Humor

Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: “The Fifth Element”

Bruce Willis With Blond Hair?

What makes a great science fiction movie? Or, for our purposes, what makes an awesomely horrible one? You need a goofy future where the rules aren't entirely clear but honestly, who cares about the rules? Throw in some silly effects, dudes in rubber masks, and a scantily clad hot chick and you are half the way there. But you need a star, right? How about Bruce Willis with blond hair. Sure, why not? But wait, you need a villain. How about Gary Oldman with a weird Texas accent. Of course! Finally, Chris Tucker as a flamboyant preening homosexual is needed...nay demanded. Why has no one thought of this before? Luc Besson thought of it over a period of 20 years when he developed the wonderfully over the top schlocktropiece The Fifth Element.

The Fifth Element stars Bruce Willis as Dallas, a grizzled cab driver in New York City two hundred years from now. He accidentally meets an alien named LeeLoo, played by Mila Jovovich in a tight dress made of rubber strips. LeeLoo is the Fifth Element, the secret component of a super weapon left on Earth by some aliens called the Mondoshawans capable of destroying an evil that appears every 5000 years. Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg, (played with scene chewing glory by Gary Oldman), has been hired by the great evil to stop the Fifth Element. It's then up to Dallas and LeeLoo to get to an ancient Egyptian ruin thing in time for LeeLoo to destroy the evil or something. Who cares? There are a lot of flashing lights and cool stuff to look at.

The Fifth Element did pretty darn good at the box office and is a damn entertaining movie. But it's goofy as hell. Like, for serious go watch it again. It has Luke Perry in it. That alone knocks it down a few notches. The writing is bizarre and the story is confusing but it is a visually stunning movie. Everything from the costumes that were designed by Jean Paul Gaultier to the pre-CGI visual effects are sheer eye candy. It also introduced the acting world to Mila. There would be no Resident Evil movies has there been no Fifth Element. It's good stuff.

Survey Constructs “The Perfect Woman”

What does the "perfect woman" look like? I suppose it's a matter of taste. One man might like big breasts while another is a proud member of the itty bitty titty committee. What exactly makes a "perfect woman". According to a survey conducted with scientific rigor by the British lingerie brand Bluebella the answer is a Frankenstein's monster made of hot chicks. The interesting thing is the difference between what men and women responded. According to men the "perfect woman" has Megan Fox's face, Kim Kardashian's breasts, Michelle Keegan's stomach, Kelly Brooks' hips, Scarlett Johansson's hair, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's legs. But women think that she would have Cara Delevingne's face, Jennifer Aniston's breasts, Gwyneth Paltrow's stomach, Emma Watson's hips, Kate Middleton's hair, and Elle MacPerson's legs.

I don't understand this at all. Kim K's breasts over her booty? Kate Middleton's hair over Emma Watson's? And where are Sofia Vergara's breasts? Surely, they are the Platonic form of funbags. Also this list is awfully White. What about Lupita Nyong'o's face or Lucy Lui's hair? Not to pull the race card but this list is kinda racist. I for one don't think you can assemble the perfect woman from spare parts. I wouldn't like all of those scars.

What a Bummer: Pinterest Gets Hacked By Butt Lovers

Sometimes, I wish I were a hacker. Not because I want to fool people or scam them out of their hard-earned money, but because I could probably do stuff like this dude did recently on Pinterest. You see, what he did was hack various people's account on the photo sharing and pinning network. Instead of pasting spammy links and annoying sh't like most hackers do, he pinned countless women's bottoms on the hacked accounts' boards instead.

Hermione Way from the Start-Ups: Silicon Valley noticed a bevy of butts pinned to her board and tweeted: 'Dear @Pinterest my accounts been hacked with someone posting hundreds of butt pictures all over my boards-security??!'

Only a few accounts were affected though, and I'm sure it was a huge bummer for everyone who had their accounts temporarily butt-jacked. Lolz.

Amazingly Awesome: ‘Star Wars’ Theme Played on Pipe Organ (VIDEO)

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Pipe organs are best known for the eerie tunes they produce, which are usually featured in horror flicks. And now, thanks to Jelani Eddington, it'll at least be known for producing an awesome rendition of the Star Wars theme, which you've probably heard countless times after all the Star Wars marathons you've no doubt organized and gone to in the past few years.

Hit 'play' above and hear the theme like you've never heard it before, pipe organ-style. Now isn't that something else?

Today In Japanese Perversion: The “Bonus Kiss” App

The Japanese really are the masters of coming up with weird sexy crap. I mean that as a compliment. While we in the U.S. battle with the legacy of puritanism, they are way ahead of us in the pervert arena. After conquering the world of tentacle porn and love dolls they are now venturing into making pervy apps. "A Kiss When The Boss Is Not Watching" or "Bonus Kiss" is exactly what it sounds like. You play a guy who works in an office with a hot anime girl that is customizable. For some reason she is allowed to wear a bikini to work which is totally unprofessional. The villain of the game is a grumpy boss with a Saddam Hussein mustache. The object is to sneak a kiss from the bikini clad girl while the boss' head is turned. If he catches the couple in the act he fires them. It's also somehow a slots game.

I guess this game feeds into the whole "sexy because it's sneaking around thing". Or maybe it's just that they like to imagine getting sexy at the office. I'm not sure. The good thing is that the game is free. So, I guess you get what you pay for. I don't get the appeal but then again anime girls don't make me randy.

Now You Can Get ‘Chinese Take-Out Pizza’ Pie Laced With Weed

If you find yourself trekking in the Bieb's home country, then you might want to drop by the Mega ILL Cafe in Eastern Vancouver. Make sure you ask for the 'Chinese Take-Out Pizza' or any of their other unique flavors and have it drizzled with pot-infused oil to get a literal high after having a slice or two.

Unfortunately, the pot-infused pies are only available to over-18 folks who have a prescription for medical marijuana. The cafe's owners are pretty cool though, as they encourage folks to BYOC (bring your own cannabis) and even provide patrons with vaporizers that they can use for free.

Check It Out: Mega ILL Cafe

They Killed The Texas Chupacabra

You Ain't From Around Here, Is Ya?

I told you last week about a mysterious creature that was captured by a Texas couple that many felt was a genuine Chupacabra. Well, the creature was put down by the couple who had named the blood-sucking demon Chupie. Unlike most Chupacabra sightings that are just coyotes with mange, this thing was something different. The couple was told that it was a raccoon with mange. I don't buy it. Look at the creature. Does that look like a raccoon to you? Does its face resemble that of a raccoon? And while we're at it do its hands look like dog's paws? No. It's entirely possible that this thing was a previously unknown species or that it really was the blood sucking alien from outer space. But Texas being Texas they killed the thing.

I think the government got to them. Clearly they were trying to create an army of the vampiric creatures to hunt down terrorists and whatnot. Then this yokel named Bubba captures an escaped Chupacabra and makes national headlines. That's the real reason they had to kill the beast. It's a top secret experiment gone array or proof that the government knows about aliens.

Or it's just a raccoon with mange.