No, not up there, here.

Thanks to all of you who've been writing all day with the boob-baring news of Helen Flanagan and her bikini wardrobe malfunction in Ibiza during a photoshoot. I've been trying all day to reach the photographer to be able to share this spectacular, right-side wonderment with you directly, but I have failed. It troubles me as it is one of the very few things in life I'm fairly decent with.

Still, I'd never let my shortcomings keep you from checking out the teat of a goddess. So check the link above to the U.K. Sun and we'll bring them to you on here as well as soon as possible. Enjoy.

I've been young before, but I've never been a girl (outside of a few dress up games that I assure you were all part of a larger, very manly plan), but I'm guessing this new Miley Cyrus music video We Can't Stop is going to be something of an anthem for young girls who feel oppressed. Granted, mostly because their parents are monitoring their computer time or they're not allowed to stay out past 10pm like stupid Sharon is, but, still, oppression is in the eye of the beholder. And for those girls, this Miley Cyrus ode to raunchy girl party time, kind of Cyndi Lauper updated to 2013, I bet it speaks to them.

As for me, I just wanted to see all the edgy booty shaking, doll licking, and simulated making of the sexy scenes promised as images from this video were leaked. They're all there. It's hard to say it's exactly pornographic, as I'm sure some parents groups will scream. But it's definitely, err, memorable. Take a look for yourself. Enjoy.

MILEY CYRUS WAS NAUGHTy STAGE PERFORMING WELL BEFORE EVEN 18

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Well, they are kind of distant and a bit out to sea, but there's no way I'm not sharing a little Anna Kournikova bikini love with you, my guests who forget to take their shoes off when they enter my abode.

Anna Kournikova has been a thing for what seems like a long while now. She never progressed too far in her sport of tennis, but she was one of the original grass court Russian babes, a harbinger of hotness to come from girls in white tennis outfits grunting as they smack bouncy balls. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Or Anna's bikini body, still quite the sight. Enjoy.

AT ONE TIME, ANNA WAS THE MOST BELUSTED FEMALE ATHLETE IN THE WORLD

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Hmm, I'll leave you to decide on this one, but we do like to share and show all sides of the sextastic celebrity spectrum, including Ivone Meireles, wife of Portuguese soccer sensation Raul Meireless, on the beach in Miami showing off her shorn hair, her heavily inked up torso, and, of course, her bikini body.

Now, I am a man who delights in all types of women. The only commonality they truly have is the fact that most of them keep dismissing my letters, phone calls, emails, and, of course, sexts. And I do like me some ink. But I'm still weighing my feelings for Raul's wife. I'm sure he's eagerly awaiting my decision. Enjoy.

If you're not familiar with Britty model Melissa Cunningham as of yet, prepare to become familiar. Very familiar. Her pictorial in the recent FHM magazine is blowing minds (and other things) across the Western Hemisphere. Without technically showing an inch of R-rated skin, Melissa and her barely covered topless photos are striking some poses that will linger in your memory chips for some time to come. Simply just wicked wicked hot.

Now, far be it from me to ever suggest a move toward less than nekkid photos, but if you've got some limits, here's the way to push the boundaries in a truly sextastic manner. Good on you, Melissa.

(For more on Melissa Cunningham and other cover girls head to FHM.com.)

When somebody tells you that something is so wrong, that's when you know you're onto something good. Our creatively prurient friends at SoHo magazine down Sudamericana way have come up with another truly inspired pictorial. This time, featuring Colombian actress Rita Bendek (who made an appearance in that craptastic Love in the Time of Cholera adaptation film a few years ago) and her daughter Camila Jones in a naughty teasy lingerie twosome. It's just, well, it's just simply so wrong it's spectacular.

Now, there will be those of you who feel somewhat uncomfortable watching a mom and daughter embraced lovingly in but their skimpy bits of lingerie. To you I say, I am sorry for your loss. Enjoy.

Well, that didn't take long. I guess if you're going to buy them, might as well flaunt them.

Still in the recovery stage from her new silicone family additions, Courtney Stodden put on her first bikini ta-ta show off statement of her new killer apps. Blow up to what we're told is DD proportions, Courtney Stodden now has the tools to take her act to the next level. What that level is remains to be seen, although those movies you used to have to try and watch between wavy lines back in the day on cable TV seems like a distinct possibility.

