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Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2- The Secret of the Ooze

Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!

I was in the 7th grade when the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie came out. That was precisely the right age to truly fall in love with the four wisecracking turtles and their martial arts exploits. I was also a huge fan of the cartoon series that popped up after it. So, you can imagine that I was very excited when they announced a sequel. Even at the age of 12 I knew that it would be hard to make a movie as amazing as the first one. I was right. The resulting film is nowhere near as good as the first one, though it does have the single greatest song of all time...Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap.

Secret of the Ooze picks up right where the other movie left off. The Turtles believe that the Shredder and the Foot Clan have been defeated and all is well. But guess what? Shredder somehow survived being crushed in a trash compactor. Intrepid reporter April O'Neil does an investigation into a company that has been dumping toxic waste around the city. Splinter suspects that this waste is the ooze that turned them into giant mutants. The Foot steals the ooze and creates Tokaa and Rahzar, two mutated animals of their own. Their new buddy, a pizza delivery guy, infiltrates the Foot to find the ooze and whatnot. The Turtles then have to defeat the mutants while trying to save Donatello who gets kidnapped. They discover that fire extinguishers can reverse the process and they revert the animals back into small beasts. Shredder then consumes the ooze and becomes Super Shredder. Fortunately, he weighs too much and he falls through the dock and drowns. Pizza Time!

Did I mention there is a dance battle sequence to the Vanilla Ice song? Well, there is. Look, this is a craptacular movie. I know you may doubt it but watch it again as an adult. Still, the animatronics and puppets made by the Hensons is amazing and it's a fun movie even if it is REALLY dumb.

Stretch Mark Barbie

Barbie is at the same time the most popular toy in the world and one of the most controversial. For decades feminists and physicians have criticized Barbie for creating an unrealistic body image in young girls. After all, Barbie's proportions are literally physically impossible. But it isn't only her measurements that aren't realistic. Many of the women we show on the site are damn near physically perfect. Narry a dimple of cellulite, a stretch mark, or a pimple on their flawless bodies. But, let's face it, your girlfriend and wife isn't like that. Very few human women are without the benefit of plastic surgery. That's what makes this new Barbie doll created by Nickolay Lamm. Her proportions are based on the average 19 year old woman. She also comes with stretch marks on her stomach and thighs. There are also sticker of pimples, tattoos, and scars to customize your Barbie.

His whole point is making a doll that looks like an actual woman. It's pretty cool but I doubt it would catch on with most girls. No 7 year old I know wants to dream that one day she will grow up to have stretch marks on her tummy.

Underoos For Adults?

There is nothing hotter than a sexy piece of underwear. A girl in a lacey bra and panties makes my heart go all a twitter. I'm not sure what qualifies as sexy underwear in men. Some ladies like Speedos while others enjoy plain old cotton boxers. I myself go for boxer briefs in various colors. What I am 100% isn't sexy is adult Underoos. The classic makers of children's underpants in the 80's has made a deal with Hot Topic, (natch), to market a line of Underoos for adults. They will feature such iconic heroes and villains as Superman, Captain America, He-Man, Skeletor, Harley Quinn, and Batgirl. They are trying to cash in on the craze for nerd nostalgia. The good thing is that my earlier point is moot because whatever geek is sporting these drawers is not getting laid anyway. So, I guess that works out. I hope they come in both painfully skinny and morbidly obese sizes because that's who wants to wear it.

I admit that I've fallen for a lot of this nerdcore crap in my day. My weakness is for Star Wars crap. Any turd that George Lucas slaps a Yoda onto has been purchased by me. But I'm trying to be more discerning and less fooled by stupid nostalgia. But the flesh is weak.

Jose Canseco’s Magic Finger

Last week baseball legend and walking funny story generator Jose Canseco accidentally shot himself in the hand. He blew off one of his fingers and had to have it surgically reattached. One might think that that would be the end of the story but there was more adventures to be had. The finger fell off while Jose was playing poker in Las Vegas. Let me write that again: Jose Canseco's finger, the one he had reattached a week ago, just fell off during a poker game. I imagine when it fell off onto a stack of chips that no one called that bet. But let Jose tell you the tale via Twitter, spelling mistakes and all:

"Dam I was playing in a poker tournament last night and something crazy happened to my finger that I shot off and they put back on. I knew something crazy was going to happen with this dam finger cause it felt like it was falling off. Ok well I might as well tell you .I was playing in a poker tournament last night and my finger fell off .someone took a video of it. This guy called my agent and sold him the video.of my finger falling off .it looks kinda funny.lol. I want to see the video I haven't even seen it yet ."

