Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Modder Returns ‘Resident Evil’ to its Craptastic, Jill Sandwich Origins

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Last week, the umpteenth Resident Evil re-release hit consoles and PC. It’s a spangly new HD-ified edition of the legendary GameCube remake, and yet another slice of Capcom’s cash cowing.

But it’s also another slice of Resident Evil, and that’s hard to resist. Almost twenty years later, the 1996 classic has an iron, nostalgic grip on the ‘nads of gamers everywhere. Tank-tastic controls, Jill sandwiches, masters of unlocking… this is the stuff that childhood memories are made from.

Now, the first thing the original changed (the original remake, that is, not the original original, try to keep up) was the ball-achingly bad voice acting. It was terrible, after all, and is the source of much of the game’s camp b-movie value. But for one man, that shit is worth saving.

This week, Kotaku brought us Resident Evil modder ‘Bunny,’ and his project to splice the old voice acting onto REmake’s cutscenes. The results are beautifully nostalgic, completely hilarious and horrific in all the wrong ways. The scene after the jump (“It’s not just a poisonous snake… it’s a MONSTER!”) is particularly priceless.
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Et tu, Ermac? Another Veteran Returns to the Fray to Flay in ‘Mortal Kombat X’

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With new installments in fighting game franchises, you probably want to stick to the returning characters first. New fighters are all well and good, of course, but if a fan hears their favorite didn’t make the cut? You can imagine the nerdly whining on the Internet. There’d probably be a real-life Fatality or two.

Earlier this week we saw the return of everyone’s favorite caustic kombatant, Reptile. There were claws and acid-snot projectiles and face-melty fatalities, and a good time was had by all. But that, as they’d probably say on Mean Girls given half a chance, was like so two days ago. It’s time to move on and check out the latest addition to Mortal Kombat X.

So, welcome back, Ermac. Pull up a chair, or… y’know, pull off someone’s asscheek and eat it, or whatever you crazy bastards of Mortal Kombat like to do.

This guy’s a real oddity, beginning life as an urban legend/rumored glitch before becoming an official kombatant in his own right (first playable in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3). Since then, he’s been using his psychokinetic powers to serve Shao Khan and generally wreck shit as only a demented soul-conglomeration can.

Both of which he’s sure to be doing with style when Mortal Kombat X arrives on April 14. In the meantime, check him out in action against fellow fan favorite Sub-Zero below.

The Weekly WTF: How ‘Surf Champ’ Invented the Most Craptastic Sport of All Time

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Nope, that guy’s playing a different game. But don’t worry, this one will make you look like even more of a dick.

Piss-poor plastic peripherals will always have their place in video games. In the Wii era, Nintendo brought us all kinds of horrible, horrible controllers. The Mario Kart wheel thing. The Wii Fit Balance board. Those half-assed tennis racquet/golf club attachments that had absolutely no effect on the game at all. They were all bollocks, and none of them even had the decency to be biodegradeable. The environment will be blighted by this crap for years to come.

We haven’t forgotten about the Virtual Boy either, Nintendo. What the hell was up with that?

But screw it, this is just the sort of thing that happens when you innovate for the sake of innovation. It’s all bound to get a little whack. But Surf Champ’s weeny little keyboard-mounted surfboard controller? There is no excuse for that. At all. Ever.

Surf Champ, for those of us who aren’t decrepit old dudes, hit the Commodore 64 and ZX Spectrum way back in 1984. Even if you were around back then, you’re unlikely to have ever heard of it. This one’s obscure as hell. Even on the Internet, it’s a sight as rare as the Loch Ness Monster. Or unicorns. Or a celebrity lady who can resist snapping photos of her ladyparts on her cellphone, then proceeding to bitch about it when some intrepit hacker shares them with the world.

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See this, R.O.B? Something worse than you does exist.

Still, sabotagetimes knows their stuff. They know that this craptastic surfing game used ‘a haddock sized plastic surfboard which you slapped on top of your keyboard and used your finger to control, as if they were the stubby legs of a surfer.’ And if that sounds freaking horrendous to use, it’s because I’m assured that it was.

After all, there’s a reason PC games mostly conform to the good ol’ fashioned mouse, arrows and WASD approach. Primarily because it actually damn well works, and isn’t as counter-intuitive as getting pregnant by thrusting your wang in a bacon slicer. But screw it, Surf Champ has no time for that sort of logic. It’s finger-surfboard or nothing ‘round here, buddy boy.

But then the developers took a step further, into true crazy-ass territory. ‘They believed the game was so realistic that it would be used by professional surfers for indoor competitions during the off-season,’ the report continues. This resulted in the creation of the World Computer Surfing Championship, intended as an annual event. Unsurprisingly, somebody quickly noticed that, hey, this is a pretty mothereffin’ stupid idea, right here, and it happened just once in 1985.

Surf Champ was, by all accounts, a terrible ballache. But it sucked in style, so that’s… something.

Reptile Signs Up for More Acid-Spittin,’ Eye-Gougin’ Good Times in ‘Mortal Kombat X’

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Yep, the latest series stalwart to join the Mortal Kombat X roster is our old buddy Reptile. Spoiler: he’s still a bastard.

A hidden boss in the original game, he had humble origins as another half-assed palette swap and ‘cooler version of Scorpion.’ Having appeared in almost every entry since, he has earned his place as one of Mortal Kombat’s most beloved villains.

Reptile is the least imaginatively named member of a species called Raptors, nigh extinct creepy-ass reptilian people. In the games, he does arch-asshole Shao Khan’s bidding, in the hope that he will restore Reptile’s people to their former glory. Which, y’know, he won’t. Still, Khan’s henchman gets to tear all kinds of foes a new rectum on the battlefield in the meantime.

This angry green bugger is well-known for his fighting style, which incorporates all kinds of fancy tricks. From tongue lassos to acid snot missiles, he has it all. And a dash extra, as this first slice of Reptile gameplay demonstrates. That’s a charmingly vicious Fatality, right there.

Elsewhere in the clip, craptacularly cheesy jokes abound in the character intros.