Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.
Harrison Ford fake lost it on Jimmy Kimmel when confronted by his old sidekick Chewbacca. The video starts out with Ford telling Kimmel he can't discuss Star Wars at all. When they go to the audience for questions, Star Wars fans have nothing to say. Then Chewbacca comes to the mic and things get heated. It's pretty darn funny and all but it did make me think about the mixed feelings Ford, Hamill, and Fisher must feel for Star Wars. On the one hand they would be nobody without these films that they made in their 20's 35 years ago. Not only did it launch their careers but it has made them immortal. We are on 4 generations of Star Wars fans. But they don't even own the rights to their own faces. Every time they look in the mirror they owe Lucasfilm/Disney some cash. Also it is ALL anyone wants to talk about, or in Ford's case that and Indiana Jones. Carrie Fisher is one of the most important screenplay punch-up writers in Hollywood and had a hit Broadway show last year. Hamill is a hugely prolific voice talent who has played everyone from the Joker to random commercial spokesmen. Ford has been in some truly great films. No one cares. It's all about Star Wars.
On the other hand they are all millionaires and stand to make a f*ck-ton off of the new Star Wars films, so screw them.
The great Richard LeParmentier died yesterday. You don't know who that is? He played Admiral Motti in Star Wars. Still don't know who he is? He's the guy who has the brass Death Stars to make fun of Darth Vader and gets force choked for it. It's one of the most memorable scenes in the original trilogy, if you think about it. How many of us have imagined that we were strangling a colleague from across the room using only our minds? All of us have. It's an important moment in the film because as LaParmentier boasts about the technological powers of the Death Star, Vader reminds him that there are higher powers...that can kill you even better. It foreshadows Luke's later destruction of the Death Star using the Force. It also cues us in on how dangerous Vader really is. Sure, LaParmentier was never in anything anywhere nearly as successful as Star Wars. You might say that makes him a failure. But does it?
When I told you where you know him from it immediately came to your mind. He's eternal, even if he's not one with the Force because of his disturbing lack of faith. Most actors never get the chance to do anything substantial much less be in a memorable scene in one of the most beloved films of all time. It's like when people make fun of one hit wonders. It's easy to make fun of Dexy's Midnight Runners but "Come on Eileen" is a classic. Besides, how many hits have you had? Same with LaParmentier. Is it better to be forgotten or to live forever as the d-bag Darth Vader tries to kill for insulting his religion?
We all love Tommy Lee Jones. Who can forget his role in The Fugitive or in last year's Lincoln? But the guy has made 72 films so he was bound to make a few stinkers. The worst would probably be his turn as Two Face in the abomination known as Batman Forever. But somewhere near the bottom of his storied career is this little turd called Black Moon Rising. It's one of those films that was made to capitalize on the success of other movies/shows, in this case Knight Rider. It has fast technologically advanced cars, vaguely evil bad guys, and he wears a leather jacket that is way too tight. The film also stars Linda Hamilton when she was still really hot and scenery chewing future insurance salesman Robert Vaughn. It's eightiesarific and hurts so good.
Tommy plays a thief who is sent to steal some data tapes from a computer place for reasons that are never really explained. When some other dudes that, I guess, are also looking for the tapes come after him, he hides the tape in the weird license plate pocket of an experimental car he sees at a gas station. This is the titular Black Moon. It looks like a cheap knock-off Mexican toy version of the DeLorean from Back To The Future made out of old egg crates and toxic lead paint. But Tommy needs to get the tape back or Bubba Smith, (the former football player famous for playing Hightower in the Police Academy sage), is going to kill him. Unfortunately, Linda Hamilton steals the car and takes it to a secret chop shop/evil lair in a high rise that is under construction. The building is owned by the Robert Vaughn who has goons steal cars so he can sell them to shady characters. Why I guy that can afford to build skyscrapers would bother with selling stolen cars is besides the point. Tommy seduces Lina Hamilton, (because who can resist that face?), and they come up with a plan to steal the car. Linda is tired of Robert Vaughn trying to have sexual relations with her. I imagine that Robert Vaughn's penis looks like a miniature version of him with his face and hair at the top. Who wouldn't be scared of that? The movie ends with a car chase in the building (!) and a lot of physics defying car stunts. Dear God it's so terrible/awesome.
