Humor

Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: The Serpent And The Rainbow

Pullman.

Voodoo is a very misunderstood subject. Unlike the sinister murderous cult of legend and movies, it's actually a vibrant religion born of the mixing of French Catholicism and African traditional religion during slavery times in Haiti. It is a complex, beautiful, and nuanced faith that is a vital part of Haitian culture. One of the most bastardized ideas is that of the zombie of traditional Haitian voodoo. In the early 1980's, anthropologist Wade Davis traveled to Haiti to study the phenomenon and try and find a pharmacological explanation for zombification. He wrote a book about his experience called The Serpent and the Rainbow. It's a fascinating look at the truth of zombies and Voodoo. But then Hollywood got a hold of the book and made this turd sandwich.

Unlike the non-fiction telling that Davis did in the book, the movie is a highly fictionalized version of the events as related by Davis. Bill Pullman plays Davis, so right off the bat you know you are in trouble. Like the real Davis the fake Davis travels to Haiti to find the "zombie drug". He soon gets mixed up in a voodoo war between an evil bokor, (black magician), and the forces of good Voodoo. There is a girl, of course, that the fake Davis falls for. Eventually, they remember the book and Davis discovers that the secret to the zombie drug is a compound made from the poison of the blowfish. But then the bokor tries to use it on Davis and traps his soul and tries to make him a zombie. Davis manages to escape and defeat the bokor in a really stupid bad effects battle.

Davis' book went a long way at dispelling many of the myths about Voodoo. Ironically, the movie based on his book uses those same tired tropes that make Voodoo look sinister and wholly other. It's a typical Hollywood hack job. Still, it's kind of a spooky, fun movie if you completely turn off your brain and try not to think about how it is utter BS and kind of racist. Kind of like when you watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

More Proof That Nick Cage Is A Vampire

It's long been speculated that actor and professional screaming guy Nicolas Cage is a vampire. There have been several pictures from the remote past, like from the 19th century, appear to have Nic Cage in it. Plus his general, you know, weirdness. How else but a blood lust from the bowels of hell can explain all that energy he puts into his performances. Idris Elba, the great actor guy, had a particularly illuminating tale to tell about the night Nic Cage spent in DRACULA'S EFFING CASTLE,

"Yeah - Nic Cage came back one day on set, and he came down to set and he looked a little bit tired, a little bit - kind of like he'd been up all night. So I was like "hey Nic man, how you doing man" and he said "I'm alright' and I said "You seem a little spooked out" and he said "Yeah man, I went up to Dracula's castle...the ruins up in the mountains, and I stayed the night" and i said "What?! Why|?" and he said "I just had to channel the energy, and it was pretty spooky up there." We were shooting in Romania, Transylvania, and he just went up there to spend the night, as you do. And then he walked away. True story."

Well, I'm convinced.

Thus Spoke Mega Man

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When I was a pissed off angsty teenager in the early to mid-90's I read a lot of the writings of Frederich Nietzsche. That's how big of a dork I was. My way of being rebellious was to read 19th century German Nihilist philosophy. Or is Nietzsche really a Nihilist? Some people say no others say yes. The truth is that Nietzsche is a little hard to understand...OK, it's really hard to understand. You have to have a knowledge of Hegel, Christianity, Kierkegaard, Wagner, Plato, and philology. Luckily, as president of my high school philosophy society, I did. Like I said, I was a huge friggin' dork. I was also an avid video game player and I ascribed all kinds of philosophical ideas to Final Fantasy or Legend of Zelda. But I only vaguely understood what the hell I was talking about. What does a punk 17 year old upper middle class Latino kid in suburban Texas know about anything? Nothing. Hey, like Nietzsche thought eternity was like!

I wish I had had Mega Man to explain it to me like in this video. Here comes the übermench!

Elmo Is Going To Do Time

Elmo has been arrested in New York City. No, I'm not talking about the guy who performed Elmo, Kevin Clash, who is  a kiddy fiddler. No, it's an Elmo in Times Square. This is just another in a long string of assaults, arrests, and harassment by beloved characters. Batman and Spiderman have been arrested as has Spongebob Squarepants. It took ten cops to take down the beloved piece of felt. This to me is a sign of how bad the economy really is. I know we're supposedly in an economic recovery, but there is something really wrong with us as a nation if Muppets and superheroes have to panhandle fat tourists from Nebraska in Times Square. Elmo must have made millions on merchandising alone. Remember Tickle Me Elmo? What happened to his fortune? Does he have a drug problem? Gambling? Prostitutes? I don't know.

I cry a tear for the death of America.

80′s Cartoons “Where Are They Now?”

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The 80's were a new golden age of animation. I mean, maybe it's just because that's when I was a kid and I have fond memories of cartoons that may or may not suck. Thundercats, He-Man, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? were particular favorites of mine. That's what makes this short film so disturbing. It is made by animator Steve Cutts and is...well...dark. The whole thing is hosted by a morbidly obese Jessica Rabbit and shows the despair they live in. Skeletor is a telemarketer and Mumra and Lion-o work at a supermarket. Only He-Man seems to have done well for himself. Then again, he comes from money and doesn't have to spend money on things like clothes.

It's funny but left me feeling anguished. Enjoy!

Today In Japanese Perversion: Boobie Squeezing Simulator Game

Tune in to Tokyo

They say that gamers are all lonely nerds sitting in their mom's basement somewhere flogging the dolphin. This stereotype is generally not true. Which isn't to say it doesn't apply to several sad a lonely men. Lucky for them, the Japanese are there to help them get their jollies. They can combine their two favorite things: video games and pretending to touch boobs. That's why there is this new Boobie Squeezing Simulator. You use a pair of Oculus Rift goggles to look at a sexy anime girl, (if a cartoon can be sexy), and then squeeze a pair of foam boobs on a bust of the same anime girl. From the looks of the spring back action on the foam boobs, it doesn't look like it responds in any way like a real pair of ta-tas. Then again, what difference do they know?

I think it's safe to say that if you are playing this game you have never, and may never, fondle a human breast.

“Star Wars” Without Music

Awkward...

One of the greatest movie scores of all time is John Williams epic music from the Star Wars saga. One of my favorite pieces is the "throne room" scene at the very end of Episode IV: A New Hope. It's the scene in which Han Solo and Luke Skywalker get medals for blowing up the Death Star. I've always felt that it is total speciesism B.S. that Chewbacca didn't get a medal. After all, he is the one who actually flew the Millennium Falcon. Han just shot and missed a tie fighter, spooking him into crashing into Vader's ship. Does that deserve a medal? I think not. Music is an integral part of any movie. Without it you get this video.

Basically, it's just people standing around and smiling creepily at each other. Awkward.