Video Games

‘Destiny’ Hits Us With its Most Drama-tacular Trailer Yet, As Release Approaches (VIDEO)

Destiny Launch Trailer
That's some spangly armor, right there.

Traditionally, release trailers surface right around a game’s release. Hence, y’know, the name and all. Excuse us blowing your minds into tiny, astonished fleshy fragments like that, but some of us just aren’t clear on this rudimentary concept.

The mad, mad bastards at Bungie, for instance. Apparently, when you’re an awesome renegade charging into the mouth of hell on grandma’s mobility scooter, ‘release trailer’ can mean whatever you damn well want it to mean. A couple weeks ahead of Destiny arriving in stores on September 9? Why the eff not? Let’s do it.

And so, here it is. 2.5 of the most explode-y, space shoot-y minutes we’ve spent with the game yet (which is damn well saying something). It’s got it all: theatrical choir soundtrack, shit-your-pants excited blurbs saying things like ‘masterful game-making’ and ‘thrilling,’ a whole lot of Halo-esque action... what’s not to like?

Those mutant bastards still remind us of Gears of Wars’ Locust horde. Those are still some pretty damn sexy special effects. Destiny is slowly showing us more and more, and we’re all kinds of approving of what we’re seeing. After the rather successful Beta, we’re ready to immerse ourselves. Whet your appetite by taking a look above.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Damn It, Pierce Brosnan, You’re Not Supposed to Suck At ‘GoldenEye’ (VIDEO)

Whacked- Pierce Brosnan GoldenEye
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to bite."

A little Pierce Brosnan fact-tastic: he was the fifth Bond, star of a fine quartet of movies. GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, that one where he was getting a little too old for this sort of thing a la Roger Moore and Daniel Craig took over... this was good stuff, right here.

Wherever there were dodgy dudes stroking cats in swively office chairs, devising ridiculous megalomaniacal schemes and/or expecting you, our buddy Pierce was there. Those poor bastards never knew what hit them. For a decade, he was James Bond, fearless badass agent dude with a license to kill and no effs to give.

Nevertheless. Great as he was as that smarmy guy in Mrs. Doubtfire, his recent attempt to get his game on with Jimmy Fallon was an embarrassment. It’s GoldenEye, for balls’ sake. You’d think this would be his milieu. Whatever that means.

Here he is on The Tonight Show, sucking ass at the legendary N64 FPS. We suppose he can be forgiven the rookie mistake of failing to pick up the gun. But flailing madly with his karate chops like he’s in the midst of a swarm of flies, thinking that he’s firing the gun he isn’t holding, before being shot in the face by a prattling talk show host? Up with this we shall not put, Mr. Brosnan. Get your ass in gear.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF- Who the Hell is the Merchant from ‘Resident Evil 4′?

In the words of fat-ass Brit-tacular hero Winston Churchill, ‘It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.’ What was he talking about? Just what the eff is going on with Resident Evil 4's Merchant, that’s what.

If you want to be pernickety, he was actually prattling about Russia or something; this being 1939 and, y’know, almost seventy years before the game existed. But that’s Churchill. He knew his shit. Have you seen him in those pictures, with his v sign and his manly cigars? You don’t eff with this guy.
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Here’s ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ with Another Slice of DLC (VIDEO)

GTA Online- San Andreas Flight School Update
At last, the hei... oh, wait.

Grand Theft Auto V is approaching its first birthday now, but Rockstar are still pumping out the DLC updates. They’ve got an impending next-gen release of the game to pimp out, after all.

As is customary with these bonus content packs, we need to take a moment to bitch that heists are still nowhere in sight. And the moment’s over, so now let’s have an ogle at what is on offer.

Feast your eyes, ears and gonads on The San Andreas Flight School update. It’s all far too manly and Top Gun mocktastic, as we learn to fly some rather badass jets and showcase our patriotic (your country here) flag-based parachute bags.

That aside, there are all the usual fancy-ass thingmabobs and doohickeys you expect from GTA Online DLC. New vehicles (of the land and air varieties), tweaks to the payouts of certain missions, all kinds of smaller additions. Check out the piss-takey trailer above for more details.

Via Destructoid.

Oh Balls, ‘Flappy Bird’ Brings Us Another Flappy Turd. With Helicopters

We've long since added Flappy Bird to the list of shit-tastic shit the world has seen enough of. That which should be instantly and definitively banished from all social media, on pain of death.

For the curious, the list currently stands at Flappy Bird, Justin Bieber and rom coms that are too damn light on the com. Which is pretty well all of them.

Anywho, yes. Mere months after removing the game from the App Store because it’s ‘too effing addictive’ (we’re paraphrasing), Mr. Flappy Bird is back with another little ballache. Gentlemen, feast your eyes on Swing Copters.

Quoth Kotaku, ‘it’s a lot like Flappy Bird but going up.’ The same cutesy art, the same simple yet ass-numbingly compelling gameplay, presumably the same urge to disseminate highscores on Twitter despite everybody’s lack of craps to give. Huzzah!

You’ll be foul-your-undercrackers excited to hear that this’ll be available for download tomorrow, and comes in two flavors: Free with ads spewing out of every orifice or paid, ad-free. But for the sake of humanity, give it the middle finger it so righteously deserves and be on your way.

Via Kotaku.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Dungeon Keeper 2

Previously in this series, we ogled the cult classic PC title Dungeon Keeper. If you missed that, you’d better get your ass in gear and click those magical red words of link-y fun and goodtimes. Because today, we’re partying like it’s 1999 and bringing you the sequel.

Yes indeed, the devious bastardry of Dungeon Keeper could not be contained in a single game. It was a magic formula that tapped into the ‘let’s be assholes’ impulse we all have in our subconsious. Y’know, the one that makes us steal skinny-dippers’ clothes from the side of the pool. That cheeky bastard.
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A ‘Legend of Zelda’ Tribute for Robin Williams? Get On This, Nintendo

Ah, Robin Williams. What the hell will the world do without you? Whether you were inadvertently setting your fake boobs aflame in Mrs. Doubtfire, making your awesome old Firebird fly with Flubber, or sassing just about every bastard in your stand-up, you entertained us all.

There’s no greater legacy to leave behind than, ‘y’know, I think a little pee came out.’ And that’s worth celebrating, right there.

Nintendoholics seem to agree. As you may know, our ol’ buddy Robin was a balls-out Legend of Zelda aficionado, even naming his daughter Zelda. She is, unsurprisingly, a regular in Nintendo commercials, and also presents parts of E3 and such. But then that’s like naming your daughter Crystal Chandelier and wondering why she’s grown up to be a stripper or a porn star.

Anywho, yes. A petition for Williams to be immortalised in the game series has reached Nintendo. Bolstered with other 100,000 signatures, it reads:
‘...there’s a new Zelda game on the horizon. A bold reinvention, a fresh new open-world adventure for Wii U. I would like to suggest that... Nintendo of America... name one of the characters ‘Robin’ in his memory. He won’t get to play it, but he’ll live on forever in a universe he always loved.’

Nintendo’s response was PRtastically inconclusive (‘We will not be discussing what might be possible for future games during this difficult time, but we will hold our memories of Robin close’), but that’s just the odd kind of acknowledgement he would have appreciated.

Via Kotaku.