Back to Business on Egotastic!


Thank you for your patience during one crappy server malaise in March. Fixes nearly complete. The Fantasy Land of Funbags is open again.

- Bill

Shit Show Almost Fixed

I apologize for the extended season of errors on the site. The best I can tell you is sacrifices must be made when running a free site these days. We don’t get the gold service package, we get the bronze, more like polished tin. The errors you have been seeing when nobly trying to view super attractive women will be gone soon. I can’t promise something else won’t bust on this lovable jalopy, but try to keep your eyes focused on the prize. Prizes.

I’ll keep the content coming if you can allow for just a bit more patience. Actually, I’ll keep the content coming either way. This is kind of all I ever wanted to do in life. Enjoy.


Egotastic! Summer Intern Program

Here’s something I can promise you as an Egotastic! summer intern. I will turn you into a man. Even if you’re a girl, that’ll likely happen. Since 1911, the Egotastic! summer internship program has provided enrolled students at some kind of vaguely accredited schools the chance to stretch the limits of their skills, not to mention their integrity. The video above really does the best job of explaining how most interships work out here.

If you’re interested in toiling completely for free this summer in the 90210, send a letter about yourself and something resembling a resume to editor(at) Don’t send a photo unless you’re extremely attractive and your folks gave you a girls name. It won’t necessarily help in being selected, but as Grandpappy Jeremiah was fond of saying, yummy bummy for me tummy. It never made sense, but he left me his teeth. Enjoy.

(By way of musts, you must fund yourself living in L.A., you must be enrolled in a school, and you must have almost no shame, complete lack of shame to the front of the line, complete lack of shame and a hot mom who visits too often, very front..)

We’re Working Out More Kinks


Thank you for all your helpful and hurtful complaint messages about the servers on this site. Please know we are working on improving. The basic problem is we have big ass traffic with a small ass budget for working parts. Like a large man trying to squeeze into a tiny Speedo, technology has yet to come up with a perfect solution for keeping our nuts from hanging out. We are working on it and should have most of the disheartening error messages banished soon. We want your experience to be carefree and enjoyable here at the Disneyland of Skin, so keep your hands inside the ride and we’ll get to fine tuning the broken bits.

Thanks for your patience.

Bill Swift.

P.S. Did you see Charlotte McKinney’s pretty panties? We are so much better than Disneyland.

Battling the Elements in Style


So maybe you’re in the northeastern part of the United States this winter and you faced with the dual challenge of wanting to be the stylish hipster/bro you’ve always been and consumed by the overwhelming human desire to avoid freezing your chest hairs off. This is where Carhartt, one of the oldest purveyors of serious outdoor gear in the history of outdoor gear, comes in as savior with their most recent Quick Duck Harbor Jacket. .

When we say serious outdoor gear, we mean it. The Quick Duck Harbor is somehow breathable and waterproof at the same time. Human beings, let alone fish, can’t even be described as both breathable and waterproof. This jacked does that and looks damn good doing it.

For you bearded, bespectacled coffee-swillers out there Carhartt’s Quick Duck Harbor is the type of clothing item that gives you a great excuse to prattle on about something that’s genuinely cool. Most likely your audience will be as annoyed by your Carhartt Quick Duck Harbor jacket monologue as they are when you start explaining the origins of Pabst Blue Ribbon or Google Glass, but that’s not the jacket’s fault. This piece of outdoor gear is solid with specially designed storm cuffs that keep your long sleeved shirt from scrunching up your arms whilst still keeping out all of that harsh cold air. More importantly, this Carhartt gear will do more to supplements your macho manly bona fides than anything else you’ve done over the last 12 months because dumping out your cat’s kitty litter just doesn’t cut it as an outdoor activity anymore.

While Our Contact Form and Stars Are Broken….


You can reach me and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in my bedroom at AskBillSwift(at) Please don’t pass that around to your dummy friends. You know who I’m talking about. Jason Statham. I’m drinking your milkshake.

Also,  until we can fix this full-sized star issue on the full-size photos, there will be no stars on any photos! That’s how I roll. I’m not vanilla. I’m chocolate, with nuts, and sprinkles. All or nothing. You must have your bare funbags or else we’d be less special. And you would be more sad. Thanks!


SITE NEWS: We’re Bulging and Need More Space


We’re growing something fierce here on Egotastic and every now and then we need more room. Kind of like when you live in a tiny apartment and you eat lots of salted snack foods and one day you realize you need a bigger place. We’re moving onto bigger servers. This will take anywhere up to about the next 24 hours. Meaning, you won’t see any new content posted, but you will still have access to oh, about 9.8 years worth of every goody goody lady gumdrop ever in Tinsel Town.

This message will self-destruct when we’re back live. Now, I’m off to work on my Skee-Ball game. Be back soon with a stuffed animal and four bubble blowers.