Humor

Satan Endorses Nick Cage

Could it be....Satan?!

I've often wondered how Nicolas Cage has a career. Simply giving the glib answer that he's a Coppola isn't a good enough reason. There are plenty of Coppolas that didn't amount to much, (cough, cough Roman cough, cough). But not only has Nick Cage been successful he's been incredibly successful. As time has gone by I've come to the conclusion that Nick Cage sold his soul to Satan in exchange for eternal life and fame and fortune. The evidence that he's an immortal is striking but there has never been clear proof of his connection to the dark lord...until now. Satan himself gave a positive blurb for Nick's new movie Left Behind. In the movie he plays an airline pilot who is flying a plane when the rapture happens. He then gets caught up in the whole Book of Revelation hoobajoob. Satan does not want you to see this movie if you aren't a Christian. He says:

"Please do not bring unbelievers to this movie- Satan"

Apparently, it's so powerful you can't not accept Jesus as your Lord and savior. I don't understand why they remade Left Behind. There is a perfectly awesome film version starring Kirk Cameron. That one, however, did not get the Satanic seal of approval.

Stupid Crap Sold On Coupon Sites: Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt

I've never understood the beer koozy. I like an ice cold beer as much as anyone but I've never felt that the beer koozy actually helps keep beer cold. I often go to a friend or family member's home and am given a beer in a koozy. I accept it because I know it is done from a place of wanting to maximize my enjoyment of the beer. Whatever, I'll live with it. But the beer koozy is a summer accessory usually. I'm not sure why. If anything the beer koozy makes more sense in the winter when it is cold and uncomfortable to hold an icy cold beer in your hand. Enter the Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt. It's a mitten with a hole to put your beer. One might ask why you need a special mitten to hold your beer. I mean, if you just have a pair of gloves on you are by definition protecting your hand from the cold. Groupon says,

"This half-glove, half-beer koozie mitt keeps beverages cold and fingers warm, making it the perfect accessory for outdoor tailgate parties."

This seems like a waste of money, but what do I know? Get it here.

LOLZ, False Advertising: What Those Black Burgers Really Look Like

Remember those black burgers were told you about? Well, here's a word of advice to our readers in Japan: in case you were interested in trying them, don't, because they look like sh't. The promotional pictures make 'em look interesting, but there's nothing like a dose of reality and another picture showing the actual product to cement the fact that a black burger is pretty gross, even though advertising images make them look otherwise. Ick.

Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: The Human Centipede

EAT IT!

There are films that are hailed as instant classics as soon as they hit theaters. Casablanca or The Godfather come to mind. But there is one movie that when it came out a few years ago made a splash of a different sort. This film's premise is so weird and disgusting that at a screening I saw, people actually threw up in the theater. I'm talking, of course, of the now classic piece of crap known as The Human Centipede. I wouldn't watch it if you've just eaten.

The movie starts out with two girls traveling through Europe whose car breaks down and they go for help at the house of the creepiest German doctor they can find. He offers to help, but roofies them instead. As the main girl starts to fall asleep they have this exchange: Girl: I'm getting sleepy... Scientist: That's because of the date rape drug. Classic. They wake up tied to hospital beds. He soon captures a Japanese tourist to make his trio. His plan is really quite simple: he's going to sew them ass to mouth to make a human centipede. He tried to do it with his dogs but it didn't work. The cops eventually arrive and kill the scientist but not before the cop is also killed. The middle girl is left to suffer as the front and rear person dies. Whoops!

This movie is not good and it is pretty hard to stomach. But if you are into grisly weird horror, then this movie is for you. You sicko.

Ken And Barbie Died For Our Sins

An art show by a couple of Argentine artists has got the Vatican REALLY upset. What could they have done to piss off the seat of power of the Catholic Church? Create a Barbie Virgin of Guadalupe and Ken doll Jesus on the cross. The artists, Marianela Perelli and Pool Paolini, didn't stop at the two most important figures in Christianity. The show is called "Barbie, The plastic Religion". They created 33 dolls with religious figures of various faiths represented including Hindu gods and the Buddha. They wisely decided to stay away from the prophet Mohammed. But it is there take on the Virgin and Jesus that has most upset people. The Vatican denounced the show, like they have done with other blasphemous artworks in the past. They bring up that there is such a thing as bad taste and that it different than mere provocation.

What I don't get is that by denouncing the show and making such a big deal about it all they have done is make it more popular. Probably fifteen people would have seen the show in Buenos Aires at some gallery or whatever and that would be it. But by making such a hullabaloo there will probably be hundreds if not thousands of looky-loos that will go see the show. Personally, I just think the "art" is silly and predictable. "Ooooh, religion is fake so we are going to nail Ken to a cross, Ooooh we're so provocative." Give me a break.

Biker Bad-assery At Its Best: First-Ever Tsunami Flip in Contest (VIDEO)

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The bad-ass dude in the video is Szymon Godziek, and we'll refer to him as the 'Bike God' from here on out. He was one of the riders at the Red Bull District Ride 2014 and was one of the very few who amazed not only fans but fellow (and competing) riders as well. What the Bike God did was no small feat: he completed a tsunami flip and landed it successfully--that makes it the first time it was ever done in a competition! Talk about bad-assery.

As for what a tsunami flip actually is, hit play on the video to see for yourself. It will give you goosebumps. Enjoy!

Suck On This: Pumpkin Spice-Flavored Condoms

If your lady love doesn't like going down on you, then here's something that might make her be more willing: Pumpkin Spice condoms. That's only if she likes pumpkin spice and is a fan of lattes of that flavor, though...

Pumpkin spice-flavored condoms were rumored to be in the works for Durex, but alas, it was not meant to be. The condom maker recently announced that the rumors were just that--a rumor. So to anyone out there who owns a condom factory, well, you know what to do. Anything to spice things up in the bedroom, right?