It’s always beneficial, when you’re introducing the world to your latest console, to bring along a heavy-hitter or two. The mighty caliber of announcement that’ll leave the janitor cleaning attendee’s crap off the seats of Swanky Gaming Conference Room #4 for days to come. What did the Xbox One show have? The cashiest, cowiest cash cow of all, that’s what.
Call of Duty: Ghosts had a tantalizing reveal of its own, with Infinity Ward stating that the game’s DLC installments will be timed Xbox One exclusives (what with Microsoft still having their ballsacks in a vice and everything). Previously, as you may know, they favored us with a little PR bullshittery, pledging to offer ‘a riveting all-new gameplay experience built on an entirely new story, setting, and cast of characters, all powered by a new, next-generation Call of Duty engine that redefines the series for the next generation.’ (-IGN)
Which is all well and good, but what we really wanted was a trailer full of delicious eye candy for our... eyeballs to chew on. Chew away, gentlemen, because they gave us one of those too.
As the gaming-savvy among us are surely aware, yesterday saw Microsoft throw down their own glossy black next generation gauntlet. Mere months after Sony’s wang-waving event, the much-ballyhooed new Xbox has finally been revealed. The speculation-o-tron can stop suggesting such names as ‘720’ or ‘1080’ or anything else that brings nut-numbingly difficult skateboarding tricks to mind, as the console has been officially dubbed the Xbox One.
In a deft little PR move, this name gives Bill’s boys the opportunity to prattle on about their shiny new wonderbox’s multimedia capacities (All your entertainment... All in One and other such slogan-ing), which are introduced to us in the above clip. As a bonus, it also provides what Sony couldn’t: a decent goddamn look at the thing.
Take a look, and ponder just what in the name of holy hell games that feel like real life could possibly mean.
Even a half-assed, casual perusal-squint at rottentomatoes shows that no-one has got their shit together and conclusively proved whether Star Trek Into Darkness bites or not. Sure, the site’s consensus is that the movie is ‘visually spectacular and suitably action packed... a rock-solid installment in the venerable sci-fi franchise,’ and it has garnered an almost 90% approval rating from filmgoers and critics alike. You’d think that would suffice to send anyone that even registers faint stirrings on the nerd-o-meter to theaters; clutching their popcorn like an extortionately-priced sugary lifeline and making disparaging remarks about casting choices, continuity errors and departures from ‘what Star Trek really is.’
Nonetheless, there are always a few bastard party poopers poised to exclaim, Not so fast, buddy boy! Stop with your goddamn liking of things! This movie is like a train wreck upon an explosion at a nuclear disposal facility upon a meteor striking the Earth! The bugbear, it seems, is that the series was more of a subtle, character-driven affair, while J.J Abrams is bringing us a balls-out actiontacular summer blockbuster. Presumably, the amount of shits you have to give about this situation determines your enjoyment, or otherwise, of Star Trek Into Darkness.
Some things, though, need to be kept simple. We’re happy to report that one such thing is Star Trek the video game, released a month or so ago by Digital Extremes. There’s no such disparity here; this is confirmed by ACTUAL SCIENCE to be a digital heap of unholy horsecrap.
Image source: www.getsomegrapesoda.com
Every gamer in the cosmos surely got the memo that all games-of-the-film/TV series will be dire, and here’s another instance. What we have right here is a scrote-shrivelingly tedious, identikit me too shooter, a co-op action caper in which you and another unfortunate soul play as Spock and Kirk (“Did we mention that you play as Spock and Kirk? If that doesn’t sell this ballache, what the hell will,” as the developers themselves were -certainly not- heard to state in a recent interview).
There is a little interest to be had: Spock specializes in the Vulcan nerve pinch and other stealthy shenanigans, while Kirk opts for a more Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Predator guntacular approach. What they forgot, though, in their zeal-iness to make shitloads of unscrupulous cash from a license, was to check whether the damn game sucked and/or even functioned correctly. The result was the bug-ridden, farcical mess you see below:
In case you missed it, there's an Assasin's Creed movie coming out. Gaming powerhouse Ubisoft announced way back in October 2012 that it would work with 20th Century Fox and New Regency to make the film.
Since then, we learned that Michael Fassbinder will star and co-produce, but we didn't know exactly when we could see ancestral-memory-hopping, face-stabbing, bartender-assassin Desmond Miles on the big screen. Now we do. ComingSoonNet reported on Friday that we'll be knee-deep in Creed on Memorial Day 2015, May 22nd to be exact.
With Avengers 2 opening a few weeks before and speculation that Star Wars VII will open around the same time, May 2015 is on track to be the most freaking mind-blowing month of movie awesomeness in recent memory. Seriously, nerds who already don't get enough sunlight will be twice as pasty. With all the hype, here's hoping Assassin's Creed exceeds its predecessors in the video game to movie predecessors -- there's no doubt that it'll be the face-stabbiest.
By which we mean it’s A) a fine showcase of the theatrical and dramatic-al slow-mo crotch punching we expect of the comic world’s most badass angry rich dude and also B) infused with the kind of dark, foreboding atmosphere Christopher Nolan filled the movies up to their celluloid eyeballs with (y’know, kinda. If you squint a little). It isn’t gameplay footage, true enough, but it’ll suffice to assure us that there’s something pretty damn special heading console-wards later this year.
This weekend, we saw the fleeting teaser of mano-a-mano combat betwixt Batman and Deathstroke, a snippet from this very scene. Today, Warner Bros. Games Montreal released a heaping helping of sweet, sweet ultra-violent context, with the extended video above. Behold, and look out for some cameo appearances.
1| Alexina Graham Lingerie Pictures for Ginger Spells and Matrimo… |
2| Petra Benova Bikini Bends Over for Your Stroll into the Weeken… |
3| READER FINDS: Christina Hendricks Sextastic, Petra Nemcova Topless, … |
4| Michelle Rodriguez Wouldn’t Change a Thing About Her Role in the Fi… |
5| Miley Cyrus Topless Outtake Photo Hits the World Wide Web — Or… |
Egotastic
Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Butts, Dogs and… Tech-Savvy Weathermen
This week’s Xbox One reveal can’t have escaped the attention of the gaming-inclined amongst us. Sadly, though, the media furor that ensued didn’t answer the most important question of all: Say, what does that dumbass weatherman from Channel 58 think about the new console?
After all, could you sleep without hearing the expert opinion/random BS-ings of a dickish meteorologist on the Xbox One’s prospects? Of course you couldn’t, but fear not. This installment of the Whacked Out Week has you covered.
Suckle at our teat of crazy above for such other wonderment as tiny winged asses and Call of Duty: Ghosts (definitely not) offering bizarre dog-breed DLC.
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