Nintendo Hires Bowser As New VP

In the pantheon of Nintendo’s storied past there are few villains as loved and hated as Bowser. Ever since the first Mario Brothers game way back in the 80′s, we’ve enjoyed the antics of the fire-breathing turtle-dinosaur. He was even played by the great Dennis Hopper in the catastrophically bad Mario Bros. movie. But he is an agent of chaos that does nothing but cause trouble. That’s why it is a little baffling why Nintendo would hire Bowser as their VP overseeing U.S. sales. He’s going by the name of Doug Bowser and claims he is an executive with decades of experience having previously worked at EA. But I’m not buying it. I know for a fact that Bowser can take different shapes. He’s a master of disguise which is really surprising since he’s a giant turtle. So, maybe this guy is just an executive with an unfortunate game.

Or maybe he’s a monster that is going to start throwing bullet bills at people in the Nintendo Store on 5th ave in New York.

2016 Presidential Race Starts With Hilary Clinton Porn Parody

It’s over a year away but the 2016 presidential race is already starting. Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Independent, or you just don’t care one thing is for sure, it’s all we’re going to friggin’ hear about for the next year and a half. It’s relentless. But there is a new tradition that started back in 2008 when Sarah Palin was running for the Republican nomination and that is the porn parody. It was a HUGE hit. But why should the Republicans be the only ones that get spoofed by having porn actors dressed as them doing it? Luckily, there is the new Hilary Clinton porn parody starring legend Nina Hartley. She explains how she approached the character by saying,

“I’m not a trained actress, but I’ve been making adult films for 31 years. I’ve gotten to an age where I’m playing authority figures by default. She’s a powerful figure married to another powerful figure so she’s ripe for caricature…I play her very in charge, a tad bossy, without veering to emasculation, but she is able to articulate what she wants. I do have sex fantasies about her. I imagine she’s bisexual and that she’s deeply passionate.”

I think it’s great to have our politicians be spoofed whether it be through satire like SNL or people bumping uglies. It keeps them honest.

Peter Dinklage Sings About “Game Of Thrones” Dead Characters

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I always felt that I had a reasonably good idea about what was going to happen on Game of Thrones since I read the books. I knew how and who was going to die. It gave me a sort of smugness and self-absurdness. No matter what I knew that so and so was still alive in the books. All that is out the window now. The show has gone rogue. There are characters being killed off that are not dead in the books. I’m sure the producers have their reasons as far as telling the story arch they want to tell. But it now fills me with anxiety. I’m in the same boat as everyone who didn’t have the patience to sit and read Martin’s lengthy tomes.

But one character I am almost sure will make it to whatever the end game of the story is going to be is Tyrion Lannister as played by Peter Dinklage. One can’t be sure about these things but that would be really stupid. So, here is Peter Dinklage singing about all the folks who have died along the way while he remains alive.

Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: “Big Trouble In Little China”

Oh, What Is That? Don't Tell Me!

When you are young, there are movies that you just love. Films that you watch over and over again until your parents want to kill themselves. For me, one of those movies was Big Trouble in Little China. A lot of times you look back at these films as an adult and think, “Why the hell did I like that stupid movie so much?”. This is not how I feel about Big Trouble. This movie is solid awesomeness from beginning to end. The only difference between my feelings for the movie now is that today I know it’s not a “good” movie. It’s extremely silly, kind of stereotypical, and unbelievably asinine. And yet, every time it comes on TBS I watch it, because it’s perfection.

Big Trouble tells the tale of a trucker named Jack Burton that has…well…Big Trouble in Little China. Jack is played with scene chewing bravado by Kurt Russell. Jack runs into his buddy Wang who is about to be reunited with his girlfriend Miao Yin, a Chinese girl with green eyes. Too bad that the evil David Lo Pan kidnaps her first! Jack and Wang then find themselves in the middle of a war between rival sorcerers and magic types. They must do battle with the three storms, one of which is basically Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Lo Pan is an ancient demon guy that long ago was cursed with eternal life in rotting flesh. With Miao Yin’s blood he can become mortal again or something. While Jack tries to solve this mystery he runs into Kim Cattrall back when she was hot. She too gets herself kidnapped by Lo Pan to use in the black magic thing he’s doing. Jack and Wang then storm Lo Pan’s evil headquarters with good wizard Egg Shen. Wackiness ensues with lots of karate and stuff. Jack defeats Lo Pan, gets paid, and hits the road in his truck the Porkchop Express. Epic.

