Gilbert Gottfried Recites The Speech From “Independence Day”

Today We Declare Our Indpendence Day!

The greatest inspirational speech ever written is the St. Crispin's Day speech from Henry V by Willy Shakes. If you want to get pumped up to kill some Frenchies, look no further. The second greatest inspirational speech of all time is Bill Pullman's inspiring words before the final assault on the alien spaceship in Independence Day. This is not up for discussion. It is without a doubt a case. I've never fought off a horde of alien invaders and that speech gets me pumped up every time. If I have one quibble with it it's that Bill Pullman is not the greatest actor. I mean, he's OK but there are better actors. Namely, sir Gilbert Gottfried. In fact, I'm of the opinion that everything is made better with a little Gottfried.

Here he is dubbing the speech from Independence Day over Pullman. It made my day.

Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: “Rocky IV”

If He Dies, He Dies...

The first Rocky film is arguably the greatest sports film ever made. They say the best sports movie, and moments in sports in general, are when they become about more than the game. Rocky was certainly that. It was the story of a guy who just wants to go the distance with the champ, just to show he's good enough to be a contender. In the end, (38 year old spoiler alert), Rocky loses the fight. That didn't sit well with a lot of people. So, in Rocky II he wins the rematch with Apollo Creed. Then that did well so they made a third movie with Mr. T because...well...Mr. T. When it inevitably came time to make part IV, Sylvester Stallone tapped into the Reagan era zeitgeist to make a movie in which Rocky Balboa, a mamaluk from Philly, wins the Cold War.

At the beginning of Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion is the heavyweight champ of the world and is jacked beyond belief. In the vein of Cold War cooperation, the filthy commies of the U.S.S.R bring over their champ Ivan Drago, played brilliantly by Dolph Lungren. Along with his minder, played by Brigitte Lielsen, he represents the latest in technological training methods where as Rocky just punches meat in a fridge. During an exhibition match Ivan kills Rocky's former foe and now friend Apollo Creed. "If he dies...he dies" Ivan chillingly tells Rocky. But what Ivan really wants is the heavyweight belt and he has to go through Rocky to get it. But REALLY it's about godless communism vs. American democracy. Rocky trains in the snow while Ivan is hooked up to a lot of machines. "I will crush you", Ivan tells Rocky. But, of course, Rocky beats him and brings down the Soviet Union. Yo.

Rocky IV is an absurd film but fun. I was a kid during the 80's and Rocky IV was part of a series of jingoistic films that showed Americans as jacked up heroes battling evil commies. Stallone is a pretty good writer but a lousy director. The acting is overwrought and the action feels forced. Still, if you want to feel proud to be an American then look no further than Rocky IV.

The Trailer For Lifetime “Saved By The Bell” Movie Is Everything

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As we eagerly anticipate the coming of the Saved By The Bell unauthorized movie on Lifetime, we dream about how awesome it will be. And by awesome I mean god awful. Last week I showed you guys a scene from the film in which tensions run high at a photo shoot and Screech can't do push ups. In this trailer we see that many of the elements we love about the show will be there: the 90's fashion, Zack's big grey brick phone, the sexual tension between Lisa and Screech. I haven't been this excited about a crappy made for TV movie since Sharknado 2. OK, so that was only a couple of weeks ago but still. This film has everything. Comedy, romance, drama, and AC Slater's pecs. There really are no words for how excited I am.

Watch and tremble in terror.

Vanilla Ice Disapproves Of The New TMNT Rap

Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!

The great Vanilla Ice does not like the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Rap song. He famously flowed the original Ninja Rap in the 90's TMNT's second film. The new song is called Shell Shocked and was created by Wiz Khalifa, Juicy J and Ty Dolla $ign. It doesn't have the same fun feeling of the original. Vanilla Ice thinks that the whole thing is an affront to the entire history of the Ninja Turtles. He said at length,

“With respect to all of the artists, the song doesn’t really do it for me. It feels a little artificial—what I mean by that is that it sounds like a bunch of executives in the corporate world put it together. It really does not fit the theme of the Ninja Turtles legend. I think you have to understand, and be a true Ninja, to possess the Magic to really pull off the secret sound...You’ve got to understand the history and have a magical connection—a connection that’s tied in to the beginning of the turtles and all the way through their evolution. I would connect with it, and it wouldn’t be corporate. When I did the “Ninja Rap” I did that in my hotel room by myself with an SP-1200 drum machine. I did the whole thing there because I could see the turtles dancing there. It was all about dancing back in those times. Before, the turtles were not expected to dance. I actually got the turtles to dance in the movie.”

Well said, Mr. Ice. Watch the original masterpiece below.

Because It’s Badass: Private Ninja Lessons

Got $325 to spare? Then sign up for private ninja lessons. You won't regret it, especially when you find yourself in a precarious situation down the road with nothing but your ninja skills to save your ass.

The lessons are up for grabs on Cloud9living, with the listing specifying that your instructor was awarded the title of Shidoshi (or 'teacher of the warrior ways') back in 1991. You'll learn a bunch of not-as-fun-but-still-interesting stuff along the way (such as ninja history and philosophy) because getting into the nitty gritty of the ninja ways of self defense and combat strategy.

Check It Out: $325

YOLO Added To Oxford English Dictionary

The English language is officially dead. The word YOLO, which stands for you only live once, has been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. This particular dictionary is considered to be the defining tome of proper English. The term was popularized by Canadian rapper and teen soap opera star Drake in one of his crappy songs. Other words that have been added include Binge-Watching, Clickbait, Adorbs, and Tech-Savvy. All of these are dumb, of course. All of them are a stake in the heart of the language of Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Tom Clancy. But for some reason YOLO is the one that really gets under my skin. It's such a moronic word, an acronym really. I also don't like the connotation in it, the philosophy behind it. While I agree that we only live once, (unless you're Hindu), I don't think that gives you carte blanche to do whatever you want. Our existential reality isn't a ticket to hedonism.

But maybe that's what we've come to. If our language is subject to the whims of crappy Canadian pop stars then maybe we should all just drink ourselves stupid on syxerp or 'nac or whatever to drown out the empty hole in our souls.

The Muppets Sing The Beastie Boys

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When I was in high school there were two things I was obsessed with two things: The Muppets and The Beastie Boys. I was a strange teenager, OK. The Muppets have been a life long passion of mine, so much so that I spend a lot of my time doing puppetry. The Beastie Boys are still one of my favorite groups. When MCA died a couple of years ago I was broken up like I knew him. So, when some genius mashed up The Beastie Boys' classic song So Wat'cha Want with The Muppets, it made me very happy. It seems like a no brainer. Like, why did no one think of it before?