What’s That, ‘GTA V’? Heists ARE Freaking Coming?

GTA Online- Heists

Were you there for the whole Grand Theft Auto V rollercoaster? Back when Online was first released last year, and was a horrifying buggy shitstorm that crashed and burned because the whole effing world was trying to play the same tutorial level simultaneously?

Then you’ll feel the pain of the GTA extremists. The renegade band of no-goodniks who broke into Rockstar HQ at 4am and shat on the desks because where are our damn heists?

They were among the biggest new features of the fifth game. An entirely new, multi-faceted sort of mission, offering payouts beyond anything the series has offered so far. For many of us, heists were one of the main draws of Grand Theft Auto Online. These are real criminal-mastermind-y tactical jobs, and the chance to try them out in co-op was what we all signed up for.

Since the game became more stable, it’s been unleashing more DLC content than you can shake your wang at. New content packs have brought us additional cars, weapons, missions and gear. Each of them has arrived with a lil’ footnote that heists are still ‘coming soon.’

And now, finally, they’re close enough to smell. Still TBA (early 2015), sure, but there’s a trailer now. Trailers, as we know, mean effing business. Check it out below, courtesy of IGN.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ DLC Hits us With Both Barrels of Celebtastic

Advanced Warfare- Exo Zombies

Well, y’know, depending on how highly you rate the fame-credentials of Bill Paxton, Rose McGowen, John Malkovich and Jon Bernthal. Pretty damn highly, really. One of these bastards was in Titanic, and that’s famous enough for me.

Bernthal, as we know, plays Shane Walsh in The Walking Dead. Which makes him an appropriate choice for this little exo zombie shitstorm.

Advanced Warfare’s first DLC installment, Havoc, is a familiar scene for any fan of the undead. ‘When ATLAS dropped the bomb, they hoped it would finish the war. Instead, it unleashed a freakshow like no one’s ever seen. No warning. No backup. No one left… but us,’ quoth the trailer above, channeling the spirit of Resident Evil nicely.

But these aren’t the zombies of yore. Screw that. There’s no drunken shuffling or howls about brains here. These festering effers have themselves some fancy-ass new exo suits of their own, and they’re not afraid to use them. And naturally, the turbo-charged undead are something we can all get on board with.

Check out the latest teaser, in all of its name-dropping glory.

Have Yourself A(nother) Merry Little ‘GTA V’ Christmas

Grand Theft Auto Holiday

Our ol’ buddies at Rockstar have always known how to do the holidays right.

Last year, the whole of Los Santos was enveloped by snow for a few days. Driving conditions ‘round Grand Theft Auto way were already treacherous enough, what with constant drive-bys and dickish players running down newbies in their tanks, but why not? It looked pretty damn cool.

If you’re going to spend the holdays anywhere, why not right here? Nothing says festive funtimes like crushing someone into highway-jerky with their own car and careening into the sunset with no effs given. So, Grand Theft Auto V, what do you have for us this Christmas?

Another seasonal selection of downloadable extras, naturally. It’s a similar deal to that Independence Day event they had, which offered cut-price explosives and other tools of destruction to all (just like our forefathers wanted). First up is two new weapons, courtesy of Ammunation: the homing launcher and the proximity mine.

If you’re in the market for something a little less deathtacular, why not an extra property? You can now own up to three, and they’ve thrown in a Christmas tree to decorate them with. There are also two big ol’ mothereffin’ beefy man-trucks to add to the vehicle roster, in the shape of the Vapid SlamVan and the Bravado Rat-Truck.

Then there’s the usual crop of clothing and accessory items. You know where they’re going with that. Hit Kotaku for footage of the new content in action.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Nintendo Wants to FREAKING KILL US This Holiday Season

Whacked- Wii Injury

As we know, the tabloids hate video games. Games are the cause of any and all of society’s ills. These guys have a field day when they hear that the latest ghastly-ass serial killer was a Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt player.

The recent furore over Hatred is proof enough. Tasteless murder-em-ups just can’t get a break.

You’d expect to find Nintendo at the opposite end of the spectrum. When was the last time you saw Mario with a hooker, or flipping off his boss, or throwing grandma under the wheels of a speeding SUV? Never, that’s when. These family-friendly funsters have no effing time for that sort of thing.

