Yep, Sex is Far Too Sexy in ‘The Witcher 3′

The Witcher 3 Sex Scenes

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is probably the biggest release in recent gaming. A vast, sprawling open world adventure of fantastical and dragon-ish proportions, it’s a truly incredible prospect. I didn’t even know that a ‘dynamic beard growth system’ was a thing, but that’s in here too. That’s attention to detail, and to our main man Geralt.

The game is epic in all the right ways, a breathtaking world it’s almost daunting to contemplate. But more important than all of that BS, it’s a sexy, sexy place.

As Conan O’Brien found when his severe case of blue balls led him to romance a swamp hag in desperation, there’s a lot of sex to be had right here. And, natch, where there’s sex, there’s a seedy corner of the internet chronicling it all. Digital or not. It’s time for compilations of every Witcher 3 sex scene.

Video games, as a general rule, don’t do sex very well. Kratos’ awkward QTE thrusting with Aphrodite being a case in point. In this case, despite the great amount of genitalia tennis going on, there are a whole lot of animations being reused. So it’s all a little repetitive. Still, you can’t fault the game’s enthusiasm for all things erotic. Sexy undercrackers, brothels, unicorns, lighthouses… they’re all here.

Here, via Naughtygaming, are all the scenes you can experience in the brothel. You can also hit Kotaku for a full rundown of the game’s carnal delights. It’s a little spoilery and a lot boob-y.

Don’t Worry, Sony Knows The PS4 Lineup Sucks

PS4 Lineup

No-one’s really assed which of the next gen consoles you favor. It makes no odds whether you leave harsh, poorly-spelt diatribes on the Youtube videos of one or the other. Because, frankly, we’re all in the same boat of next-gen wankery.

For Xbox One and PS4 alike, there’s been a severe lack of exclusive games. Sure, such big-name ballbusters as Halo, Uncharted and such have been bandied about, but where are they? ‘TBA 2016,’ that’s where they are. Meanwhile, those of us lumbering about in the actual present, like the lowly cavepeople we are, want something to play.

As grandma always said, the next generation ain’t cheap, buddy boy. As such, we need some reason to take the plunge, a killer app or two. Dark Souls spiritual successor Bloodborne was the biggest of late, but they’re very few and far between on either console. As fancy-ass Sony execs themselves acknowledged at this week’s Investor Day conference.

‘Our first party lineup is a little sparse this year, so I think this places even greater emphasis on getting good third party support,’ quoth PlayStation President Andrew House. Sparse is one way of putting it, but it’s good to see these shortcomings being recognized. Maybe this will spur Sony on to bringing us that MediEvil 3 I’ve been waiting a decade for.

Well, no. No it won’t. But we’ll have to stay tuned and see what they pull out of their asses at next month’s E3.

Via IGN.

The Weekly WTF: Grand Theft Auto and the Super-Creepy ‘Heart of the City’

Grand Theft Auto Heart of the City

Grand Theft Auto, as we know, is the biggest and badassiest sandbox in video games. From the series’ early days in Liberty City and London, to the spangly new next-gen vision of Los Santos, there’s always so effing much to do. We’ve got easter eggs, hidden secrets and collectibles coming out of our asses right here.

I spent many happy hours ignoring missions in the second game, crushing those Elvis impersonators into spam in an ice cream truck as a jangly rendition of The Baby Elephant Walk played. And there aren’t many games that give you those kinds of options.

But anywho, on to today’s little slice of WTF. Prepare for the ‘heart of the city,’ perhaps the weirdest hidden secret in franchise history.

This ungodly… thing appears in GTA IV. The Statue of Happiness is disturbing enough as it is with that pervtastic grin, but it’s the inside you have to worry about. You probably know that you can access the statue by more adventurous means, and climb the steps in true Statue of Liberty fashion. But in this case, you shouldn’t. You really effing shouldn’t.

StatueofHappiness-GTA4-statue'sface

Somewhere in the depths of the building, you’ll see a sign insisting that there’s ‘no hidden content this way.’ Natch, this is some elaborate deception we’re dealing with, but if you’re cunning enough to see through that and press on anyway, you’re in for a shock.

A giant goddamn heart suspended by chains awaits, as Cracked reports, and it makes a deeply disturbing sound to boot. Just why the hell this is a thing, I can’t imagine, but it’s there. It’s also immune to any kind of damage; even though any Grand Theft Auto player’s first thought in this situation would be to try and kill it.

So, to sum up: I don’t know what in the name of holy balls this is all about. Is the statue alive? Is it sentient? Can it rise from the beach and freak out Charlton Heston as he realizes it was Earth all along? The world will never know, and that’s almost definitely for the best.

Nope, You’re Not Man Enough For the Game Boy XXL

Game Boy XXL

Modders, the mad, mad bastards that they are, can do some funky things with old consoles. Not for any specific reason, you understand. It’s all just a ‘hey, ma, look what I did’ attention seeking exercise. Did the world need a decrepit old NES console that can run Netflix? No, no it didn’t, but it has one now.

Then there’s Nintendo themselves. In a desperate grab at our collective cashtacular, they bust out remodel after remodel of their handhelds. The DS in particular went from a smaller ‘lite’ model to a larger XL, just to ensure everyone from dwarfs to 8 foot circus freaks can buy themselves a console to suit them.

Then there was that rather funky square-shaped Game Boy Advance, but we’re getting off topic. The point is, when crazy modders and Nintendo’s handheld remodel lust collide, this kind of thing happens. Meet the Game Boy XXL.

