Oh, man, you know how much me and fifty million other guys so dig Mellisa Clarke. Every new pictorial that arrives from the alt-brunette glamour hottie is like a tingle up an entirely new nerve chain from the eyeballs down to the other places where the nervous system branches.

Featured in a spectacular red and black lingerie striptease show, Mellisa knows how to do very little, to say so very much with her spectacular body and her alluring girl-next-door-you-wish-really-existed looks. One total package of visual wonderment I can never wait to unwrap. Enjoy.

(Be sure to check out a ton more Mellisa Clarke on her official site.)

I appreciate all Egotastic! readers, each and everyone of you lascivious mofos, but I do have a special affinity for our friends from South America who both falsely compliment my still in progress Spanish language skills while simultaneously chastising me for omitting public adulation for their particular native favorite hottie.

Like 'Lucas' down Argentina way who wanted to give me a little kick in the pants for neglecting sweet celebrity model Celeste Muriega. Seeing Celeste quite without many clothes in this rather sultry photoshoot, I can see why Lucas was so dismayed. Dismay no longer, mi amigo, for the glory that is the body sextastic of Celeste Muriega now becomes part of the Egotastic! visual lexicon. Forever. Or until my $35 hard drive goes belly up again. Enjoy.

ARGENTINEAN WOMEN MOST DEFINITELY PLAY THEIR PART ON EGOTASTIC!

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Sometimes, I feel guilty that I compel two beautiful women into the ring to remove their tops and face off, err, chest off, against one another in a primal Page 3 Battle of the Boobtastic. But, that shameful feeling quickly passes as I return to mostly just pure exhilaration at the sight of two outrageously hot women with nipples pointed at each other in attack mode. Sometimes, you've got to ease the guilt to the back.

This week's peachy contest pits hot blonde Nicole Neal against the alluring Amii Grove. Two girls for whom I'd rip out a kidney just to get five minutes alone with in a broom closet. Either. Or, both. But, no, not today. Today there can be only one. So, the question is put to you, who's ta-ta's reign supreme?

NICOLE NEAL WITH SOME CLOTHES ON -- STILL WICKED HOT

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AMII GROVE WAS A WINNER IN HER VERY FIRST B.O.B.

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Well, yesterday was all about Miranda Kerr candid topless pictures, today, let's keep the Miranda Kerr topless goodness bandwagon rolling with a couple shots of the uber-sextastic modeling mama in Vogue Italy this month. Yes, certainly a little less candid than yesterday, but still Miranda, still super hot.

And might we add that since parting ways with Victoria's Secret, well, it appears as if Miranda is venturing out a bit more scantily than before, including flashing her bingo bongos now on a couple occasions just this month. Could this be a sign of continued risque things to come from Miranda? I sure as hell hope so. Enjoy.

Count me in that crowd, most definitely. Though I will admit many of you out there are bigger Jodie Marsh fans than I, we never miss an opportunity to bring you a controversial nekkid inked up former body building boobtastic glamour model when we get the chance. I mean, it's kind of why we exist.

Featured in the new edition of the wicked Zoo magazine, Jodie Marsh shows that the definition of a perfect body is quite broad, expansive, and like her own chest, rather ginormous. For those that love the naughty, you must lust Jodie Marsh. The rest of you can pretend you don't while checking back several times to confirm. Enjoy.

(Be sure to check out a bevy of topless goodness in the Jodie Marsh archive on ZooToday.com)

Can it be the middle of the week already. It seems like I just got behind my computer with a Valu-Pak of Enternmann's mini-donuts and a half-tanked bottle of Jim Beam on Monday morning. How time flies when you're looking at some killer bodies. Though, none bodies perhaps more curvaceously ripe than Jodie Gasson, who I turn to in times of trouble, times of need, or just any time I can get the bathroom to myself for five minutes.

I feel like a photo of Jodie Gasson could be used in the dictionary in the place of the much longer written definition of 'woman'. It's what I'd use to explain to an alien genderless race visiting our planet what consumes the thoughts of men on this planet. And when Jodie gets to her teasy stripping to reveal her boobtastic wonderments, well, I'm guessing even the aliens would sprout their first wood. The sextastic is truly universal. Huzzah!

