Video Games

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Ikaruga

If you’re well-versed in the gamertastic, you’ll know one thing: Treasure are the masters of effing incredible shooters. Whether it’s cult classic Gunstar Heroes or the balls out, look-at-me-I’m-a-freakish-bird-dude-in-a-spacesuit-with-a-laser madness of Alien Soldier, you can’t argue with this stuff.

These guys have essentially made the genre their bitch. You need a delicate balance of pulsing soundtrack, compelling gameplay, unique hook and/or scoring system, bullets-amundo and a shitstorm of lighting effects to get this right, and these bastards have nailed it.
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Man, ‘Sims 4’ Modders Sure Like Their Sim-Cooches and Sim-Wangs

Now, as every ogling gentleman knows, there’s a good time and a bad time to get your leer on. When your wife’s in the vicinity, and isn’t the leer-ee, that’s the wrong damn time. Remember: formidable ogling powers were bestowed upon us, and we have to use them with care. As Spider-Man’s uncle said, with great power comes great responsibility.

So don’t, for eff’s sake, ogle your Sims. That’s like the anti-ogling. Don’t spend mod-tastic hours lovingly crafting pubes for them, or perfecting the size and coloring of a Sim-lady’s areolae. That way lies Crazy Town.

But it’s just another day in the wacky world of PC game modding. Whether it’s about a fetish for inch-high digi-people, or they just think that blurry shower pixel thing looks like shit (which it does), this is a real thing that’s happened. Games getting the nekkid treatment are rife, but the series has never put quite this much effort into the spectacle before.

Presumably, it was a slow news day over on Kotaku. They’ve treated us to a in-depth study of all things Sims-genitalia based. You don’t want to click that link, but it’s there. Just for those sticklers who know you can’t call character customization ‘comprehensive’ until you can choose the exact shade of your gal/guy’s nipples.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Hits us With Both Barrels of Launch Trailertastic (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare 3
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We don’t even make it ten seconds into this trailer before Kevin Spacey announces, what you’re seeing is... advanced warfare. That’s just the kind of tone-setting badassery we’re dealing with here.

And damn right it is. The game’s November 4 release marks the culmination of many months of hyping and preorder wrangling, so it’s time to shine now. It’s time to pummel us with blurbs like transcends the line between game and film and reinventing Call of Duty multiplayer in a profound way.

Sure, they’re the same blurbs from last time, but there weren’t quite so many studly dudes bellowing or helicopters on effing fire then. We’re getting serious now, so put your pants back on and pay attention.

There’s a little gameplay, a dash of futuristic melodrama, and more explosions than you can probably handle on a Monday morning. One thing’s for sure: Call of Duty’s back in style.

A Nice Little Dose of Homicidal Crazy-Ass From ‘Hatred,’ the Most Goretacular Game You Ever Saw (VIDEO)

Hatred Screenshot
He sure looks pissed.

I just effing hate this world, and the human worms feasting on its carcass.

It’s Friday morning, guy. It if were Monday, we’d agree with you, but... calm your undercrackers. This is a heavy one, gentlemen. Buckle up.

But hey. Hatred is not a game to calm its undercrackers. Those undercrackers will never be calmed, because this dude is pissed. with a capital P, I, S, S, E and D. Nothing is explained. We don’t know who, what, when, where or why, but we know one thing: this is more bullet-flailing violence than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s entire movie repertoire could muster. It’s kind of horrific.

Now, a little gore in movies and video games never hurt anybody. Whether it’s Call of Duty, Resident Evil, The Walking Dead or whatever you happen to be playing/watching, there will be deaths. Remember those Elvis impersonator dudes from GTA 2? Running them over en masse and getting the ‘Elvis has left the building’ message for doing so? Sure, we did it, and laughed like the cruel, cruel bastards we are. But this is something else, right here.

Your victims in Hatred aren’t enemies. They aren’t terrorists, mobsters or any other assholes who could use a good hatchet to the gonads. They’re just civilians, cruising about the street and begging for their lives as you mangle their bodies so badly they’ll find an eyeball on the other side of the highway.

As Destructoid reports, on the one hand, ‘according to the game's website, this seems to be some sort of rebuttal to the company's perceived political correctness in games nowadays.’ On the other, as they also report, it’s 'as effed up as they come.’ Think Postal, without the sense of humor.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Sure, ‘Smash Bros.’ is TOTALLY Like Having Sex

If there’s one thing the Internet has an ample supply of (not sexually-frustrated housewives wanting to show you their cooches in exchange for your credit card details, another thing), it’s dickish theories. The global freedom of the interwebs means that any dumbass with fingers can blog about whatever takes their fancy.

You know the sorts of things that kooks need to bring to the planet’s attention. The old classic ‘Martians stealing brainwaves’ talk on, that cat conspiracy to overthrow us and take over the world... it’s all there, and it’s all effing nuts.

But this? This is a step too far. This week, Destructoid’s Sup Holmes asks Is Smash Bros. Just Like Sex?

Now, we’re with you in the ‘slowly building up to an explosive, crazy-ass lightshow finale’ sense (well, if you’re having your sex right, that is). But elsewhere in Nintendo’s toontastic brawler, you’ll find all kinds of not sexy.

But it just goes to show, if you want something enough and your horny heart is pure, you can appreciate the sexiness in anything. It’s like one of those inspirational after school specials gone x-rated.

The Weekly WTF: The Boobs, Booze and Swearing Sheep of ‘Catherine’

Now, relationship troubles aren’t tackled much by video games. You want bullets flying around your ass and crazy arcade light shows, not some depressed guy whining that his wife hit him with her car again last night. Is that fun? It is not.

But still. Here in the land of the WTF, you never know when the crazy-ass is going to hit you. If Catherine wants to bring us relationship troubles with a crazy-ass twist, you can bet your balls that it’s going to bring us relationship troubles with a crazy-ass twist. All we can do is watch as a sheep repeatedly drops the f-bomb.
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The ‘GTA V’ Jet Plane Stunt Man Is Back (VIDEO)

Grand Theft Auto V Plane Stunt
Color us impressed.

My Grand Theft Auto V piloting experiences aren’t the best. I’d just dick about by flying as high as possible and then parachuting out, watching as my multi-million-dollar ride explodes in a ball of fiery failure far below. Either that, or I’d be minding my own business cruising at 30,000 feet and some unseen asshole blows my balls off with a missile. Damn you, EliteDeathSniperKillYourFace3812.

Anywho, yes. I’m about as inept a GTA pilot as I’d be in real life. Which is why I think we should all gather around the warm glowing warming glow of our PC/mobile device screens and admire this guy's antics.

Let’s not beat around the bush here: Mario4LYF3 (man is that a username you’d make at the age of eight and heartily regret) is the greatest daredevil since Evel Knievel. Well, almost. That mad bastard was risking his own non-virtual life, after all. But still, this is something, right here.

Upside down flight, effortlessly swerving around inside a tiny building... these feats are just beyond lesser men. Take a look.

Via Kotaku.