Video Games

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Resident Evil 2

Where do you go after Resident Evil? It was the game that gave birth to survival horror, freaky-ass mutant baby with six asses as it was. Capcom’s 1996 classic needed a great follow up. More monsters lurking in dingy corridors, more dogs suddenly careening through windows to make you foul yourself. More nonsensical freaking puzzles with cranks.

So, where do you go? The same damn place a couple months into the future, that’s where. It’s not exactly far-flung, but it’ll do. Hold on to your gonads, Resident Evil 2 is coming at you.
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Behold the Spangly New Cutscenes of the Revamped ‘Halo 2’ (VIDEO)

Halo 2 Anniversary
But what about that freaking cliffhanger?

If you know your Halotastic, you’re surely aware of the upcoming Master Chief Collection. This Xbox One exclusive will bundle the four main series titles in a fancy-ass package, and is one that many of us are rabidly anticipating. Some fans have actually contracted rabies just thinking about it. That’s some freaking enthusiasm, right there.

Now, HDification doesn’t always mean much. Recently, everything from Final Fantasy to Gears of War has done it. We’ve had Ultimate Editions and remasters and such coming out of our asses. Sometimes, as with Blu Rays, you can’t damn well tell what’s changed.

But no so here. Take off your cynical hat, put your pants back on and take a look at Halo 2. This is the Anniversary edition, for the game’s tenth birthday, and here’s the first cinematic we’ve seen from it. Check it out, in all its dramatically-prettyfied glory.

Big ol’ exploding spaceships, questionable eyebrows and inhuman sons of bitches have never looked so good.

‘Tekken 7’ Promises Answers, More Happy Funtimes With the Devil Gene

Tekken, as we know, is quite the gaming stalwart. This ol’ bastard has been going strong since 1994, bringing us craptastic hairstyles (that's you, right there, Paul and Heihachi) and a heaping helping of punchy violence. Two decades’ worth of it.

Much of that time has been consumed by intrigue and freakin’ crazy plotlines, Generally pertaining to the 'Devil Gene.’ This genetic weirdery causes members of the Mishima bloodline to transform into angry winged mofos on occasion; all lasers-from-the-eyes and furious bloodlust and all of that fun stuff. It’s one way to liven up a Monday morning, anyway.

The upcoming Tekken 7 will apparently bring an end to all of this melodrama. Kotaku reports that series producer Katsuo Harada was at Comic-Con, and revealed that:
“Along with divulging that the Mishima family drama will be resolved in Tekken 7, Harada also said that plot points from past Tekken games will be explained as well. He also said that Tekken 7 will be featuring the design work of seven guest artists, including Bayonetta stylist Mari Shimazaki and Yusuke Kozaki of Fire Emblem Awakening fame.”

Intriguing. Looks as though the game will have quite the compelling story for series veterans. Possibly some cleavage-accentuating outfits for someone too (c’mon, Heihachi!), judging by that Bayonetta reference.

Via Kotaku.

In Honor of ‘Alien: Isolation,’ Sigourney Weaver and Co Remember How Badass ‘Alien’ Was (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation- Cast Talk
Yep, this guy's back. Spoiler: he's still pissed.

And, y’know, still is. As though that needed clarifying.

So, yes. You may have heard that Alien: Isolation pledges to be true to its movieland roots. You may also excuse us for saying: BS. How many times have we heard that in the past, only to be presented with a big ol’ steaming turd come launch? Licensed games don’t have a craptacular reputation for nothing.

But wait! Let’s not don our cynical hats and start bitching just yet. This could --could-- be an exception, right here.

Isolation, the upcoming survival horror from The Creative Assembly, really does have authenticity on its side. We’ve seen the special edition DLC, which will bring bonus missions you play as Ripley, Parker or Dallas themselves. They’ll be voiced by the original actors, looking a little droopier and wrinklier than they did in 1979 (who the hell doesn’t?) but still as badass as ever.

Here’s Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt and the others featured, discussing just how important the game will be to the world they remember.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Playing ‘Doom’ at the Top of a Freaking Mountain, Just Because (VIDEO)

Whacked- Mountain LAN Party
Only the second-highest mountain in the US? Ah, it'll do.

Some things are just inherently manly. Die Hard movie marathons. Lumberjacks. The bravado of ignoring the instructions and attempting to assemble that cabinet yourself, because it’s effing simple and you know what you’re doing.

When the drawers don’t close properly and a stray nail jabs you in the ass as you pass by, it’s not even slightly your fault. Manufacturing error, right there.

Anywho, in the case of games, Doom is as man-tastic as it gets. After all, to descend into Hell’s anus armed only with a pistol, you need gonads the size of Jupiter. So, how do we reach the very pinnacle of manliness? We take Doom on a death-defying romp up a goddamn mountain, that’s how.

Behold Tek Syndicate, and their record-breaking 'highest altitude LAN party ever' atop Mount Elbert. It was pretty half-assed with regards to battery life, as Mother Nature hasn’t got her shit together and fitted her mountains with power outlets yet, but still. One thing’s for sure, this is the most fancy-ass tech you’ll see on a mountainside today. That’s an Ego-guarantee.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: Resident Evil 4‘s Ashley, Gaming’s Biggest Pain in the Butt

As we all know damn well, women aren’t meek damsels in distress. They don’t cry for studly dudes to rescue them from the top of dodgy towers. There are no poisoned apples or wicked witches, because our fine ladyfolk don’t have time for any of that BS. Not in real life.

If Bowser attempted to kidnap Peach in reality, she’d mace him and/or kick him right in the big ol’ green mansack. Because women are utter badasses who will not and cannot be stopped. They could kick our asses, that’s for damn sure.

Which begs the question: why is Ashley so effing effingly effing useless?
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Xbox One Commercial Brings ‘the Best Games of the Year’ and a Little Badassery from Rocky Balboa (VIDEO)

Xbox One Best Games
That's how winnin' is done!

Now, in the battle of the successtastic, PS4 has the edge over Xbox One. In terms of, as Wyclef Jean would probably tell you, dollar dollar bills yo. (Read: sales.) You know that, we know that and grandma knows that. As, it seems, do Microsoft themselves.

And here’s the House of Xbox themselves, with a big ol’ middle finger to the whole situation. The theme of today’s commercial is 'nope, we’re not effed yet.'

Who embodies that spirit better than Rocky? Nobody, that’s who. Here he is, passing on those inspirational words to his son (It ain’t about how hard you hit...) against a backdrop of Xbox One’s best upcoming releases. Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Sunset Overdrive, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and Assassin’s Creed Unity are featured in the brief clip.

This was a great concept, right here. We won’t even be pernickety and bitch that half of those aren’t strictly Xbox One games at all.