(Check out much more Jodie Gasson skin-filled goodness at JodieGasson.com)

So maybe I had to spend my rent money acquiring these photos. A man can live without a roof, but he can not survive without Miranda Kerr topless pictures, full frontal, bold, beautiful, sextastic. I really think I'm going to cry. A crying homeless blogger is a wretched sight, the exact opposite of the visual glory that is Miranda Kerr with her top down.

Caught on the set of her first post-Victoria's Secret career swimsuit shoot, the MILFtastic Miranda Kerr displayed her perfect peaches in a manner we've not really seen so candidly before. Like mana from heaven, two wonderful manas. And, I think, worth the wait. Thanks for sticking with us. Enjoy.

ON A RECENT PHOTOSHOOT DOWN UNDER, MIRANDA FLASHED HER UNDERSIDE

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Jess Davies really needs some solid attention from the gentleman oglers and Sapphic leaning female audience of Egotastic! This blonde boobtastic bombshell continues to shine in pictorials featuring her ridiculously sextastic body and the underrated skill of perfect hand placement in glamour photoshoots. Where to put the hands? Often a problem. The innately skilled like Jess know precisely where to place the digits.

On Tuesdays when we bow down and peek up at all that is inflated to precisely the right size, we certainly took note of Jess Davies, a simply black thong, and all the adult Disneyland type dreams that come from imagining the places in or around her Fantasyland. Bless you, Jess. Enjoy.

(For a ton more Jess Davies hotness, check out the Jess Davies official website.)

I once saw somebody with a very big number of letters in their degree on daytime TV say that the more you love somebody, the prettier they become to you. It's been proven with science. Then all the ladies in the audience nodded their heads and agreed. And I shook my bowl of Fruity Pebbles in concurrence.

But I was thinking lust, not love. For clearly the more I lust a sweet hot ginger with the body faptastic like Lucy Collett, she surely seems to be getting prettier and prettier. I think that daytime female relationship expert was on to something, and maybe even without the aid of seeing such simply majesty as Lucy removing her white top over her ginger topped bodacious body to release her championship hounds.

Everybody seeks out the perfect relationship in life. A companion for the ages that fits you like a glove. I'll take Lucy Collett, and, yes, I will fit the glove. Enjoy.

Well, Monday's almost come to a close here, but there's no way we're not capping all the glorious celebrity skin from today with a treat from the boobtastic and beautiful Beth Humphrehys, and these glorious outtakes from her recent Nuts photoshoot.

Beth has that girl next door look to her, that is, if you happen to live next door to a smoking hot busty young brunette who likes to prance around in her underwear or less. And, if you do, please, invite me over. Mammarial Monday is a day to dream like no other. And, right now, I'm dreaming about Beth Humphreys, a bottle of chilled champagne, and the warm desires of a man who spends way too much time looking at nekkid women all day long. Enjoy.

Welcome back, Game of Thrones. Okay, so it didn't really go anywhere, but it has been a whole week without so much as a beheading, a blood letting, or, most importantly, some sweet bare boobtastic on the small screen courtesy of some medieval hotties like Emilia Clarke and Carice Van Houten, both of whom showed off their tubular tops on this week's episode.

Joining the gals from GOT in the Boob Tube Roundup is Thandie Newton, once again nekkid in Rogue (though mighty bloody too, be forewarned) and a few shots of some chained heat style toplessness from the new Australian show Wentworth. Okay, it's actually a reboot of a previous chicks in jail show called The Prisoner, but, the topless goodies are all quite new. Check it all out. Small screen, big payload. Enjoy.

It's a weird phenomenon that many adult film stars are quite shy and timid about attention in public when not at their more showy type jobs. Once they punch out, so to speak, it's back to normal, quiet, wallflower time. But Latina adult film star Kiara Mia is no wallflower. Nope.