Jose Canseco is like a walking gross-out comedy come to life. Why no one has pitched a reality show starring him is beyond me...wait...I have some phone calls to make.

(Photo Via Instagram)

Starbucks Exorcism?

The Power Of Espresso Compels You!

You know when you go to Starbucks to get your coffee fix and you accidentally come across a man battling a demon? No, me neither. Maybe my local Starbucks is just lame and doesn't regularly host exorcisms. The person filming the video enters the store and sees a man trying to expel a demonic entity that was possessing a patron. Usually, exorcisms are conducted in a bedroom or church. But I can see that you want to enjoy the casual hangout factor of a big chain coffee shop. You probably get tired doing war against the forces of hell and you just need a venti half-caf mochacino. I'm surprised the baristas allowed this to go on. I suppose some college kid making a shitty living making coffee doesn't want to get in the middle of a demon expulsion. Remember what happened to fr. Karras in The Exorcist. You don't yourself want to get possessed.

Reddit is arguing over whether or not this is real or fake. I'm guessing fake. Everyone knows you conduct exorcisms at the Coffee Bean.

Weird Crap Sold On Coupon Sites: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

I live in Brooklyn, NY which means that I am surrounded by hipsters. They are everywhere. They say that in New York, rats outnumber the people 5 to 1. Well, the hipsters outnumber the non-douches 8 to 1. That's why this particular item gets under my skin. Soon the the invitations for ugly Christmas sweater parties will start to come in. This is among the most common hipster themed parties. Then you have to go out and find an ugly enough Christmas sweater at the thrift store that doesn't cost too much. Then you have to put on the damn thing and get on the subway and then everyone knows that you are going to an ugly sweater party and are therefor a douche. Luckily, with this Groupon, I can save myself a trip to the thrift store.

They come in Oscar the Grouch, Optimus Prime, or Ninja Turtle varieties. I think I'll get Optimus Prime.

Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: “The Rocketeer”

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Film is an inexact science. Sometimes a studio will invest a ton of money into a movie, market the hell out of it, and it totally fails. It just sits there like a turd in the wind and stinks. These films tend to get swept under the rug as a kind of embarrassment by the studio. It kind of makes them look stupid for having backed the wrong horse, as it were. But some movies bomb REALLY big and are REALLY embarrassing to the studio. The Rocketeer is such a film.

Billy Campbell stars as Cliff Seccord, a hotshot stunt pilot who is dating aspiring actress Jennifer Connelly. When some gangsters crash into his airplane while running from the FBI, they hide a super secret rocket pack designed by Howard Hughes in the hanger. Billy Campbell finds it and has ideas about using it to make money. We then find out that the gangsters stole the rocket pack under the pay of Timothy Dalton, who is kind of an Errol Flynn style movie star. Billy Campbell uses the jet pack to save his friend from crashing his plane and then the press call him The Rocketeer. Meanwhile, Timothy Dalton tries to woo Jennifer Connelly to try and get close to Billy Campbell. It turns out that Timothy Dalton is a Nazi spy, (DUM! DUM! DUM!) and he was stealing the pack for Hitler. All of this convoluted mess ends when Billy Campbell shows up to save Jennifer Connelly and Timothy Dalton is helped to escape by some Nazi troops that somehow managed to get into Los Angeles along with a zeppelin. He tries to escape but Billy Campbell saves the day with the rocket pack.

As you could probably tell from my synopsis, the movie is seriously convoluted. It's hard to keep track of who is after Billy Campbell. The mob, Howard Hughes, the Nazis, Timothy Dalton, the FBI? They all look alike to me. Even a good cast, great effects for the time, and a ton of money behind it couldn't save it from being a mess. Still, the movie is entertaining at points. Could be worse. It could be Cutthroat Island.