A GoPro, A Hula Hoop, And The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

Thank you, Jesus

GoPros are fun little cameras that you can put into all kinds of weird scenarios. You can put them on a drone, a helmet, a bike, or just strap it to your head. But the Cowboys, much to my chagrin, came up with easily the best use for a GoPro that has ever been thought up. They attached it to a hula hoop and then had the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders hula hoop with it. It shows off their assets. By assets I mean boobs. I've always had a thing for ladies doing hula hoop. Maybe it's some kind of repressed childhood thing. Or maybe it's just that hot women swinging their hips is sexy. What I do know is that this video is everything.


Stupid Crap Sold On Coupon Sites: Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps

Groupon is a great site for finding deals for restaurants, stores, and even vacations. I know I write this feature making fun of Groupon and its ilk but I use it all the time. But among the B&B discounts and restaurant specials you occasionally find and item that seems, shall we say, out of place. One of those is definitely the Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps. Now, I'm not going to judge what people do in the privacy of their own bedroom. OK, that's a lie. I'll judge them but I won't enforce my morality on anyone. I just wonder if there is such a demand for Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps that they felt compelled to sell them at a discounted rate on the most popular coupon site in the country. Maybe I'm wrong but I think that people who are in the market for a pair of Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps would pay full price. When you are in the market for Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps, it is not a time to be cheap. I know if I were to attach some Fetish Fantasy Unisex Alligator Nipple Clamps to my nips I'd want them to be of the highest quality.

Maybe I just don't get it. I'm going to go drink until I pass out on my couch now. Get them here.

On Justin Bieber’s Facial Hair

I remember when I was eleven years old a dirty smudge of facial hair appeared above my lip. Yes, I was eleven. I come from Cuban/Jewish stock which are the two greatest beard growing ethnicities of all time. Anyway, my grandfather immediately taught me how to shave because I looked like a trailer trash child molester. This same white trash 'stache exists on the smug little weasel face of Justin Bieber. I realize that he IS White Trash from Canada but there is no reason to celebrate it. I realize that he may just now be going through puberty and that he's excited that he is finally becoming a little fancy man but it just looks bad. I know he's surrounded by yes men that aren't going to tell him that he looks like a couch rapist. Well, I'm here to tell you Justin, you look like a trailer park loser.

It's time to shave that crap off your face, Justin. I will start a Kickstarter campaign to buy you a lifetime supply of shaving razors. It's bad enough that we have to look on your smug little pixie face without looking at that anemic pubes garden above your lip.

Spiderman Punches A Cop

Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman?

Times are tough in New York City, even for Spiderman. But that's no excuse to go punching cops. For like the 80 millionth time this year, one of the costumed weirdos that harass tourists in Times Square got into a fight with passersby. Apparently, it all started when Spiderman wanted $5 instead of $1 from some lady for taking her picture with him. This is what Spiderman is reduced to doing for money. Times are tough, like I said. That's when Spiderman started roughing the woman up. The cops came over to arrest him and then he decked one of the cops. So, he went from disorderly conduct to assaulting a police officer. That's a felony in case you were keeping score.

I think the worst part is that Spiderman is setting a bad example for kids with all of his shenanigans. What kind of world are we living in?

On Leo DiCaprio’s Chub

Leonardo DiCaprio hasn't been looking like himself lately. In fact, he's been looking kinda...thick. Not like needs to ride a Rascal scooter because his legs can't hold him up fat, but definitely chubby for him. A lot of people in the press have been giving him flack because he no longer looks like Jack from friggin' Titanic. Well, friends, that was twenty years ago and Leo is entering that age where keeping off the weight gets harder. But really, is it such a big deal that our biggest movie star puts on a few pounds? After all, we are all getting fatter in America. Exponentially so. It only makes sense that our actors no longer look like either bodybuilders or skinny waifs. I look forward to the day when Leo keeps his shirt on throughout a whole movie because he's ashamed of his moobies. This is America dammit and that's how I feel about going shirtless.

They say that we want to see ourselves on the big screen and I for one agree. So, let the man eat some cheeseburgers and enjoy his pudge for a while.

Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: “Left Behind”

Chill out, Mike

I grew up on Growing Pains. The adventures of the Seaver clan was a daily staple in my life. The breakout heartthrob of the series was the eldest teenage son, Kirk Cameron. He was on the cover of Tiger Beat almost every month. I remember my cousin having a picture of him over her bed. Somewhere along the line Kirk found Jesus. Big time. He started making demands on the producers to make the show, which was already pretty White and uptight, more family friendly. Not outright Christian, but certainly really overly moral. He even objected to his character wanting to be an actor because that wasn't a serious profession...even though he is an actor himself. In the years since, Kirk became a staple of Christian programming. So, it came as a surprise to no one when the bestselling series of Christian novels, The Left Behind series, was optioned that he would star. The result is an apocalyptic, (tee hee), trilogy of movies, the first of which is Left Behind.

Cameron stars as Buck, a reporter with not-CNN. He is in Israel reporting on the good works being produced by one Nicolae Carpathia, a billionaire UN-Secretary general who happens to also be the (DUM! DUM! DUM!) Antichrist. Suddenly, the rapture happens and millions of Christians are sucked into heaven while the rest of us are...wait for it...left behind. Buck begins his investigation of the disappearances, which lead him to a small church where he accepts Jesus Christ as his lord and blah blah blah. Carpathia has plans for world domination that begin with the rebuilding of the Jewish Temple. Then it is up to Kirk and his Christian group to stop him!

The production value is horrible. I mean bad. It's surprising because the Left Behind books were so popular, even with non-Christians. You'd think they could have gotten more money and better filmmakers. But no, they got a production backed by the Trinity Broadcasting network and Mike Seaver. Given the subject matter there is no reason that even though it is ultimately a Christian story that it couldn't also be entertaining. Think of all of those Biblical epics from the fifties. A lot of them were really good movies. So, there is no excuse. Still, if you are anything like me and you enjoy bad Christian programming, this is the movie for you. Oh, and now the made a new version starring Nicolas Cage...

Weird Crap The Sell On Coupon Sites: “Decorative Margarita Glass Bug Zapper”

What's the worst part of summer barbecues? The mosquitos, amiright? These blood sucking pests show up and ruin any party. It doesn't matter how many citronella candels you put out, the little bastards keep coming. The answer might be a bug zapper. Not only is it an effective bug killer it also becomes a piece of entertainment for your guests as they watch the insects be electrocuted. The only problem with bug zappers is that they don't say "party". Well, now there is the Decorative Margarita Glass Bug Zapper. It's a bug zapper that looks like a margarita! If you are a Jimmy Buffet parrothead, live in Florida, or are generally a tacky drunk then this product is for you. I never really thought, "This bug zapper is great but it would be even better if it looked like a frozen drink". But then again, I'm not klassy with a K.