Sophia Bush Braless For the Season of Boobtastic Giving

I will admit, I haven’t stepped in a brick and mortar store that doesn’t purvey lingerie in over seven years. I’m entirely an online shopper. If I can’t buy it through a site where my credit card and identity can be compromised in nanoseconds, I’m not interested. That being said, I think I could be lured back to the mall proper if more lovely young ladies were sporting the shopping wardrobes of Sophia Bush braless and cleavetastic for the season. Wow, what a stunner. Were I ringing her up at the register, I’d fumble for at least thirty minutes and then inevitably ask her for three forms of ID, one of which must be a body part.

Bless you and your sweet barely covered funbags, Sophia. You put the joy in the Season of Joy, the giving in the Season of Giving, and the lump of coal in my shorts. I think that’s coal. Black Friday kills. Peace out. Enjoy.

Kat Torres Goes Boudoir Lingerie Lace for Water Sales

Maybe in 2015 I’ll finally come to understand WTF this bottled water company is doing shooting hot models daily in bikinis, lingerie, or less, and not actually selling any water. It sounds like a sinister enough plan to meet sextastic ladies that I should have thought of it first. Oh, yeah, Bill’s Nekkid Water, come on, ladies, get into your Nekkid costumes and let’s promote the shizz out of the bottles I fill in my sink. It just might work, though my evil schemes do tend to fail at a rather astonishing rate.

The opposite of fail is the delicioous Kat Torres preening in her little black lace lingerie for the cameras. Water, vitamins, rabid pit bulls, I’d buy anything Kat Torres in silk and lace was selling. I have a hard time saying no to fully dressed women. This, well, just tell me what my order is and I’ll hand over my Discover card for a swiping. We are but lambs before the hottie slaughter. Enjoy.

Katy Perry See-Through Skirt For Down Under Peeks

Fresh off the heels of complaining about lack of privacy in her bikini twerking yacht trip, Katy Cocktease did a little holler back of her own by wearing a see-through skirt to the Aria Awards in Australia. I have no idea what the Aria Awards are for, but if the category is Hottest Pop Star in See-Through Skirt Whose Funbags We Are Dying to See, well, I hope Katy had her acceptance speech ready.

As usual, Katy was adorned in proper undergarments keeping us from seeing anything beyond the tease level. Still, not many tease quite as expertly or perhaps more frustratingly as Katy. How we’ve managed to maintain interest in yelling at her to show us her fine melons for five years straight is probably a testament to her enduring underlying allure. Most guys give up on girls after, oh, about five minutes of trying. Katy has that special something something that keeps you coming back to bang your head against the wall over and over again. That’s pure raw sextastic power, my friends. Enjoy.

Christina Milian Missing Her Underwear, I’m Not Complaining

Christina Milian is one underrated hero of mine. I like to think I’m one underrated hero of hers as well, though I doubt she’s leafing through photos today of me without my underpants on looking all kinds of distant and serious. Though it’s possible she is. I have sent her so many.

In this ‘We Are Pop Culture’ photoshoot, Christina Milian shows her true talents as a hot Latina who so often gets overlooked in ‘best of’ lists, but who every time we see her manages to layer in another sextastic set of poses, pokes, and pants-less bits of visual delight. She might be a handul. She might be two handfuls. All the better. Christina, you complete me. Or, you could totally complete me if only you allowed me five minutes of your time and a promise not to giggle. Enjoy.

Jennifer Lopez Putting Her Booty to Work for BodyLab

I don’t know exactly what BodyLab is, but I’m going to guess it’s a not inexpensive formula for women to look like Jennifer Lopez in their 40′s. If only that kind of magical elixir really could be bottled. I’d probably mix some into my Yoohoo and vodkas in the evenings. But, alas, an asstatic and amazingly alluring body like Jennifer’s only can be granted directly from heaven. Though that didn’t stop BodyLab from paying Jennifer to look her darndest pimping their product. And she absolutely looks her darndest.

As Thanksgiving rolls around, it’s always a good time to ponder those things that mean the most to you in your life. Family, friends, well-being, bounty, and booty. In no particular order if it’s my list. J-Lo’s mighty Latina thumper, oh, that definitely blossoms forth from the cornucopia of my dreams. Enjoy.

Jennifer Lawrence Caught In Acting Class, That’s Not Really a Scandal

I could spend three hours mesmerized watching Jennifer Lawrence clip her toe nails. Not quite as exciting perhaps as seeing her slink around topless in photos I admit to nobody that I saw seventeen times over to date. The point is, Jennifer Lawrence is the ultimate girl next door. Only she doesn’t live next door to me. Gretta, the tranny wig model does. She’s less ultimate though I might say a very good foosball partner fill-in when money is on the line.

Jennifer Lawrence still works her craft, studies, and occasionally if we’re lucky, gets snapped at her acting school, continuing her education and making me wish I’d never dropped out of drama after six grade when Susan Klingman told me I smelled like burritos. That was my scent at the time, so not unexpected. I bet working romantic scenes would be much finer with Jennifer. She probably loves burritos too. We could make love for the classroom and receive an ‘A’ for getting lost in character, if not many laws of nature. Happy face. Sad face. Emote. Counter-emote. I’m good to go. Enjoy.

Michelle Lewin Bikini Pictures Asstastic Readiness for the Coming Winter Solstice

I really just see my own words coming to fruition here by the minute. Is the competition heating up already in Miami for best bikini body? Oh, yes, it’s already en fuego. Michelle Lewin is staking out her territory of the worked out, yoked out, curvaceous asstastic model types. The competition is rough, but Michelle looks more than ready for anything that might come her way, including the glances of gentlemen oglers peeking her readily abundant taut female form.

What’s clear to me is that this is going to be the best winter yet in Miami. It’s all been leading up to this. Like the perfect storm of the bikini sextastic. Also, I realize I’m going to need new binoculars and an enhanced brush and local flora disguise to blend in to the background as these luscious legs, ample thumpers, and precious pert ta-ta’s walk endlessly by. So much to do, so little time. The work doesn’t scare me, just the humiliating public boners. Nature made me this way! Enjoy.