Better Wang Physics In Games Were a Schlong Time Coming

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chris-littlechild - July 21, 2015

Mondays, as we all know, suck ass. You'll tread barefoot on one of your kids' stray legos as you get out of bed, find that the other got the craptacular toy out of the cereal box just before you got to it, then head off for a 7am meeting involving two hours of pie charts, graphs and buzzwords. Just to, y'know, keep you on your usual Monday schedule of wanting to kill yourself by 9 in the morning.

Sure, we all say it every week, but that's because it just gets truer every week: Mondays are wank. So when the best gaming news story of the day turns out to be a filthy, filthy lie (albeit a completely ridiculous and blatant one), it's no surprise. Just Monday being Monday, ruining everyone's fun again.

On the other hand, a dick joke is a dick joke, and they're always welcome.

What with Dead or Alive and all, jiggling jugs have had far too much time in the spotlight. 'Breast physics' are an actual thing now, wherein developers try to perfect realistic norktastic movement (or ignore realism entirely and go for the wobbly-as-two-jello-desserts-in-a-tornado effect, in Dead or Alive's case). But what about dick physics? It's called gender equality, guys and gals.

Which leads us to the joke news article, concerning an upcoming update to NVIDIA's PhysX (which isn't a thing) which adds the most advanced dick physics you ever saw. Check out the piece here, via Destructoid's mock news crew. If only for such lines as 'Now development teams will be able to easily make true to life penises in a variety of different sizes, from the Michael Fassbender to the wet Jude Law' and '"We've had a team of coders dedicate themselves over the past 12 months to nothing but dick. For them, it's been breakfast? Dick. Lunch? Dick. Dinner? Dick. They have lived and breathed dick every moment since they started on the project.'

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