Sam Robeson - January 26, 2018
I hereby sentence Bella Thorne to life in prison without lipgloss and cocaine for the most heinous rap case this court has seen since Iggy Azalea crawled out of a bin of rejected doll parts. The sassy starlet is doing everything she can to shred whatever semblance of a reputation she once had for being such a talented... hooker(?)... and not only raps in a new song, but raps in a new song featuring such hardcore nobodies that filing this under "celebrities" seems like false advertising. If only we had a category for "condoms full of diarrhea."
The video is courteous enough to warn us at the beginning that it's directed by Bella Thorne, and that if you persist past that point you will die in seven days. That second part is still unproven, but Thorne is indeed identified as the director, which explains why everything looks sticky. About 45 seconds in, Thorne shows off her slack-jawed Ambien-fueled rapping prowess, slurring the lyrics:
Bitch, I'm Bella Thorne, the girl your man adore
All the heads turn when I walk through the door
Everything I do causes an uproar
Seems like I'm winning but who's keeping score (me)
If I roll a blunt, that shit's so thick
Puff, puff, pass, wait, let me take another hit
Your man's stuttering like Porky the Pig
He double tap my pic cause my ass so big
Nope. Now prep yourself to be rapped by Thorne in the video, because if this isn't a crime, I don't know what is.
Photo Credit: YouTube / Instagram
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