Video Games

In Honor of ‘Alien: Isolation,’ Sigourney Weaver and Co Remember How Badass ‘Alien’ Was (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation- Cast Talk
Yep, this guy's back. Spoiler: he's still pissed.

And, y’know, still is. As though that needed clarifying.

So, yes. You may have heard that Alien: Isolation pledges to be true to its movieland roots. You may also excuse us for saying: BS. How many times have we heard that in the past, only to be presented with a big ol’ steaming turd come launch? Licensed games don’t have a craptacular reputation for nothing.

But wait! Let’s not don our cynical hats and start bitching just yet. This could --could-- be an exception, right here.

Isolation, the upcoming survival horror from The Creative Assembly, really does have authenticity on its side. We’ve seen the special edition DLC, which will bring bonus missions you play as Ripley, Parker or Dallas themselves. They’ll be voiced by the original actors, looking a little droopier and wrinklier than they did in 1979 (who the hell doesn’t?) but still as badass as ever.

Here’s Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt and the others featured, discussing just how important the game will be to the world they remember.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Playing ‘Doom’ at the Top of a Freaking Mountain, Just Because (VIDEO)

Whacked- Mountain LAN Party
Only the second-highest mountain in the US? Ah, it'll do.

Some things are just inherently manly. Die Hard movie marathons. Lumberjacks. The bravado of ignoring the instructions and attempting to assemble that cabinet yourself, because it’s effing simple and you know what you’re doing.

When the drawers don’t close properly and a stray nail jabs you in the ass as you pass by, it’s not even slightly your fault. Manufacturing error, right there.

Anywho, in the case of games, Doom is as man-tastic as it gets. After all, to descend into Hell’s anus armed only with a pistol, you need gonads the size of Jupiter. So, how do we reach the very pinnacle of manliness? We take Doom on a death-defying romp up a goddamn mountain, that’s how.

Behold Tek Syndicate, and their record-breaking 'highest altitude LAN party ever' atop Mount Elbert. It was pretty half-assed with regards to battery life, as Mother Nature hasn’t got her shit together and fitted her mountains with power outlets yet, but still. One thing’s for sure, this is the most fancy-ass tech you’ll see on a mountainside today. That’s an Ego-guarantee.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: Resident Evil 4‘s Ashley, Gaming’s Biggest Pain in the Butt

As we all know damn well, women aren’t meek damsels in distress. They don’t cry for studly dudes to rescue them from the top of dodgy towers. There are no poisoned apples or wicked witches, because our fine ladyfolk don’t have time for any of that BS. Not in real life.

If Bowser attempted to kidnap Peach in reality, she’d mace him and/or kick him right in the big ol’ green mansack. Because women are utter badasses who will not and cannot be stopped. They could kick our asses, that’s for damn sure.

Which begs the question: why is Ashley so effing effingly effing useless?
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Xbox One Commercial Brings ‘the Best Games of the Year’ and a Little Badassery from Rocky Balboa (VIDEO)

Xbox One Best Games
That's how winnin' is done!

Now, in the battle of the successtastic, PS4 has the edge over Xbox One. In terms of, as Wyclef Jean would probably tell you, dollar dollar bills yo. (Read: sales.) You know that, we know that and grandma knows that. As, it seems, do Microsoft themselves.

And here’s the House of Xbox themselves, with a big ol’ middle finger to the whole situation. The theme of today’s commercial is 'nope, we’re not effed yet.'

Who embodies that spirit better than Rocky? Nobody, that’s who. Here he is, passing on those inspirational words to his son (It ain’t about how hard you hit...) against a backdrop of Xbox One’s best upcoming releases. Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Sunset Overdrive, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and Assassin’s Creed Unity are featured in the brief clip.

This was a great concept, right here. We won’t even be pernickety and bitch that half of those aren’t strictly Xbox One games at all.

Sony’s Japanese Vita Commercials: Now With Penis (VIDEO)

Vita Joke
Yep, those dick-shaped thunderstorms are a bitch.

How would you summarize Sony’s treatment of the Vita in a word? Bollocks, perhaps? Turns out, that’s quite apt. And Sony agrees, judging by this new commercial.

The intrepid little console is quite the portable powerhouse, with 1,000 gigaflops of whatsit and more doohickeys than a Swiss army knife. It just sucks that much of this potential is wasted by the lack of any crap-your-pants AAA exclusives for the system.

It has been languishing in Internet piss-takery for some time, poor little dude. Worry not, though, because Sony are here with their spangly new summer Vita-plugging initiative. Which is kicking off, as all good plans do, with a penis joke.

Take a look at this Japanese commercial-making masterclass. Then, let Kotaku explain just what the balls (heh, balls) is going on:

In the spot, schoolkids are getting changed for their summer swimming lessons, and after one kid drops his towel, another kid's jaw drops and he says, loosely, "He's an adult!" (or "otona da"). That's followed by the announcer saying, "For you who aren't grade schoolers anymore."

Of course. It all makes perfect sense.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: River City Ransom

The late eighties/early nineties were the formative years of gaming. It’s kind of like our college days, where we decide if we’re going to be a lawyer/stockbroker/caricaturist at the mall/alcoholic/bisexual. Apparently, while video games were at college, they decided that what they were going to be was pretty effing violent.

This was the era of the side-scrolling beat 'em up. The Genesis had Golden Axe, Streets of Rage, the notoriously lisp-tastic Altered Beast (wise fwom your gwave!) and so forth. You’d find them jostling for school-truanting youths’ attention in arcades with Final Fight. The message was plain: if you want to cruise from left to right and punch bad dude face, games have you covered.
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The ‘Doom 4′ Reveal Was a Chainsawin,’ Explosionin’ Good Time; So We Hear (VIDEO)

Doom 4 Quakecon Reveal
The most doomtastic Doom you ever saw. Apparently.

You know how the gamertastic can be. Particularly those of us who are long-term fans of a certain franchise. We clutch our beloved Final Fantasy/Resident Evil/Zelda/other to our man-boobs like our firstborn children. Should developers eff around with them, the fire and brimstone and impotent spittle-flying Internet rage is unleashed.

By, y’know, the crazies among us. Not everybody. Anywho, let’s see what happened when hardcore Doomaholics were shown footage of Doom 4 at QuakeCon last week.

Kotaku and the unofficial QuakeCon forums bring us this footage, seven of the most enthusiastic freaking minutes you can fathom. The reveal of the new installment itself is strictly top-secret, and couldn’t be recorded. (On pain of ‘a renegade band of Cacodemons coming to your home at 4am to shit on the doorstep and eat your face,’ id Software’s lawyers said. Except they didn’t.) So this is just lucky attendees’ reactions.

Still, it’s safe to say that fans will not be disappointed. For once. After collating all of their testimonials, it looks like the general opinion was: 1) back to its roots, 2) amazing combat, 3) holy crap and 4) I need new pants.

All of which are good signs. We're on board.