Behold The Horror Of Guy Fieri Erotica

A lot of people suck in this world. Many of those people also have TV shows. But no one in the history of mankind has sucked as much as Guy Fieri. This homunculus knuckle-dragger is a multimillionaire with his annoying TV shows and disgusting chain of restaurants. What in the name of all that is holy is Donkey Sauce and why does he put it on everything. We as a nation should agree to come together and exile him to a desert island where he can't cook or frost his tips. He's like that fat guy at the downmarket frat that always managed to puke on himself by the end of the party. So, it is with some concern and confusion that I now learn that there is Guy Fieri inspired erotica. Not written by him, ABOUT him. This little nugget of gross called "Frosted Tips" was written by Lana Adler and Talia Lavin. In it, Fieri has sex with Ted Cruz. Yes, the senator and former presidential candidate. Here's a sample,

"He slipped his mirrored sunglasses from the pocket of his Hawaiian shirt, flipped up the lapels of his red leather vest, and strode out, his testicles as pendulous and winkled as his sour cream-laden tripled loaded baked potatoes. Cruz licked his thin, disquieting lips, attempting to dislodge the white ooze that had congealed there in his panic. Little did he know, that was not the only white ooze he would be dislodging on this fateful night. Amidst the soft filth-beds of over-salted linguine, the dried rivers of donkey and bluesabbi sauce covering their thrusting bodies, like the fluid of the womb. And thrust they did, their quivering flesh truly a sight of horrors that would melt the face of any onlooker with its pasty glare. Cruz, his face a mess of Fieri’s donkey love sauce... slammed his throbbing American flagpole—his horrible, horrible, horrible throbbing American flagpole, against Fieri’s prone and rippling flanks."

Politics aside, no one deserves having sex with Guy Fieri. Not even Guy Fieri. I feel bad that he has to jerk himself off, that's how terrible Guy Fieri is.