My second favorite Muppet of all time is Rowlf the Dog. He started his carrier in the early 60’s as Jimmy Dean’s sidekick on The Jimmy Dean Show before he started shilling sausage. He went on to do several commercials and industrials before becoming the piano playing leader of the Muppet Show band. He is amazing…you know…for a fake dog made of fur and felt. In this video some genius took the Biz Markie classic “Just a Friend” and edited it with footage of Rowlf. Biz’s cautionary tale of what happens when a girl spends all his time with another dude is one of the best songs ever. Like, ever ever. So, this is naturally one of the best videos ever.
A few years ago KFC, those heroes of American gastronomy, brought us the Double Down. If you’ve never had this culinary masterpiece it is a sandwich in which the bread is two fried chicken patties with cheese and bacon inside. It’s what you eat when you’ve hit rock bottom and hate yourself. Well, now KFC has double downed on the Double Down, (see what I did there?). They have shaped the chicken into a hotdog bun shape in spite of the will of God and put a hot dog wiener in it. It is called The Double Down Dog. This thing will fill you with dread and stop you up for a month. Your colon will hate you forever.
We live in the greatest country on Earth. We have the freedom to do whatever we want with our bodies, even if that is in the form of a meat bomb like the Double Down Dog. The horror…the horror…
Groupon is a virtual toy box of perversion. It isn’t just coupons for restaurants and other discounts on there. Have you been to the “goods” section? It’s all vibrators, pocket vaginas, dildos, and sex swings. So, it came as no surprise to me when I saw the Unisex Cozy Plush Animal Bodysuits. Now, I know that they claim that they are just cozy bathrobe-type things. The site states,
“Whimsical hooded bodysuits in styles including cows and skeletons have a cozy design that makes them ideal for lounging or sleeping.”
Yeah, right. We all know that this is for plushy/furry sex or “yiffing”. You can just stuff the owl suit in your backpack and go to work easily and then, after work, make your way over to the motel by the jr. high and bump cloth covered uglies with other freaks. I’m on to you. Get it here.
I travel a lot and one of my favorite things to do when I first settle into my seat on the plane is look at the SkyMall catalog. This litany of weird and wonderful products that no one needs always puts a smile on my face. I can’t say as I’ve ever actually ordered anything from the Skymall catalog but I enjoy it none the less. So, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you, dear reader, that Skymall has declared bankruptcy. I guess there just aren’t enough gullible people like my mom that see some bizarre gadget or time saving device, take the catalog home with them, and order said product. As of now they are selling all their assets and hope that someone scoops up the name and continues to sell Lord of the Ring’s memorabilia and inflatable palm trees.
It truly is the end of an era. What will I read on the plane between when they tell me to turn off my electronic device and when I can use it again? The in-flight magazine? No one cares about that crap.
Have you ever wondered where dildos and sex toys come from? Like, that there is an entire industry that is based on the manufacture and sale of sexy sex toys? “Gee whiz Timmy, what does your mom do?” said the inquisitive boy. “Well, my mom makes Black Stallion Bum Ticklers at a dildo factory in West Hollywood,” says dozens of boys and girls whose parents work at just this one factory. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. Like most things that seem titillating on the outside, I imagine making dildos is just humdrum repetitive work. The first two or three days you probably giggle at the butt plugs and large dongers but then it just becomes another job, another way to earn a living.
Still, if you’ve ever wondered how you make rubber dongs, this video is for you.
The last few years has seen the rise of the subculture known as Bronies, grown ass men who are obsessed to My Little Pony. I remember when I was a kid an My Little Pony was first popular that my cousins and I would steal girl’s tiny pink horses and melt them on the bar-b-q grill. But I guess the men of today are different and they see something sexually appealing in cartoon horses. The only problem is…well…not the only problem, but one of the problems is that it is hard to make sweet love to those little dolls. That’s where the Chinese genius for sex dolls come in. Without the help or permission of Hasbro, the makers of My Little Pony, they made a 5f 9in sexy inflatable My Little Pony doll for the explicit purpose of being used for sick sex.
Now, I try not to judge people for their sexual proclivities. As long as it is between two consenting adults and no one gets hurt it’s OK…I mean…OKish at least.
I remember that back when I was in high school I did a book report on the Holocaust for history class. It really taught me a lot I didn’t know and brought out a lot of emotions in me as a person and a Jew. I wrote a conventional report which was, I guess boring. An English kid named John Denno thought that he would instead show key moments in the history of Nazi Germany and the Holocaust with Legos. Yeah, the little brick toys. The work received praise from the Simon Wiesenthal center, no small feat. Some people might think that it is trivializing the Shoah by using toys. I mean, the picture below of the liberation of the death camps and an Auschwitz built out of Legos is skirting the realm of bad taste, but if it teaches people about this crucial event in world history I guess it’s OK. But that’s not what I thought about when I saw this.
When the Oscar nominations came out last week there was a lot of controversy that The Lego Movie was not nominated for Best Animated Feature. I agree, it’s a crime. But the makers of The Lego Movie could take a cue from this kid and ensure that the sequel will get a nomination: make it a Lego Holocaust movie. Movies about the Holocaust are Oscar catnip. As Ricky Gervais famously showed in Extras all that Kate Winslet needed to do to win an Oscar was do a Holocaust movie. And you know what? He was right. I mean, I’m not volunteering to direct because I might get excommunicated like Baruch Spinoza if I did but maybe a worse Jew than me could do it.