She and her gal pal took off their bikini tops on Miami Beach over the weekend to get some almost all over tanning time in. Or, if you're more cynical, took the opportunity to get attention from flashing their master blasters.

In any case, who are we to question motives when bare boobs are flashing on the beach? Never look a gift horse in the mouth or a bare boob in the eye? Hmm, that one needs some re-working. Enjoy.

OUR BELUSTED ROSIE JONES ALSO DROPPED HER TOP ON MIAMI BEACH

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To be fair, my feeble elderly eyes can't say for sure that Eva Longoria is completely bare down there, and by that, I mean bereft of panties. There may be some translucent undergarment type thing. Either way, I think it's fair to say Eva is most definitely bare down there in the Brazilian waxing sense of the word. Additionally, the photos may indicate that Eva is experiencing that time of the month and utilizing methods that Carrie did not know available when she was in the shower. But, again, hard to say for sure. I'll leave that to the CSI Egotastic! volunteer army out there.

So goes Cannes. Where the rain could not step the A-list celebrities from wearing designer gowns up the red carpeted step to their various photo lines and movie premieres. Eva Longoria and her slit dress were there for the showing of Jimmy P. (Psychotherapy Of A Plains Indian) which I would go and look up what it is, and will, as soon as I stop looking at Eva's cooch. So maybe like another two hours.

Eva Longoria wardrobe malfunctions are happening more and more these days. I can only assume Eva is trying to tell us something. Or, maybe prayers just really are answered. I'll accept either, while I continue to stare. Enjoy.

Like sands through the hourglass, good people. Another week has passed us by. Another five day stretch of celebrity skin and feel-good visuals that ought to leave you primed for your weekend, if not a bit weak in the knees. There's plain old tired and then there's good tired. We want to leave you feeling the latter on your Friday, a day we give our final salute to all things holy hot and filled with love, like the most glorious globes of naughty brunettes Sammy Braddy and Alice Goodwin, having a little playtime funtime in your honor.

Two desperately hot and bodacious brunettes just hanging out, feeling up, and looking good. What could be better? Oh, yeah, you being the oil man in the photo shoot. Granted. But, for today, for right now, in this moment, be the ogling gentleman or Sapphic leaning lady you were meant to be and take it all in. It's a handful, or mouthful, depending upon your level of ambition. Thank God It's Funbags!

I have this dream where I invite several of my very favorite British style glamour models to my abode for an afternoon of Earl Grey and raunchy stripping. Then I snap back to reality to find the BBW sisters from down the hall eating all my Cool Ranch Doritos and sitting on my couch watching Animal Planet. Real life can be such a harsh slap in the face.

Thankfully, I have i-D magazine and their glorious tribute to all things hot and boobtastic and British with a topless complication pictorial of Rosie Jones, Courtnie Quinlan, Nicole Neal, Lacey Bangard, and Sabine Jemeljanova as a virtual lust-filled escape hatch from the doldrums of my apartment complex living. It's quite the array into the foray of all things plump and juicy in the chest puppy department. Yet, classy, cool, and chic. I think I dig. I dig very much. Enjoy.

Sure you got your big summer blockbusters coming out now, but how many of those billion dollar box office films are going to show you the slightest hint of bare ta's? Well, the short answer, and I guess the long answer too is, none. A sad state of affairs in popular cinema. But, thanks to our friends at Mr. Skin, we have a lovely little roadmap for alt-cinematic options that bare some quite delightful amounts of celebrity skin.

This week's Mr. Skin Minute features the delicious Alice Eve not topless in Star Trek Into Darkness, but fully flashing in Crossing Over, Lake Bell and Katie Aselton camping nekkid in Black Rock now on Blu-Ray, and another  recap of the best of the bare boobtastic on HBO and Showtime this past weekend. It's a lot of fun with celebrity funbags. Enjoy.

(And, do not forget your very own Mr. Skin membership to dazzle the ladies and inspire jealousy among your compadres.)

