Awesomely Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Machete Kills

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Michael Garcia - October 24, 2016

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There may be no bigger badass on the Earth than Danny Trejo. The gang member turned Hollywood star is just plain awesome. He's had an amazing career over the last twenty years playing "scary Mexican guy". It was Robert Rodriguez who finally gave Danny a chance to shine in what was supposed to be a fake trailer in front of Grindhouse in which he played a vigilante named Machete. There was such a furor of desire to see this movie made that Rodriguez made the first Machete movie. It quickly became a cult classic. Inevitably, we knew that Machete would return to kill people by the hundreds with a machete. The result is Machete Kills, which is truly an awesomely horrible film. It's bad but oh so good.

The film starts with Machete and his girlfriend Jessica Alba working to take down an evil drug cartel. Alba is killed and Machete is sad. Machete is then arrested by a corrupt cop who tries to hang him but is ordered to release him on the order of president Carlos Estevez (Charlie Sheen). The president sends Machete on a mission to stop a crazed revolutionary dude named Mendez (Demian Bichir) intent on launching missiles at the U.S. unless they intervene battling the Mexican drug cartels. Machete travels to Mexico where he meets Vanessa Hudgens and Sofia Vergara as a mad madame of a whore house. Sofia tries to kill Machete so he escapes. He learns that the launch sequence to the missiles are connected to Mendez's heart, making it impossible for Machete to kill him. A hit is put out on Machete's head and Sofia tries to cash in with her boob guns. Machete captures Mendez and is taking him to the U.S. to get the bomb disarmed by the missiles' creator Mel Gibson. Then Machete and Mendez are shot but Mel preserves Mendez's heart in a jar. Mel wants to make super soldier clones from Machete so he escapes with the help of his old friend Michelle Rodriguez. A big fight ensues in which the missile is accidentally launched and Machete has to jump on it and disarm it in the air. Meanwhile Mel launches himself into space. The missile falls in the Rio Grande and Machete is rescued by president Charlie Sheen. He then assigns Machete to go into space and kill Mel Gibson with a laser machete lightsaber. Cliff hanger!

Look, the movie is asinine. But it doesn't pretend to be anything other than a violent action film with Hispanics. The one thing that bothered me is that it did get politically heavy handed sometimes with the drug cartel thing in the same way that the first one did with immigration. Still, if you like Danny Trejo killing people and Sofia Vergara shooting bullets from her boobies, this movie is for you.

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