salivate down their cheeks like one of Pavlov's dogs when the dinner bell went off. If the network likes one thing, it's ratings. If the network likes two things, it's ratings and ratings by showing the most depraved nature of mankind. If Buckwild, Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, Jersey Shore and The Hills weren't enough evidence that the network that once revolutionized the music and entertainment industry has basically just given up in order to appeal to the basest elements of America's youth in its desire to be seen by any means necessary, even if it's a celebration of how ignorant you are, then they can finally place that nail in their coffin with their newest show Pre-Teen Mom. 

RELIVE THE SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH OF MTV, SHOW BY AWFUL SHOW

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Can't you see them flying this girl and her family to live in some Real World-style house in the Valley, where they coax interviews out of the girl and her parents where they come off as really dumb immigrants? Wouldn't that be hilarious? Can she juggle parenting with elementary school? And think of the great hour-long My Super Sweet Quinceañera they could get out of it? I'm being facetious, of course. But isn't it kind of strange that while I may be kidding around, you can also definitely imagine this actually happening?

Though knowing MTV they'd probably recast a white girl with vocal fry as the Mexican girl and the baby daddy with the guy who plays Edward from Twilight down on Hollywood Blvd.

I've woke up in some pretty strange places back in my partying days. The backseat of a DeLorean. The alley behind my apartment. Wisconsin. So I'm no stranger to mornings when I finally come to and have no memory of what happened the night before. I'm much like Dr. Jekyll when I got out on the town. If Dr. Jekyll drank a lot of blue curacao, performed karaoke and texted his ex-girlfriend without remembering doing so. And usually this means waking up next to whatever bridge troll whose riddles you answered or your 65-year-old land lady who finally found a way for you to work off those three months of rent you owed.

But every so often, every now and then, you wake up after a heavy binge session and find yourself next to someone rather stunning and perfect. And you curse yourself for bagging a 10-pound buck and not even having the memory of doing so. But sometimes remembering what happened is probably not the best thing anyway. Because maybe you did something stupid. Like that time I woke up next to Ashley Olsen and she told me that I kept accidentally calling her Dave Coulier.

Which is why I'd only like to that to happen with certain celebrities now, because that was really embarrassing for the both of us. So even if I don't remember all the juicy details, here are the celebs I'd most like to wake up to without any real memory of how I got there and why.

Ah, awards season. The Golden Globes, that irreverent SAGs, and still weeks away from the Academy Awards. Luckily, to hold everyone over before that night of glitz and glamour, the After School Special Awards continues its assault on female teachers with a proclivity for carnal flesh culled from their matriculated male student body. And today we have quite a delicious one for you, from all the way down in Louisiana, comes Heather Cooksey, or as I'm sure all the boys called her growing up, 'Looky, looky, I finger-banged Cooksey.'

The say that French is the language of love, but it took the 27-year-old English teacher to lecture in the art of forbidden romance. Ms. Cooksey, who was arrested last month on charges of having a sexual relationship with a student, is now facing nine more charges, including the always-lascivious 'felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile' and the somewhat creepy 'sexual battery by fondling' (an oldie but a goldie). While we wait for Heather's trial now that she's out on $35k bond, take a stroll down memory lane in our Hall of After School Special Award Winners in the gallery above.

What struck me in the Manti Te'o interview with Katie Couric, even more so than Manti repeating a whole heaping steamload of well-rehearsed scandal recovery mode lines, up to and including, 'so, kids, pay attention to your parents' (thanks Hulk Hogan Te'o, you're the best), was the waterworks that erupted from Manti, and his parents, during the course of the interview. I mean, that shit is some serious Oscar worthy performance right there.

Now, I'm not saying that mom and dad don't love their little linebacker, and those tears aren't the tears parents shed for their kids just because they effin' love their kid so much, but, let's also be honest, at best, Manti lied to his school, his teammates, his parents, the media, and probably some other people we're forgetting, and, at worst, well, somebody needs to see The Crying Game on DVD. Check it out.