The script, by W.D Richter, is goofy as f&*k. This is possibly due to the fact that originally it was envisioned as a western and had to be extensively rewritten. Director John Carpenter brings his eye for horror/sci-fi humor with his tongue firmly implanted in cheek. In the hands of a lesser director, this ridiculous movie would be completely unwatchable. But Carpenter understands the line between “so bad it’s good” and just bad. The movie has been criticized for its portrayal of the Chinese and Chinatown. OK, I’ll give you that. It’s like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in that way. Yes, it’s kind of stereotypical but back then it was acceptable. The times have changed, what can I say. At the time of its release the movie bombed. But repeated showings for years on basic cable have turned it into a cult classic. Big Trouble stands up as a true marvel of 80′s cheesy action.

Mustache Implants Are The New Boob Job

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Middle Eastern men are lining up by the thousands to get mustache transplants. It’s become so popular that some plastic surgeons in Turkey claim to do more mustache transplants than boob jobs, (we do not approve). Why? In the Middle East mustaches are seen as signs of virility and manliness. Many of the region’s leaders like Saddam Hussein or Anwar Sadat sported lip fur. I imagine that not being able to grow a ‘stache in the Middle East might be seen as embarrassing or even shameful. What if all you can manage is a thin and pathetic white trash ‘stache? The implants work much like hair plugs. The doctor takes hair from an area where you are hairy and embeds the follicles above your upper lip. I bet hairless hipsters from Williamsburg/Austin/Portland/Silver Lake will be flying to Turkey to get the full Magnum P.I.

Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Left Behind

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Back in the mists of time known as the 90′s, a Christian fiction book series came out that transcended the genre to become an international bestseller. That was the Left Behind series which tells a fictionalized version of what many Evangelical Christians believe is what is about to happen to hasten the end of the world and the second coming of Christ. They were already made into a series of low budget schlock-filled films starring the one and only Kirk Cameron. They are bad, REAL bad. Now imagine that you took only the beginning of the books, before all the fun Anti-Christ stuff, and added Nicholas Cage. Yeah.

Nick Cage plays Nick Cage as a pilot who is flying a plane when the rapture happens. He reacts in his usual calm and collected manner as he and reporter Handsome Chiseledchin…er…Chad Michael Murray try to calm the passengers who are freaking out because, you know, the rapture. Mini Me is also there for some reason. Meanwhile, his estranged daughter back on Earth deals with her mom and brother having been taken up in the rapture. She realizes that her mom was right all along and that she effed up in rejecting Christ. Whoops! Then it’s up to her for some reason to help her dad Nick Cage to land the plane. He crashes it but no one gets hurt and then the movie ends.

Honestly, I saw both versions of Left Behind and as crappy as it was I have to say that the Kirk Cameron version was better. Though it had considerably less of a budget the storytelling was much clearer, it was a lot more exciting, and I think did a better job of entertaining as well as getting the obvious message across. You know you have problems when Kirk Cameron makes you look bad.

Scientists Create Dino-Chicken/Hasten Our Doom

We all know that dinosaurs have more in common with modern birds than they do with reptiles. Some scientists even believe that dinosaurs sported feathers rather than scales and fur. But 65 million years ago Jesus rode down on an asteroid or whatever and wiped the dinosaurs out. The survivors slowly evolved into that pigeon that stole your sandwich in Madison Square Park. But scientists, being the scamps that they are, decided to mess with the DNA of a modern chicken by seeing if with a few genetic switcheroos they could make it grow the face of a dinosaur. And guess what? It EFFING DID. The dinochicken looks most like a FRIGGIN’ VELOCIRAPTOR. You know, the incredibly intelligent killers from Jurassic Park. Yeah.

The purpose of the experiment was to see how the beak evolved from the dinosaur snout. But we all know that the military or KFC is going to take over this experiment and create an army of dinochickens. The way I see it we have a mixture scenario as Hitchcock’s The Birds and Jurassic Park. Whatever it is it won’t be pretty. And by not pretty I mean that our entrails will be ripped out with their sharp beak-teeth.