But that doesn’t stop them getting the shitty end of the press stick. When the 3DS was released, Merry Olde England’s newspapers couldn’t stop bitching about it. That 3D effect would melt your goddamn eyeballs, they promised. This week, we’re having a hyperbole-tastic holiday with a little more BS from the Daily Mail.

Nintendolife brings us this report from a British medical journal, which concludes that a Wii may –may– be a safe gift this Christmas (assuming that there’s anyone still buying the damn thing by this point). But you’ll have to take care, as ‘several life-threatening conditions can be triggered by your console.’ Hernias, incontinence and ‘Nintendo Neck’ after the jump.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Snatcher,’ the Manliest Christmas Game You Ever Saw

Snatcher Header

You know how it is with Christmas movies. They’re often of the flowery, namby-pamby, Lifetime TV-y variety. The Grinch’s heart suddenly grows three sizes, breaks that measuring device and he’s not an asshole any more. Everyone has a bit of a dance and there’s jangly music and all that sort of BS.

At no point do muscular dudes stride in and shoot seven shades of shit out of each other. There are very few terrorist plots for Bruce Willis or Sly Stallone to foil, and almost zero explosions. For shame. We are men, manly men with chest hair and everything, and we demand a little good ol’ fashioned violence in our movies.

Now, there’s Die Hard. And I seem to remember Arnold Schwarzenegger punching a freaking reindeer in the face in Jingle All the Way. But we’re not counting that one, because it’s balls. Which leaves our Christmas entertainment at… one movie. And, as it happens, one game. Gentlemen, meet Snatcher.

Weird-Ass Weirdery From Nintendo: Donut-Shaped Gaming Coming Our Way

Nintendo Donut

Ah, Nintendo. You crazy, crazy bastards.

Many of the industry’s more eccentric ideas came from these guys. Back when the DS was announced, a touchscreen handheld device was the kind of witchcraft that would’ve seen your ass burnt at the stake a century ago. Today, even freaking Grandma Egotastic has a stylus-pokeable smartphone, which just shows how ahead of the curve Nintendo are.

Not that it’s always worked out so well. The world was not ready for the migraine-inducing ballache that was the Virtual Boy. It was kinda sorta cool to thrust your actual goddamn face into that magical visor of three dimensions, but the seizures and eyeball-meltings soured the whole experience. Still, they tried.

But the question is, what in holy balls are they trying now?

The Japan Times brings news of a bizarre new deal between Sharp and the Big N. The former have been working on ‘advanced liquid crystal displays that can be shaped freely according to user demand,’ the report states. ‘Nintendo is considering creating a hole at the center of the display, making it doughnut-shaped.’

This is all we know for now, but it’s damn well interesting. After touch screens, visors, motion control and the Wii U tablet gamepad, I suppose donut-shaped gaming is just the next logical step. Could they have an even more crazy-ass console in development? We’ll have to wait and see.

The Japan Times
, via Kotaku.

More Holiday Gametastic from CoinOpTV: The Hottest Games of the Month

CoinOpTV- December 2014

The holiday season is a time for togetherness. For sharing and giving, and for seeing those assholes in the family who only appear once a year (and remembering why that’s the case). As such, it’s a good time for some communal gaming.

Or for getting your game on all on your lonesome, while your sister’s seventeen whining urchins are over and hopped up on chocolate. Whichever works for you.

Spending four hours explaining to great grandma how the controller works for Wii Sports. That first Game Boy you were given in 1991. For all of us in the Gamingverse, these memories can define this time of year. So, CoinOpTV, what should we be playing this holiday season?

December 2014 isn’t the most ball-busting month for video games. Depending on how desperate you are to bust out Captain Toad’s Treasure Trackers or some BS like that. Still, the pick of the crop is worth a perusal.

The first installment of the Game of Thrones game, Iron from Ice, has arrived, as has Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris. Then there’s The Crew, which has been dicking us around with its promise of drive-really-quite-fast-indeed action for some time now. Fancy-ass cars, boobtacular archaeologists, an extra little dose of Halo… what’s not to like?