Well, all I can say is it's about damn time. The sexy librarian is a trope as old as time itself and it's been way too long of an award season to not have one in our stable of lucky scholastic ladies who just couldn't keep their hands off their students. But that's all about to change now thanks to Marisa Anton, the 33-year-old, engaged New Rochelle, NY librarian who freaked out the student she was courting by her aggressive advances to the point that the 16-year-old, instead of considering himself lucky that this woman wanted to pounce on him, decided to do the 'right thing' and alert authorities, resulting in a sting operation that caught Ms. Anton rubber-handed, as-in she showed up with a bag full of condoms at the his house.

In addition to salacious emails and texts, including topless pics of herself, Ms. Anton showed up at the boy's house when his parents were out and reportedly pushed the boy onto 'his bed and asked "Is this what you want?" as she started to pull down his sweatpants.' Despite seeming like a huge cocktease (or whatever the male equivalent would be) for leading the woman on, the student reported her behavior to the cops and Ms. Anton, who will not have to register as a sex offender, pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of a child and at a sentencing next month will mostly likely receive three years probation. In the meantime, don't worry Ms. Anton, your award is in the mail and congratulations for joining the ranks of all the other despicable teachers who've had the honor of winning the not-so coveted After School Special Award!

Oh Cara Dickey, you blond didactic predator. Convicted in 2010, the  32-year-old mother of three and former-Buffalo social studies teacher served two years for getting in the sack with her 14-year-old student after getting him nice and drunk first. Oh, she also entered into a suicide pact with the young man. Currently on parole, Ms. Dickey is prohibited from being in the presence of a minor without an authorized waiver and is required to wear a monitoring device on her ankle. Which would explain why the day after being questioned by her parole officer about being seen in the presence of a minor, she cut the ankle bracelet off and skipped town, calling up a local Buffalo news outlet to let them know she won't be turning herself in.

The unfortunately named Dickey told the station that the minor-in-question was her girlfriend's younger brother (oh, right, I forgot to say she's now a lesbian) and there was nothing salacious involved, just a holiday gathering to celebrate Christmas together. While we wait to see whether the story ends in a dramatic Thelma & Louise-style showdown with Harvey Keitel or if it's just an anticlimactic arrest and imprisonment for countless parole violations, be sure to check out all the other After School Special Award Winners, where we recognize all those female teachers who just couldn't follow the Golden Rule and keep their hands, feet and objects to themselves when it came to their students.

Save for some director rejections, the Star Wars Episode VII news has been trickling out slower than a ship that can't even do the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs. And since my spy over at Disney was caught sneaking through the trash outside of the development offices and has since been disappeared, I haven't been able to get so much as a peep out of those guys. So to kill time until some actual news is dispersed about the progression of the next Star Wars movie, I've been catching up on some new and old parodies and spoofs from a galaxy far, far away.

There's hardly been a franchise more parodied than Star Wars. Hell, Mell Brooks even made a whole movie mocking the series. And who can forget Billy Murray's lounge act singing John Williams' theme song with some not-so clever lyrics. So while we wait for Episode VII, as well as Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money, here are four classic spoofs from the land of Alderaan.

I've only been to Montreal once before, and I mostly remember the fine leather products to be had, and the saucy Frenchy women. I managed to score some sweet boots, did less well with the women. And, apparently I missed an entire element to the fair Quebec city -- dangerous flying man-eating predators from above! Hide your children, literally.

Captured in a park in Montreal, the world's most ambitious golden eagle swoops down to lift a toddler off the ground for dinner time back at the mountain top crib. But, hold on, descendant of dinosaur, you're no Pterodactyl, my brother. Epic eagle fail. Child safe. Eagle is voted the biggest douche bird by all his eagle buddies at the lodge. Do check it out.

Here's a thing to learn quickly if you're going to be an Egotastic! intern. Do not walk into the office one morning and say, 'Hey, you guys, have you heard about this new Internet craze called milking?'. Yeah, no, don't do that.

Invariably, the next step is going to be finding yourself on a street in Hollywood holding a half-gallon of milk over your head wishing you had been more like that Star Trek nerd dude in our office who nobody remembers his name because he hasn't spoken in over two years. He's not very interesting, but he manages to stay dry.

Check out Intern Kristina Oganezova in her latest From Russia with Love video as she goes under the splash cam for an udderly happy time addition to the milking craze.

(P.S. Kristina insists that as a vegan, she is using almond milk, not real animal teat squeezings.)