This has been a fun week. Maybe not as fun as meeting Backdoor Teen Mom last week, but more fun than meeting your dentist and watching him make the tsk-tsk face that you ought not give another person past the age of 10. Right there in the middle. And at the end of the middle is Friday, the holiest of days in the Egotastic! week, when we complete the ritualist ogling of the sextastic celebrities with a roundup of flesh and more flesh provided by you, the most educated readership of any celebrity site on the world wide web. Today, is your day. Nekkid populi.

This week's Reader Finds includes the delicious Amii Grove posing topless for Page 3 (thank you to EgoReader 'James'), classic throwback to topless teen Demi Moore and Michelle Johnson in Blame It On Rio (sweet find from 'Raoul'), Vanessa Hudgens innocently hot in Brian Bowen photoshoot (good tidings from 'Estev'), the underrated Marion Cotillard topless in Taxi (delivered this day by 'Owen'), Selena Gomez bikini still from Spring Breakers (courtesy of 'Anon.'), Romina Senesi skinny topless Argentine (from 'Glib' who knows we love our Sudamericanas), Nicole Neal and India Reynolds girl buddy buddy and topless for Nuts (thirst officially slaked by 'Kevin'), Hungarian gloriously sextastic model vixen Renata Hada (stellar contribution from afar by 'Jiro'), Annina Ucatis topless on Big Brother Germany (fancy tickled by 'Thommas'), Adriana Lima serious camel toe (revealed by the oft-contributing 'Pito), a very nekkid Gwyneth Paltrow (insisted upon by 'Ken S.'), SyFy's very own Jane Riley very nekkid and self-shot (no clear face but 'Hector B.' insists it's Jane, looks kinda right), Hayden Panettiere rooting on her man with cleave (kudos to 'Lugh'), more Selena Gomez laying across a bed goodness (thank you kindly 'Michael G.'), and, last, but not last, a purported nekkid shot of Game of Thrones giantess, Gwendoline Christie by photographer Polly Borland (transmitted by 'Matthew B.'). Now, that is what I call a hodgepodge of honeys! Enjoy.

Thanks to EgoReader 'Henr'y for making us even more jealous of Charlie Sheen, a man you think would've run out of ways to make the ordinary gent jealous long ago. But, nay. Meet Georgia Jones. She works in mature themed entertainment as do many of Charlie's short-lived flings (in fact, who knows, he already may be broken up with her by the time I hit 'publish').

But, there's no denying she has certain qualities we would all want in a girlfriend. Like, hot, sextastic, porny goodness. Not that that's the be-all end-all in the female gender. But it's definitely in the top ten list of archetypes. Enjoy.

Wow, this must be what those parents who have kids playing on opposing pro sports teams feel in those games where their offspring go head to head. Who to root for? You're going to have to turn your back on one of your favorites at some point, watch them lower the head into their hands, and still all the while take joy in the triumph of your winning progeny. Precisely why I intend to have athletically untalented children. I couldn't bear it.

But equally hard for me is a Page 3 Battle of the Boobtastic between two of my absolutely all-time darlings. The alt-brunette supreme queen Mellisa Clarke, and Holly Peers, whose amazing funbags I feel like I've imagined fondling since before my balls dropped. I can not make a choice. And, luckily, I don't have to. That burden falls on you. So, as difficult as it is, I ask you, who's ta-ta's reign supreme?

MORE MELLISA CLARKE HOTNESS TO HELP YOU DECIDE

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WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, VOTE AGAINST HOLLY PEERS FUNBAGS?

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We really love when we get to see Candice Swanepoel modeling outside her traditional Victoria's Secret work. Not that that's exactly the chump change of visuals. But it's always nice to see what happens to Candice in the hands and camera-direction of a slightly more mature Euro stylings, as these revealing topless photos of her from Interview magazine in Germany.

Now, we know Candice is not shy about her body or showing it off. And we know that we are not shy about leering at her body as she shows it off. It seems like we have a match. A tad bit stylized and artsy for our tastes, but Candice topless anything and the rest doesn't really matter much. Enjoy.

CANDICE DOES LOVE TO GET TOPLESS FOR THE ARTSY PROJECTS 

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