Video Games

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Boobs, Burgers and Bizarre Beverages

By Chris Littlechild | May 17, 2013 @ 10:04 am
Gaming's Whacked Out Week: May 17
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As you give another craptacular working week a vigorous mental middle finger, you’ll probably decide to celebrate by retiring to the local drinkatorium. This is no time to dick around with fancy-ass coffees with Kenyan names grown in remote mountainous regions of Italy (or vice versa, as the case may be), beer is needed. Strain it through your goddamn undercrackers if you want, we don’t care; it’s alcohol-o-clock.

But if you should decide to hipster it right up and go for a cappuccino or some such, be sure to take renowned ‘foam artist’/mad, mad bastard Nowtoo Sugi with you. Today’s star of the Whacked Out Week has one of the most scrote-shrivelingly-useless-yet-remarkable talents we’ve seen in an age, as you can see above.

And while you’re in the gallery, behold an amusingly irrelevant boob-slapping promotional game and the only restaurant in Canada that serves Chocobo Burgers. Nerdtastic!
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PS Vita’s ‘Killer App,’ Soul Sacrifice, Brings the Ugliest Damn DLC Ever to Japan (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 16, 2013 @ 9:58 am
Soul Sacrifice DLC Header
Look at the carnage this happy-looking soul can dispense.

Yes indeed. Many of the Vita-ers among us have surely been reveling in the ghastly, macabre delights of Soul Sacrifice, a co-op action RPG which lends its own twisted take on the Monster Hunter premise. Alone or in a team, it tasks sorcerers with dispatching a whole smorgasbord of lumpen demon-nasties from the depths of Beelzebub’s ballsack; sacrificing items, their very flesh and even their allies’ lives to cast forbidden magic as the need arises. Because nuts to morals, that’s why.

Boasting thoroughly compelling, deftly-crafted and generally nightmarish lore (and the kind of hideous ‘boss’ foes that’d make even loons like H.P Lovecraft foul their undercrackers), Soul Sacrifice is an intriguing offering with the potential to become a great exclusive IP for PlayStation Vita. Which could, as we know, certainly use a light invigorating electrical charge to the sales-gonads in that department.

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Because Sometimes Gigantic Flying Turds are Your Worst Enemy: Here’s ‘Toilet Kids’

By Chris Littlechild | May 16, 2013 @ 9:05 am
Who wouldn't push 'run' when there's a crazy guy with a turd-hat?
Toilet Kids Header

The realm of the ancient, decrepit scroll-y shooter is a bizarre one indeed. In the Eighties, awful arcade ballache Twinbee saw us piloting an odd little craft with stumpy Tyrannosaurus Rex-esque arms; shooting several shades of shit out of marauding fruit and/or kitchen implements. It was a little like a scene from one of those peculiar dreams our subconscious occasionally plucks from Satan’s undercarriage and thrusts before our bewildered eyeballs (although everyone kept their pants on in this instance).

There are a myriad of other examples, but only one of them features such nefarious enemies as urinals that fire piss-bullets at us. As such, naturellement, it’s the only one worth hearing about. Cork your ass and clench, then, because here comes Toilet Kids.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

By Chris Littlechild | May 15, 2013 @ 9:27 am
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 Header

Much like video games’ own bizarre sentient testicle, Pac-Man, Sonic is a superstar. He never quite got his shit together in recent outings (there have been some major gimmicky ballaches of late. Why in the name of Satan’s scrote does he have a talking sword? WHY?), but the blue dude with the -usually cretinous- 'tude was probably the only legitimate 'rival’ Mario has ever had in the mascot stakes. In this installment, we present perhaps the pinnacle of the Sonic series: Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

His heyday was the early nineties, before the middle-aged spread/baldness set in and Hollywood stopped calling (unless they were taking the piss, as with the wonderful has-been cast of The Expendables). 1992, to be precise, saw the release of the sequel for Sega’s Genesis, which was much-anticipated after the original introduced the character with such balls-out zeal the previous year.

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Grand Theft Auto V’s Dirty Dozen: Twelve New Screens of Scuba Diving, Piloting, Crime-ing and… a Guy in a Monkey Mask With a Bazooka

By Chris Littlechild | May 14, 2013 @ 9:20 am
Clearly, it's shaping up to be another quiet,
 Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
Grand Theft Auto V- Latest Screens
View the Gallery / 12 Photos »

How does an impending ball-busting video game juggernaut of Grand Theft Auto V’s caliber keep our attention during the long haul to release? We can’t all hibernate until September, after all. Taking off in the neighbors’ Winnebago -without permission and/or I.O.U, of course- to engage in an actiontacular tale of intrigue of our own and so assuage our Grand Theft Auto cravings is largely out of the question as well.

As such, we’ve got to rely on Rockstar’s intermittent advert-o-offerings; despite the fact that their wanton teasing of late has been matched only by Katy Perry and her insistence on never removing her top in public. However much we offer her (our ‘Katy Mam Fund’ is up to $7.50, a tube of hemorrhoid cream and our earthly souls thus far). In the wake of the recent trailer, they’ve now deigned to provide something else: the sextastic screenshot salvo in the gallery. Take a look.

Source of images: Rockstar, via techland.

Mother’s Day is Over, So it’s Safe to Remind You of Dead Space’s Evil, Craptacular ‘Your Mom Hates This’ Commercials (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 13, 2013 @ 9:04 am
Dead Space Your Mom Hates This Header
How did Dead Space 2 terrify her so? Get to clicking!

So we’ve dispensed our wine bottle/box of chocolates. We may even have -for the, y’know, A+ asskissing sons among us- added a card with a vom-tacular poem inside to the offering. We’ve apologized for not getting our shit together and visiting and/or calling more frequently. We’ve assured dear old ma that we won’t be hauling her ass over to Happy Funtimes Rest Home for Incontinent/Senile/Just Plain Irritating Oldies just yet (that brochure she found on the coffee table was simply misdelivered, intended for the neighbors. As was the completed application form in her name, obviously).

Your Mother’s Day experiences may have differed, but that’s pretty well the gist right there.

Our son-ly duties thus fulfilled, then, gaming’s greatest crime against moms everywhere can make a timely appearance. We speak, of course, of Dead Space 2‘s Your Mom Will Hate This campaign. The franchise’s exuberant, excessive violence has always been its calling card; a fact that the developers chose to use for piss-takery purposes.

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Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Continuing the Saga of the Outrageous Butt; Plus Space Invaders on a Mountainside

By Chris Littlechild | May 10, 2013 @ 9:40 am
Asstacular!
 Gaming's Whacked Out Week: May 10
View the Gallery / 3 Photos »

For the less observant among the Ego-ranks, it’s Friday! Congratulations for surviving to the ass-end of another week without shitting in your boss’s wastebin, raising your fists heavenwards and exclaiming, Nuts to this, I’m going to travel to a snow-capped mountain and spend several painstaking hours crafting a bizarre-and-gigantic work of gaming art on the ground, using only the footprints from my chunky boots. That’ll show them! That’ll show them all!

Because that’s an actual thing that can happen, it transpires. Just ask Simon Beck, talented nutbag and star of this installment of the Whacked Out Week.

Elsewhere in the gallery, see how asses continue to be taboo ‘round Nintendo way, while dicks are entirely acceptable (if they’re famous dicks). Princess Peach also becomes that crazy harridan from The Ring who likes to crawl out of the devil’s rectum via our television sets. Because why not, that’s why.
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