Video Games

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Alone in the Dark

Before there was Resident Evil, before there was Silent Hill or Fatal Frame or any of the other ball-busting horror superstars, there was Alone in the mothereffing Dark. If you’re of stout heart and steely scrote, join us in the most piss-poor looking little slice of hell you ever saw.

Back in the mists of time, survival horror wasn’t even a thing. This was 1992, after all, and we all had more important things to be assed about in 1992. Like Ice Cube having his ‘Good Day,’ the release of Aladdin, and the Pope deciding that Galileo wasn’t a massive bastard after all. What a year it was.
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‘GTA V’ on PS4: Now With Extra Creepy Mimes and Crap on the Radio (VIDEO)

Grand Theft Auto V PS4
Ooh, fancy.

For many of us, the PC edition of Grand Theft Auto V has been the big effing deal of late. Well, screw many of us, because that particular release has been bumped back to 2015. January 27, if you want to get all technical and precise date-y.

In the interim, the spangly new next-gen edition is hitting PS4 and Xbox One this November. At which point, the game will have been doing the rounds for over a year already. So what we want to know --what we clench our meaty fists, pound them on our desks and freakin’ demand to know, because it's Monday and Mondays are wank-- is, has it been worth the wait?

There’s been a fair amount of work put in, at any rate. Kotaku reports that Rockstar promise, ‘...a number of new features over and above the visual upgrade: new activities, new weapons, new vehicles, additional wildlife, denser traffic, new foliage system and enhanced damage and weather effects. There are also over 100 new songs and mixes across the game's radio stations.’

Yep, you read that right. New foliage. If you’ve ever cruised through Los Santos and thought, y’know what this game needs? More mothereffin’ foliage. Foliage me right up, Rockstar dudes, you’re in luck. We didn’t even know a 'foliage system’ was a thing. What a time to be alive.

In summation, it looks like the same deal as usual: certainly a definitive edition for new owners, but nothing that makes a second buy ball-bustingly essential. Still, if your interest is piqued, feast your eyes on this latest PS4-powered trailer. It has mimes in.

Behold the Skimpy Stealthiness of the ‘Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain’ Pre-TGS Teaser (VIDEO)

Pre-TGS- Metal Gear Solid V- The Phantom Pain
This makes even Cammy look overdressed.

Thursday through Sunday, the Tokyo Game Show hits Japan like several tons of nerdly goodness. Because... that’s just what it is. It’s like E3, but with more creepy panty vending machines and questionable porn.

Which, y’know, sounds like a damn good time to us.

Anywho, this is the home of video games, right here. You’d expect all the ball-busting heavy hitters to be there, flaunting their wares like celebtastic getting out of taxis without their undercrackers on. And that’s just what we’re getting. One of the biggest names in games is already doing so, and the show isn’t even underway yet.

Here’s a quick little pre-TGS teaser from Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. It’s forty seconds of the skimpiest stealth suit you ever saw, and a demonstration of a fancy new infiltration trick. Gone are the days of Solid Snake dicking about in a locker or dropping 'gentleman’s publications’ to distract the guards. We can now just turn effing invisible whenever we damn please.

Except we can’t, but this is rather funky regardless. Check out this fleeting Quiet showcase above.

Via Destructoid.

‘Resident Evil: Revelations 2’ First Trailer is Suitably Ghastly-Ass (VIDEO)

Resident Evil Revelations 2 Trailer
'Evil is watching you.' With... this huge weird eye.

Once again, we have some revelations about these Revelations. Hold on to your butts, it’s revelationception. Or something.

Earlier this week, we learned that Resident Evil: Revelations 2 will star Claire Redfield and Moira Burton (daughter of franchise favorite and dumbass ginger beard enthusiast Barry). It’ll be presented in episodes, and available later as a full balls-out retail release. Just to maximize Capcom’s dollartacular, naturally.

While furious nerds bitch fruitlessly at the Internet about these shenanigans, we have a first trailer to ogle. It has creepy, dingy-ass prisons, supercuts of various acts of blood-leaky violence, and that creepy eyeball thing. Because, as we all know, if you aren’t cruising slowly down a dimly-lit corridor, it’s not horror.

It’s certainly a hands/hatchet-on style of survival horror. Much like The Evil Within, to which the above bears an incredible resemblence. Almost enough to have lawyers polishing their stompy jackboots of gonad-grinding law-justice. Nevertheless, if this is survival horror with actual survival and horror in it, we’re sold.

Via Destructoid.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: ‘The Evil Within’ Only Needs a Watermelon and a Bag of Potato Chips to Scare the Hell Out of Us (VIDEO)

Whacked- The Evil Within
Relax, it's just a dude chewing on some noodles.

You’ve got to wonder at the badassery of movie/video game sound dudes. The key elements of Jurassic Park’s iconic T. Rex roar, for instance, were a baby elephant and a Jack Russell (see Vulture’s report on weird ass dino-movie sound trivia). We’re dealing with the kind of guys and gals who look at this 15 foot toothy death-beast and think, yep, this huge effer needs more Jack Russell.

Essentially, that sound that shook the effing theatres back in 1993 (and again last year in spangly 3D) was made by Eddie from Frasier. Meanwhile, the raptors’ barking sounds were made by tortoises having sex. Yep.

But hey. Don’t go thinking that sound techs only spend their days watching tortoise porn and pissing off geese, like the mad, mad bastards they are. Because they also like getting snacktastic with potato chips and watching their asses grow. For, y’know, work.

Here’s 'Delicious Evil,’ a bizarre clip from the making of The Evil Within. Sound designer Masahiro Izumi is tasked with creating the sound effects of the haunted chewing on your damn face, and he does it in style.

Via PlayStation Blog.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Conker’s Bad Fur Day’- Because Sometimes, Giant Living Turds Like to Sing Opera

Nintendo, what the balls happened here? You’re like the straight A student who falls off the wagon, drops out, and dedicates his new hobo life to drugs and hookers and taking drugs with hookers instead. We’re disappointed in you. You’re a bad, bad multinational corporation.

After all, if these guys are known for anything, it’s their family-friendly funtimes sensibilities. They live for that shit. Unlike the rest of the gaming world, they don’t bring us FPSs like Gunblastin’ Shoot-tastic Shooter VIII: This Time, It’s Shooty. From Nintendo, all we get are cutesy pink unicorns and rainbows sprouting from everyone’s assholes.
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Grisly, Blood-Leaky Deaths Await in ‘Alien Isolation’ (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation
Oh balls.

Alien, as we know, makes for a great movie franchise but an utterly wanktacular video game. Usually. Remember Aliens: Colonial Marines? The game that pledged to bring us the full badass space marine experience? It was balls.

But hey, let’s not bitch about Alien: Isolation just yet. It has a chance.

This one’s all about an entirely disparate survival experience. We aren’t cruising about with huge eff-off guns, gleefully dispatching any horror we come across. Instead, we’re hiding behind the desk like big girls while some other poor bastard gets their face chewed on. It’s less Resident Evil 5 and more ‘that moment with the two little urchins in the kitchen with the raptors in Jurassic Park.’

Which is what crap-your-pants horror is all about. And if that’s what Isolation is going to serve up, this may be one to watch after all. Here’s a quick terror-tastic new clip from the game, showcasing just the kind of situation you’re going to be getting yourself into. That ending? Ouch. You forget what huge bastards those Xenomorphs are.