May The Fourth Be With Us

It’s international Star Wars day, the one day a year when the entire planet of nerds and geeks come together to celebrate the tale of the Skywalker family from a galaxy far, far away. Even people who normally don’t think about Star Wars are reminded of their childhood love of the adventures of Han Solo and Chewbacca. This year is particularly poignant as there is a Star Wars film coming our way. In December the first of a new trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, opens in theaters. The trailers look pretty awesome and the fact that it was written by Empire Strikes Back writer Lawrence Kasdan and directed by JJ Abrams is a good sign. At least it’s not Lucas. But it is also a time of apprehansion. BEcause I remember a May the Fourth almost twenty years ago when another Star Wars movie was getting ready to drop.

My cousin John and I went to see Adam Sandler’s Waterboy one day in 1998, not because we wanted to see an Adam Sandler turd, but because the trailer for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was premiering. This was before the internet broadcast such things so if you wanted to see it you had to go to the theater. And the trailer looked incredible. I audibly squeeled when I saw Darth Maul’s double sided lightsaber. And then the movie came out and…well…you know. But I’m an optimistic guy and I’m willing, perhaps masochistically, to go into this new trilogy with an open mind. I hope my childhood doesn’t get betrayed again.

Naked Texas Caveman Isn’t Me

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A naked caveman has been terrorizing hikers in the mountains around El Paso, TX. The clearly insane scruffy dude has been living in a cave and wandering around scaring people because, again, he is insane. He’s chased hikers through the canyon, his dong flapping in the breeze. He’s worked out at an apartment’s jungle gym and has been seen eating from local “dumpster buffets”. In this video, taken by a hiker, the caveman tells us with why he lives the way he does.

The one rumor I want to squelch right now is that this guy is me. As I’m sure you all know, I have been living in an underground bunker in Texas for the last couple of months with my cat Mrs. Snugglepuss awaiting the end of the world. I have been sending out reports via my “Dispatches From The Apocalypse” series. Some nasty rumors starting going around when this story broke that this lunatic was me. Firstly, I don’t live in a cave I live in a bunker. I rarely go out naked and I don’t bother hikers as a rule. Plus I’m way more handsome than this guy. So, please stop spreading lies.

Tourists Can Play Illegal Border Crossing In “La Caminata”

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Have you ever wondered what it’s like to attempt a dangerous and heart wrenching illegal border crossing? Well, you are in luck, amigo! In the town of El Alberto in Mexico you can go on “La Caminata”, a simulated run for the border. Dudes dress like coyotes, (the scumbags that exploit immigrants not the kind that get anvils dropped on them), and lead tourists through the desert to a fake border. The people who run the literal tourist trap say they are doing it to raise awareness of the dangers of crossing the border in this way. Ironically, “La Caminata” has been so successful that many residents of the town have stayed rather than immigrate because they can now earn a living at home. While I’m sure their intentions might be good, they haven’t taken into account how messed up American tourists are.

In places like India, South Africa, and Guatemala, rich gringos take tours of slums for fun. They say it’s because they want to “experience other cultures” but really they just want to gawk at poor brown people. With “La Caminata” they can find out how their housekeeper and landscaping crew came to work in their suburban cul-de-sac. Of course, in “La Caminata” there is no danger that you will be arrested, shot by “rednecks” patrolling the border, or left to die in the desert by the coyotes. I think they should expand the tour to get the full undocumented immigration experience. After they get across the border, the men are taken to a Home Depot where they have to wait around all day for work. The female tourists are taken to their own houses and forced to scrub their toilets.

Squids Love Cypress Hill

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Science once again comes to the rescue when it revealed that squids love Cypress Hill. Some species of squid have the ability to change color to match their surroundings. What make this possible are tiny cells in their skin called chromatophores. A neuroscience website called Backyard Brains conducted an experiment in which they played Cypress Hill’s 1993 hit Insane in the Membrane and watched the chromatophores, “dance”. Apparently, the cells are reacting to the bass in the music. Next week they will bring in Dr. B-Real and prof. Sen Dogg to see if squids can rock the ganj.

Who you getting crazy with squidy? Don’t ju know I’m a cephalopod?

RIP Tinkerbell

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Think back to the mid-2000′s. George W. Bush was president, we were fighting a war on terror, and Britney Spears went crazy. Amidst all this turmoil stood a single beacon of American womanhood: Paris Hilton. Her constant companion was Tinkerbell the chihuahua. She took him everywhere with her in her various purses. Well, I’m sad to say that this American icon is dead. Tinkerbell not Paris Hilton. That dog lived a better life than 99% of humans on this Earth. Gourmet food, expert grooming, a big house to live in. When I come back in my next life I want to be some rich socialite’s purse dog. That is the life, my friends. The past few years  Tinkerbell hasn’t been seen in public much wanting to retire from the limelight and live the quiet life in a huge mansion eating filet mignon and whatnot.

What did Tinkerbell represent as a society. Some would say that it was a bad thing that Paris used a living creature as an accessory. But I ask you, was Tinkerbell Paris’ accessory or was Paris’ Tinkerbell’s accessory. (drops the mic).

Matthew McConaughey Watches The Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer

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I have to say that the new trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens looks pretty amazing. I’m trying to couch my expectations by reminding myself of how awesome The Phantom Menace trailer looked when I first saw it and we saw how that turned out. Still, f you didn’t feel a flutter in your heart and a lump in your throat when Han and Chewie appeared on screen then you are dead inside. Though I admit that I am not as emotional as Matthew McConaughey. I mean, no one is. His movie roles are so overwrought that you wonder if he needs to be on bi-polar medications. Did you see Interstellar? It was like watching someone become unhinged for three hours.

So, some genius took footage of McConaughey being a drama queen and spliced it into the Star Wars trailer. The result is hilarity.

Sizzler Is The Choice Of America

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If you are like me you grew up in the suburbs of America and your dining options were limited. It was pretty much big chain restaurants. But there was definitely a hierarchy to the chain restaurants. There were the ones you might go to on a regular night like Chili’s, one you would go on a date like the Olive Garden, and then the type of place you went on a special occasion. The Sizzler was just such a place. It was a buffet and a steakhouse in one! I used to get the surf and turf platter with a steak and crab legs because I’m klassy. Sure, later in life I tried better steaks and realized that the Sizzler isn’t all it is cracked up to be. But still, call it nostalgia but I have a special place in my heart for places like the Sizzler.

This promotional video from 1991 is amazing. It equates the many choices available to you at the Sizzler with the freedom of choice we have as Americans. It is overwrought and almost five minutes of choirs singing about the Sizzler and America. In other words, it’s amazing.