Video Games

The Weekly WTF: The Horrors of Mr. Resetti

Nintendo, as we know, is the home of family friendly funtimes. It’s all toontastic bright colors and rainbows shining from everyone’s assholes and all of that good stuff. Or so we’ve been led to believe. Somewhere behind the scenes, there’s a mad, mad bastard insidiously adding the creeptastic to their games.

That disturbing temple in Ocarina of Time? Super Mario Galaxy’s unexplained-yet-crap-your-pants-creepy lurking shadow ghost pervs? They’re all here, and they’re all damn weird. But none more so than... Mr. Resetti. Hold on to your undercrackers, he’s here for the Halloween edition of The Weekly WTF.
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Ebola is Boosting the Popularity of the Doomtacular ‘Plague Inc’

Now, this whole ebola deal is the kind of thing that even the most callous of assholes shouldn’t be joking about. But needless to say, the internet is pretty damn good at callous assholes. Have you seen Twitter recently? It’s like open mic night at the Not-Effing-Funny Ebola Jokeatorium.

I’m not averse to piss-takery, you understand. Piss-takery was my major. But this? Freaking this? No.

You might be familiar with Plague Inc., James Vaughan’s strategy sensation for mobile. It tasks you with obliterating the population of the Earth, by developing and evolving your chosen plague. It’s macabre as hell, involving canny use of different vectors to ensure you infect every poor bastard on the planet.

The key is managing and manipulating the growth of said plague: if it’s too damn mothereffin’ deadly, it’ll wipe out the carriers before they’ve spread it enough, and humanity will survive. And who the balls wants that? Nobody, that’s who.

All in all, it’s not the most happy funtimes of games. But at least it’s relevant to current events. The recent crisis has seen a huge upsurge in Plague Inc. downloads, Destructoid reports. Four million people were playing the game last week.

They’re calling their virus 'Ebola,’ because of course they are.

A Great Use for Xbox One’s Kinect at Last: Pizza!

Xbox One’s Kinect was looking a little superficial. The sort of contraption that can elicit an ‘ooh, that’s kinda cool’ or two, but is really completely effing unnecessary. Like those robot toys you demanded from grandma for Christmas. Sure, it was fun to fire its lil’ foam darts at the dog’s scrote for a day or two, but the thing was ultimately just a novelty you forgot about in a week.

That’s Kinect, right there. Voice commands replacing simple button presses do make me feel a little like a Jedi, true enough, but is that really crucial to the gaming experience? Is it hell. Perhaps with a few more dedicated games made to support it, I wouldn’t be a big ol’ cynical bastard, but it’ll need something special for that.

Something like... the Domino’s App. Much as I just ragged on voice commands, ‘Domino’s, feed me’ is one I can get on board with. According to IGN, this is how you start the process. Whereupon, you can live-track the progress of your pizza on the screen.

Now, Microsoft have already shown that they’re fans of the high-fat cheesetastic. Xbox 360 had a similar function, in partnership with Pizza Hut. But this app, reportedly coming to the console sometime next month, gives Kinect purpose for lazy-ass gamers everywhere. Now it just needs an attachment which puts your damn pants back on for you and opens the door for the delivery guy.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Duke Nukem 3D

Yes indeed, it’s Duke mothereffin’ Nukem. Grease your pectorals, dick about with your hair until it reaches Guile levels of dumbassiness, take your pants off, and pay attention.

As we all know damn well, the Duke is the pinnacle of man-tastic gaming heroes. He strides about with his cannonball-like gonads dangling in the wind, all sunglasses and shitstorms of bullets and questionable one-liners. Think of him as a blond Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who isn’t effing real.

In his honor, today we’re going to party like it’s 1996 and ogle Duke Nukem 3D, the biggest, badassiest and most important entry in the series. Along with Doom and Wolfenstein and such, this bastard right here showed the world the wonders of the FPS. But this one had boobs in.
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The Latest ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ Trailer Has Far Too Many Effing Assassins In It (VIDEO)

Assassin's Creed Unity Many Assassins
So many assassins.

Sometimes, you want an actual gameplay trailer. To see footage of the game itself in action, thus getting a freaking clue about what you’ll be playing when it arrives. But some developers just don’t want to dick around with that sort of thing. Gameplay? Nuts to it.

Then there are the cinematic trailers, usually festivals of CG melodrama and plot exposition. Destiny was great at these, with that dude prattling about the moon in his announcer-ly voice and all. But hold on to your butts, because Assassin’s Creed Unity is here with some melodrama of its own. Not to mention more freaking assassins than anybody wants in their faces on a Monday morning.

Unity, for the uninitiated, is set in Paris during the French Revolution. Now, I paid zero attention during Mr ‘Pervy’ Pendlewurst’s history class, but even I know that this wasn’t a time to eff around. There were guillotines and heads flying about with abandon and rather catchy national anthems being written all over the damn place.

And if there’s one thing the Assassins like (other than casual hooded jackets and those stealthy stab-your-effing-face-before-you-can-say-‘oh balls' wrist blades of theirs), it’s anarchy and revolution. All together, that’s four things they like, but what the hell. They’re all on display in this trailer.

‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas HD’ Hits Xbox 360 Today

Now this is pretty damn bargaintastic right here. And I don’t use that word lightly. Or, y'know, ever.

Anywho, yes indeed. As we saw on Friday, this weekend marked the tenth anniversary of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ release. To mark the momentous occasion, there was... a half-assed little double XP event on GTA Online. A nice little homage it may have been, but hardly enough to honor this pinnacle of PS2 gamery.

But this may help. A recent rumor suggested than San Andreas would be ported to Xbox 360 in spangly new HD soon, and lo! Here it is. Fresh from the drawer marked 'not actually bullshit after all,’ it’s San Andreas HD.

The game arrived on the marketplace today, and is pretty effing cheap. $3.74, in fact. Who could resist getting in on the high def Hot Coffee for that price? Nobody we know, that’s for freakin’ sure. A nostalgic crime wave through the city awaits, and it looks much less shitty than the last time.

You know how it is with decade-old 3D games. Sometimes you want to punch your own eyeballs in the face. But it’s the gameplay that counts; the technical upgrade and price point are just sexy bonuses. As are the achievements, if that’s your thing.

Via Destructoid.

‘GTA Online’ Hosts its San Andreas Anniversary Weekend

Has it really been ten years? Ten years since CJ, mothereffin’ combine harvesters and the piss-poor simu-sex of the Hot Coffee mod? Well, of course it has. That’s what I’m telling you. Pay attention, damn it.

Yes indeed, October 26 marks the tenth anniversary of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This was the game that wanged the seminal series into the third dimension (sure, GTA 3 had already done so, but this one did it with much more panache and/or badassery). It’s still regarded by many as the PS2‘s best, and right up there with the greatest ever made.

So let’s celebrate its decade-iversary in style. Or, we could follow GTA Online’s lead, and have a half-assed and slightly wank little party in its honor.

If you’re well-versed in the ways of Online, you’ll know the deal. DLC packages are a small crop of new vehicles/weapons/missions, and special occasions? They get the ol’ double XP treatment. Hold on to your scrotes for the wildest, drunkiest, vehicle-suspension-upgrades-now-25%-off-iest partay you ever went to.

Yep, San Andreas-themed tees and double GTA$/RP can all be yours for one weekend only. What a time to be alive.

Via IGN.