How Long Would You Survive The Zombocalypse?

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Some sciency guys at Cornell University set up a zombie apocalypse simulator to estimate how quickly a zombie plague would spread. It’s bad news for anyone who lives in a big city. I, for example, live in New York City where there are thousands of people in every square block and 9+ million people on a bunch of islands. In other words, I am dead. I have no car to get to the mainland and even if I got a Zipcar or something I probably wouldn’t make it far. No, the people who will survive are people in remote less densely populated areas. You know, rednecks. I’m sort of OK with this. The thing is that I personally don’t want to survive in a post Z-Day. I’ve watched The Walking Dead. That looks horrible. I’d rather just die quickly and get it over with and then roam around for a bit until I rot or I’ll just jump off the Brooklyn Bridge when the zombies start multiplying.

So, move out to the boonies and start stockpiling arms and MREs if you really want. Not me. I’m going to be eating a bagel in Brooklyn when the zombies come for my brain.

Batman Hotel Room Rents By The Hour

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It is a fact that Batman is the greatest superhero of all time. Who hasn’t fantasized about donning the cowl and going out into the night to beat up criminals and use all those amazing gadgets? I know I have. I mean, I’m not saying that Bruce Wayne had it easy what with the whole his parents being murdered thing…but he is a billionaire. Let’s just say that people who work for a living don’t have time to create an alter-ego and create secret lairs. But you can pretend that you are Bruce Wayne if you go to the Eden Motel in Taiwan. The Batman room is available for the night or by the hour in case you just want to impress your girl with a Batman room but are on a budget. You better get your business done in that time or else they send in the Joker to spray your with a fire extinguisher.

The truth is that I wonder how many women would be impressed with this kind of thing. It seems like something a dude would be all about. So, maybe it’s best for dorky couples with disposable income.

Guy Tests The Mentos/Coke Experiment

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When I was in high school, a science teacher got bored and decided to show us what happens when you combine Mentos, (the freshmaker), and Diet Coke. It causes a mini-explosion of soda that made a huge mess of the school lawn. It has something to do with the carbon dioxide reacting to something or other in the Mentos, (the freshmaker). So, it’s of no surprise that an idiot genius covered himself in Mentos, (the freshmaker), and dunked himself into a bathtub full of Coke Zero. Naturally, the result is explosive. This kind of antics are fodder for the YouTube lovers that enjoy people doing stupid things. People like you and me. Admit it, there is a part of you that wants to do this.

The problem with me doing it isn’t a question of will. It’s more of a matter of cleaning the bathroom afterwards. And my wife would seriously murder me.

“Whiplash” Starring Animal

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One of the sleeper hits of last year was the jazz drumming teacher and pupil tale of Whiplash. The great JK Simmons won the Oscar for his portrayal of the dictatorial drum teacher. I thought jazz was all about, like, being cool, man? Apparently not. It’s about screaming and being belittled I guess. The problem is that JK Simmons just didn’t have a student that was worthy of his talent. Luckily, the people at Huffington Post UK decided to bring one of the greatest drummers of all time to Simmons: Animal from the Muppets. Part Keith Moon, part Ringo Starr, and all badass, Animal has been rocking your balls off for forty years.

I’d pay to see a movie with JK Simmons and Animal going at it musically. That would have swept the Oscars.

The Disturbing Rise In “Hillbilly Porn”

There is a rising trend in pornography: hillbilly porn. Instead of the usual bevy of coked out blonds with fake boobies from California, these fine films feature rednecks from the South and Appalachia. It’s no wonder with the popularity of shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Swamp People celebrating the inbred and ignorant. According to Gamelink, the niche market for movies with toofless white trash going at it started selling in quadruple numbers about two years ago. While I can’t say that I understand the appeal of watching homunculus troglodyte Wal-Mart denizens bumping uglies, I do comprehend the trend. Still, I can’t help but think that we as country can do better.

Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry that provides fap material for millions of happy customers. The industry has always been visionary in its adoption of new technologies from film to Blu-Ray 3D. Porn filmmakers have always had their fingers on the…ahem…pulse on what’s going on in the culture. The U.S. seems to be going through a period where we put down education and hygiene in support of the unwashed ignorance of rural America. I think we should strive for pornography that elevates us as a people. Where are all those classic pornos that take place in schools or hospitals with naughty teachers and doctors? Now it’s all set in trailer parks and Arby’s parking lots. If, as young men, we grow up watching porn that at least displays people who can kind of complete sentences, won’t we be better off?

NYPD Using “Road House” As Training Video

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He's the best cooler in the business

I have a masters degree in film and media and I can tell you from a place of authority that the Patrick Swayze film Road House is one of the greatest movies ever made. the tale of a sensitive philosophical bouncer at a bar in rural bumeff America changed the way we live our lives. So, it’s not a surprise that the New York City police department is using the film to teach their police cadets how to treat people. It’s certainly needed. The NYPD has come under a lot of scrutiny in the past few years over their use of extreme force. Swayze teaches his bouncers that their policy needs to “be nice, until it’s time not to be nice.” Many people have criticized this practice as a waste of time, money, and resources. These people have clearly never seen the movie Road House.

MST3K writer and Rifftrax member Mike Nelson has said that the movie Road House is the litmus test upon which all films should be judged. I wholeheartedly agree. There is no doubt that one day history will be judged on Before Road House and After Road House. So, why shouldn’t the cops learn from Swayze? Would it be better for them to learn from some crappy in house training video? Why not learn from the best cooler in the business.

Elsa From “Frozen” Gets Arrested

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You know what sucks? Winter. Where I am in New York City it is currently 9 degrees. 9 effing degrees, y’all. If only there were a single person that you could blame for all of this ball freezing cold. There is. The police in Harlan Kentucky arrested Queen Elsa of Arendelle for making everything…well…frozen. The police sent out an APB that read,

“Suspect is a blonde female last seen wearing a long blue dress and is known to burst into song ‘Let it Go!’ As you can see by the weather she is very dangerous. Do not attempt to apprehend her alone.”

It’s a sad day when we start using police resources to arrest cartoon ice queens. I mean, why arrest them? Just friggin’ shoot them in the face and we won’t have to deal with winter ever again. Cops need to think things through.