Still, there's no denying that Courtney has more appeal now than ever before. If for no other reason than gravity. Those suckers are quite the planetary draw. Enjoy.

COURTNEY A LONG WAY FROM HER EARLY HIGH SCHOOL MODELING DAYS

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I'll say this for Melissa Riso, if her plan was to vault herself from obscurity to object d' lust for many of our readers by the simple plan of appearing in a wildly alluring photoshoot each week, well, that plan is basically working. It seems so simple, yet, it's so elusive for many.

In her latest incarnation, Melissa looks like she's set to attend some upscale celebrity domme party, or maybe just shop along Rodeo Drive looking tres avante garde. Either way, somebody spent hours making Melissa look smoky, which is more than enough reason to share her once more with you.

She seems to be a climber. She's giving me some climbing idea of my own. I'm excited to see what's next. Enjoy.

You know our love for super hot women only increases when we know they love the same thing we love. Well, yes, watching sports in our underwear on the couch. That, but also the love and sweaty affection of other hot women. Like Amber Heard, who claims to be bisexual, but, let's be honest, that's just to make her sextastic girlfriends put a little effort into plastic toy Friday fun time.

Featured in the current Malibu magazine, Amber Heard reminds us that she's one super fine looking woman. We don't get to see much of Amber these days. Limited in the screen roles. But every time she appears, we feel the need to dream about girls in ancient Greece feeding grapes and their tender body parts to one another. I mean, I do. You get your own classical naughty flashbacks. Enjoy.

AMBER HEARD JUST OWNS THE PLACE WHEN SHE SHOWS UP IN HER FINEST

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You know, despite being a professional model, a full time nekkid in the ocean active girlfriend, and a world traveling celebrity offspring, it's still deemed impolite to mention anything the least bit adult about the almost barely legal Ireland Baldwin.

Just the fact that the paparazzi are snapping photos of her hiney in her short shorts with not much else on as she prances and bends over around town, well, it's truly inappropriate and I'm going to write a few angry, important type letters about it to the World Celebrity Photographers Council. And, in the meantime, while waiting for the postman to arrive, I might just sneak a peek. Err. I mean, protect and defend her innocence.

Like people used to say about Cleopatra. She's just a girl. Enjoy.

IRELAND'S NEW STEPMOM, HILARIA, IS HAVING A BABY

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There, I said it. Sorry, America. But Christina Milian showed up to the pageant this past weekend and made me think how much better of a show that would've been had Christina been strutting about the stage for a couple hours in hardly any clothing.

Not that the contestants were the kinds of girls you'd throw out of bed for eating crackers (an expression I've never understood, I think it's hot when girls eat in bed). But Christina and her MILFy curvy all-grown up and ready for naughty playtime body? Well, it may not be as pretend wholesome and pageant like as the Miss USA contestants, but that's what makes it ever so nice.

I'd like to crown Christina my queen and cover her sash in...yeah, I've had enough. Enjoy.

THE MISS USA PAGEANT A FEW YEARS BACK DID BRING OUT THE BUXOM GIRLS

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I think it's worth pointing out when one of our veteran hotties still very much has it going on. And downstairs in the back of her store, yes, Jennifer Lopez is still issuing the hits.

Filming something or other that probably pays her a fortune in New York, Jennifer was in a form fitting skirt, revealing the true talents of the Latina diva and celebrity with a badonkadonk that belongs in the legendary category. It's just so, so, perfect. That is all. Enjoy.

JENNIFER EMERGES FROM THE WATER LIKE AN ASSTASTIC NYMPH

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Katy Cocktease is in the news today complaining about how Russell Brand was so super cold in breaking up their marriage. I'm supposing Russell probably has a different story to tell. I know with divorced couples it's like one of those TV cops show mysteries where two people who witnessed the same event saw two completely different things.

What remains more undeniable about our favorite (or most stressful) cocktease celebrity is that she shows up big for big events and pictorials. Including her current spread in the new edition of Vogue magazine, definitely rated PG, but still, the pop diva shows the tools of why she is of great interest to all of you in the first place. She's a very good looking woman. A very good looking woman who won't show us her hooters, to be precise. Alas. Enjoy.

While Joanna Krupa is newly married to a nightclub investor (which doesn't sound shady at all) and Kendra Wilkinson is married to an ex-NFL player turned handbag holder, both wives love to get attention for their chestal regions, leading to a little cleave-off over this past weekend.