This monster is the work of Ilhan Ünal, Kotaku reports, and was built with a combination of an old 19” PC monitor, laser-cut MDF and the Raspberry Pi operating system. As I say, the whole ‘why’ thing doesn’t seem to matter here. Let’s just ogle his badass retro handiwork.

It’s functional, too; check it out getting its Tetris on back at the link above.

‘Resident Evil Zero’ Remaster to Hit Us With HD Skinless Gorillas

Resident Evil Zero

If anybody knows how to pimp out their success stories in the name of the almighty dollar, it’s Capcom. Just look at the company’s two biggest names, Street Fighter and Resident Evil. Apparently, if you stacked every different re-release of Street Fighter II (including, but not limited to, The New Challengers, Hyper, Ultra, Super and This-Time-It’s-Mothereffin’-Personal), they’d reach all the way to the moon and out to the planet Bastarding Cashgrab.

Resident Evil is no different. The seminal survival horror has had remakes and ports coming out of its ass since the original release in 1996. The Gamecube edition was perhaps the best remake of a game ever made, true enough, but that’s no excuse. There was also Resident Evil: Deadly Silence, a DS port featuring the brilliantly piss-takey first-person minigame Master of Knifing. That was worth the price of admission alone, right there.

But anywho, you’re surely aware of the recent next-gen re-release of the first game. It was hugely popular, which means only one thing: Capcom pumping out more of these mothers. Step forward, Resident Evil Zero HD.

Zero is a bit of an oddity. A Gamecube-exclusive prequel set two days before the events in the Spencer Mansion, it featured some fancy-ass co-op mechanics (dubbed ‘partner zapping’)and a whole freaking lot of leeches. If you’ve ever wanted to fight a huge creepy scorpion boss on a train, and you missed out the first time around, you’ll want to check this out on arrival in ‘early 2016.’

If you are one of those curious souls, take a quick ogle at the game in its original form, vintage 2002:

Via Destructoid.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: MediEvil 2

MediEvil2

If you’re already susceptible to being raised from the dead, it’s a safe bet that it’ll happen to you a couple more times. This is the principle that keeps mad bastards like Jason Voorhees coming back again and again and a-freaking-gain. After a while, they just stopped bothering trying to explain what resurrected him, just ‘in unknown circumstances’ was enough.

Skeleton knight Sir Daniel Fortesque died again at the end of MediEvil, having whupped Zarok in the scrote and fulfilled his destiny as hero. He was, true enough, dead for quite some time the second time around, until more dastardly and bastardly magic awoke him in the Victorian era. You see where this is going: it’s sequel time, buddy boy.

MediEvil 2 arrived in 2000, a PlayStation exclusive just like its papa. It’s a macabre action platformer not very far removed from the original, and is just as freaking awesome in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look.

The story kicks off 500 years after the events of the first game. Dan’s remains are on display in a museum in Merry Olde England, where Brit-tastic villain Lord Palethorn has found Zarok’s old book of magic spells. In what I can only imagine was a ‘#yolo’ moment, he decides to resurrect the dead of London, because that’s not a goddamn awful idea at all.

MediEvil2 b

So yep, zombies everywhere. But on the plus side, Dan gets up off his moldy ass as well as a side effect, and sets about dealing with this dastardly bastardly Palethorn.

If you played the first entry, you’ll know the deal. It’s a combat-centric platformer with some light puzzling going on, with a gothic-yet-humorous twist. Imagine Mario with swords, crossbows and axes, as created by Tim Burton, and you’re probably about there.

This time, the skeleton knight is cruising through the smog-ridden streets of Victorian London, with a steampunkish air to his weapons and gadgets. You’ve still got your standard fare from the original (yep, you’ll be ripping off your own arm to use as a club early on, like the unstoppable renegade from the depths of the devil’s ass you are), your sword and such, but then you can branch out a little. The primitive gatling gun in particular is a lot of fun.

MediEvil 2 changed very little from the first game. With regards to gameplay, interface and general gameishness, all’s really just as it was. There is that bizarre boxing minigame, and the love affair between Dan and an Egyptian mummy going on in the background, but otherwise this is just another slice of MediEvil in a different setting. But depending on how you slice it, that may not be anything to bitch about at all.

A Refrigerator Full of ‘Jurassic Park’ Games?

Jurassic Park Refrigerator

Yes indeed. A refrigerator. Full of SNES games. Just as it should be, natch. If you don’t keep your ol’ console cartridges in there with your spam and the super-masculine Dairylea Lunchables you take to work, what the hell’s the matter with you?

So, yes. The hypetastic for Jurassic World has been going on for far too damn long now. As the movie nears release, fans are surely exhausted by all the will-it-or-won’t-it-be-shit speculation. Beloved franchises returning after a long break is a tricksy business, and we don’t want our ol’ buddy Spielberg to pull a Jar Jar Binks on us.

But screw it, let’s be optimistic. Let’s be excited, and reminisce about the good old days of Jurassic Park. Not the movie, but the SNES tie-in which was miraculously badass. 300 copies of it, no less.

Could you possibly (effing possibly) think of a better use of $1500 than this? You bet your ass you couldn’t. But the deal is further sweetened by a couple other series games, including the Genesis edition which was also on the awesome side. I don’t know if that Bacardi is spoken for, but if that’s part of the package too then I’m sold.

I would be, in any case, if the eBay listing hadn’t (incredibly) already ended.

Via Kotaku.