Humor

Weird Crap Sold On Coupon Sites: Vibrating Panties With Wireless Remote Control

You know when you come home late from work after a long hard day and you just want to relax at home. You slip out of your work clothes and slip on a pair of vibrating panties. Then you power up the remote control, because manually operating underwear is for suckers, and you turn it to 11. No? You don't know what that's like? Well, then obviously you don't own a pair of Vibrating Panties with Wireless Remote Control. Lucky for you they are available here on Groupon. The product description says,

"Low-rise thong’s hidden, whisper-quiet micro bullet discreetly stimulates wearers with 20 pulsation patterns, such as flutter and throb."

My question is whether or not you need 20 different pulsation patterns. Who has time to go through that many permutations of vibration to find one you like? I also think it's a bad idea to have this underwear on and leave the remote laying around. Then your roommate comes home and goes to turn on Glee or whatever and ZAP right to the crotch. Think people.

GWAR Sings The Pet Shop Boys

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It is a fact that GWAR is the greatest band to ever come from outer space with a vagina monster in their show. In the past year we were all saddened by the untimely death of their leader Oderus Urungus. But the show must go on and GWAR has a new singer in Blóthar.  Oderus' platform skull boots are hard shoes to fill but if this video is any sign it looks like we can look at many more years of being doused with fake sperm. In this video, the group sings the Pet Shop Boys classic "West End Girls" because...why not? They then transition into the Jim Carroll’s classic “People Who Died" in which they change the lyrics to mention Oderus and Dimebag Darryl from Pan-effing-Tera. I've...I've got something in my eye...

Sexy Ebola Nurse Costume?

The outbreak of the Ebola virus has devastated large swaths of West Africa. Over 4000 people have died. Now the disease has reached our shores, though the possibility of it spreading to the general population is very remote it is still pretty scary. All of this coincided with the coming of Halloween. It was inevitable that there would be Ebola doctor hazmat suits as Halloween costumes. But a sexy Ebola nurse? Why yes! After all, we know that women must be "sexy ___" and not just "___". Forget for a second that since large sections of the costume are missing that they would be poor protection against the virus. But I guess that's not the point is it. Some would say that this is in bad taste. Those people would be right.

I've come to believe that Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday, now brings out the worst in us as a species. I hope anyone that wears this doesn't think it will protect against anything.

Darth Vader Runs For Office In The Ukraine

I find your lack of faith disturbing...

The Ukraine has been in the news a lot in the past year over separatist movements and the Russians menacing the borders. It's no surprise seeing as the Ukraine has been politically unstable for years. Luckily, one cyborg has risen to rule the Ukraine with a black leather clad robotic fist. Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, ran for public office in the Ukraine. Vader showed up with stormtroopers and blared the Imperial March from a large truck. But, as a sign of the political corruption of the state and voting system, he was not allowed to vote when he showed up at the polling station. They told him that he had to remove his mask but we all know that taking off his helmet would kill him. Who is some schmuck at a polling station to ask Lord Vader to remove his mask?

He did not win a seat in parliament. I can't understand why. I would vote for Darth Vader. It can't be any worse than the chuckleheads they have as politicians in the Ukraine.

Brad Pitt On “Between Two Ferns” Is Everything.

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I have a love hate relationship with Brad Pitt. On the one hand he's starred in some of my favorite movies like Fight Club, Inglorious Basterds, and 12 Monkeys but on the other he looks like such a smug chode. Part of this is no doubt due to him marrying a woman who is so full of herself that she'll break her neck to sniff her own ass. I can forgive him his early work in A River Runs Through It and other such nonsense but I can't reconcile my love of Tyler Durden with my utter disgust at his stupid face at awards shows. That's why I enjoyed Zach Galifianakis taking him down a few notches on Between Two Ferns. I know it's all a big joke but in my head I like to think that he felt a little bit of the sting that Zach was dishing.

Also this video has Louis CK and that's always good.

Worst Places To Be During The Zombocalypse

It is a fact that the zombocalypse is coming. Sorry, but it's true. The Walking Dead is practically a prophetic documentary. But some places will be safe than others when avoiding the undead. Real estate website Trulia calculated where are the worse places to be when the zombocalypse happens. It's not surprising that the biggest cities will be the worst hit. The more densely populated the worse it will be. The #1 worst place to be in Honolulu because of the dense population and horrible traffic. Where I live, in New York City, will be the second worse hit. That's not a surprise either. A zombie gets on with you on the 6 train and you will be eating brains within the hour. The best you can hope for is that you are visiting the countryside when the virus hits.

The truth is that there is nothing you can really do about it. Eventually, the zombies will kill 100% of the population. All you can hope for is to survive a little while. As for me, I'll just let them turn my into a zombie. I don't want to live in some kid of post-apocalyptic craphole. Let me die in peace until I rot from shuffling around looking for delicious brains.

“Mike Tyson Mysteries” Might Be The Best Show Ever

That's Riderkuloos

Who is the greatest entertainer of all time? Elvis? Sinatra? No, it's Mike Tyson. He can hit people really hard, he can do a one man show on Broadway, or "act" in movies. Mostly as himself but whatever. Adult Swim decided to capitalize on his irresistible charm by creating Mike Tyson Mysteries. The show revolves around Iron Mike solving crimes and spooky goings-on with a ragtag team. They include the ghost of the Marquess of Queensbury, (who invented the modern rules of boxing), a wisecracking pigeon, and his Asian adopted daughter. It's drawn in the style of Scooby Doo or other 60's-70's era Hanna-Barbera cartoons. I am not only going to watch this show, I'm going to make it the epicenter of my entire life's schedule.

Finally, Adult Swim puts on a show that you can enjoy without being completely and totally high as F. Watch an additional trailer here.