Joanna was at BOA Steakhouse celebrating with her newlywed husband and showing off her model body...

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Two women, two separate purposes, two sets of very fine and full funbags. Enjoy.

Here's a hint as to Courtney Stodden and her new chest size: Double Dutch. Yep, bigguns her senior citizen husband can now attempt to manhandle in the bedroom after nap time. It's been well documented that Courtney was previously performing without any surgical enhancements, just pulleys and cables. Now, she has the real thing. Well, the real fake ones.

Check out the exclusive Courtney Stodden boob job surgery video and photos at our good and indecent friends at WWTDD.com

Photo credit: Coleman-Rayner

Oh, how Helen Flanagan, the full-bosomed cleavetastic British soap star has become a favorite of ours around here these past couple of years. But, as much as Helen shows, she is cautious to never reveal too much in her sextastic candids and posed photos. But in these newly released photos from our friends at Nuts magazine, we seem to see something anatomical on Helen we had really not seen before. As always, we shall let you be the judge.

In any and all circumstances, Helen Flanagan remains a cheeky gal with brilliant cheeks that we would love to have in our hot tub for a soak. And, by hot tub, I do mean a small pail of warm water station in the center of my boudoir to help heal the bruised and tired parts after epic minutes of making of the sexy time. My lust is short-lived, but powerful. Enjoy.

While not everybody in Brazil is seemingly happy about the financial situation regarding the upcoming 2014 World Cup in Brazil, soccer fans and fans of hot Brazilian women with major league booties are reveling in the pending festivities. I'd count myself in both those camps. And to get us started an entire year early, Brazilian bombshell brunette model Aline Bernardes has slipped into something a little more comfortable, a tiny booty-baring bikini, to give a quick sneak peek at the half-built main World Cup stadium.

Now, I know you're not supposed to use your hands in the sport of soccer, but staring at Aline and that bodacious dumper of hers, well, I'm inclined to commit a few flagrant fouls upon myself in or around the nets. I can not wait for Brazil 2014. The Egotastic! Winnebago is already gassed up and ready to go. Enjoy.

SOCCER DOES TEND TO BRING OUT THE BOOBTASTIC HOTTIES

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We had a rather rousing, short-lived discussion in the office here yesterday over who has nicer melons, Kate Upton or Kelly Brook. Hey, this is what we talk about here during our downtime. So, it's just like our uptime. I say short-lived discussion because after yesterday, we had the best, clearest view of the amazing Kelly Brook funbags ever seen before, while we remain completely devoid of anything closely posed and topless for Kate Upton. So the verdict remains in doubt. Sadly so. Though hopefully not for long.

Featured once more in the Choppers summer campaign mini-pictorial, the Kate Upton tremendous boobage almost fell out of her bikini top, a bittersweet reminder that as sweet as her flesh puppies are in our lives, there will always be some hint of emptiness in our hearts until we see those sextastic suckers flapping free in the midday sun. Anticipation, it really does kill your slowly. Enjoy.

Heidi Klum really has been experiencing something of a hotness renaissance since she dumped her husband and started sleeping with her bodyguard. I'm not suggesting every woman out there do the same, unless, of course, you are one of my bodyguard service clients and you're hot, but it seems to have worked for Heidi.

She's showing skin-revealing at major upscale events the past several months, including just a fancy evening out in the meatpacking district in N.Y., flashing some sweet side views of her tall veteran model body frame.

Of course, we would always like to see much more of Heidi. And here's to hoping she takes another one of her European beach holidays where she gets in the spirit of removing her top for an almost all over tan. But until that time, we shall continue to imagine straps falling off her shoulders. Enjoy.

I'd like to say we're all lucky today for a chance to see the hot body of model Amanda Frances barely covered for an SI India photoshoot. But since she's not she-banging actor Chris Pine, I'm going to have to say that he is a little bit more lucky than the rest of us today.

Not that I'm not delighting in an up and down gaze upon this wicked frame of the young model with a body that seems to be built for pleasure and business. And this pictorial really deserves a little credit in the sextastic creativity department.

Still, it might be nice to be the captain of her enterprise one day, or one hour, and go where, yeah, I suppose a few men have gone before. That's it, I'm out of Star Trek puns already. Enjoy.