The script doesn't make any sense. The cool car that is featured is neither cool nor does it have that much screen time. It would be like only seeing KITT for 3 minutes of an episode of Knight Rider. We're supposed to believe that Tommy is a sexy badass, which just doesn't work. I'll buy the badass part, but I don't care how low he unbuttons his shirt or wears tight pants and leather jackets he's still an ugly redneck from the Texas hill country. There is no way he would nab Linda Hamilton. Unless he too has a weird penis with his face at the top. I can see that if Linda Hamilton only had the choice of a Robert Vaughn topped penis or the Tommy Lee Jones topped penis she'd choose Tommy. Robert Vaughn's brylcreemed hair probably hurts. The effects are laughable, like something 15 year olds making an action movie with an iPhone might make. That being said, if you want to turn off your brain completely and enjoy some utterly fantastic 80's garbage, Black Moon Rising is for you.
The Kool-Aid Man is back...sort of. The Kraft food corporation, which owns Kool-Aid, has decided to unleash a new version of the classic talking pitcher of red deliciousness. The old Kool-Aid man was morbidly obese...probably because he is almost 50% sugar. The new guy is skinnier, probably to convince people Kool-Aid isn't horrible for your health. He also talks a lot. Kraft says he has an "undeniably fun personality." The old Kool-Aid Man pretty much only said "Oh Yeah!" as he busted through a wall. This Kool-Aid Man says stupid s%#t like, "I put my pants on one leg at a time. Except my pants are 22 different flavors. I've got grape pants, I've got watermelon pants." He's also not a dude in a suit anymore, he's CGI. I'm sure he'll be doing some stupid out-of-date dance that the 50 year-old ad execs thinks is still cool. Lame.
Why must must ad people ruin everything? First of all, I friggin' love Kool-Aid. It's delicious. I'd like to pretend that I'm too old and too enlightened about how it's all chemicals to not want it. But that would be a lie. There is NOTHING better on a hot summer day than an ice cold glass of Kool-Aid. Secondly, I like the old Kool-Aid man. He was fun and brash. He broke things and brought people refreshing beverages. And as you'll see in the above video, he also stops crime. Can a CGI person physically arrest criminals? No.
I've been mining the the depths of crap that make up Netflix Instant for the most enjoyable caca around for a couple of months now and I think I've reached the singularity of badness: Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Unlike some of my other entries that are just under appreciated or good natured fun, this is a truly awful movie. On the surface it seems like it's just a crappy take on Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds in that both films involve our feathered friends turning on us and taking over. Only the actual 'birdemic' doesn't happen until almost an hour into the movie and then only intermittently becomes important. Every time the terribly rendered CGI birds show up to flap awkwardly over the "actors" you sort of think, "Oh yeah, this movie is about birds attacking humans. I just thought it was a bunch of people driving around aimlessly." However, if you like truly bad movies that have zero production value then Birdemic: Shock and Terror is for you.
The writer/director James Nguyen was a software salesman working in northern California before he decided to become a filmmaker. This becomes apparent when we meet the main character Rod...who is a software salesman working in Northern California. He talks about the software business a lot in the movie. In fact, there might be more screen time spent on the ins and outs of the software game then on the whole birds suddenly attacking people thing. That and lots and lots of real time driving and parking scenes. Anyway, Rod begins dating a model who delivers her lines as if she just stepped out of the OR after a lobotomy. AN HOUR into the movie, the birds finally attack. They are mostly eagles and buzzards rendered in CGI so bad that it looks like it was rendered by a 12 year old on an early computer modeling program running on Windows 95. The birds start attacking people, tearing out their throats and scratching them with their talons. I guess. It is all so badly done that I can only infer what these birds are doing. Rod and dumb girl escape along with some random people they meet and they find out from a weird hippie and a random professor that the birds, (who can explode on impact with things somehow), are targeting gas stations and power plants because the whole thing has something to do vaguely with global warming. Then, one day, the birds just fly away and stop attacking. What? Yes.
I just explained the plot to you as I understood it. Does that make sense to you? No? Well, believe me when I say that my explanation is more coherent than the one on the screen. But even that isn't the worst thing about this movie. Nor is it the fact that the audio is constantly going in and out. It isn't even the effects that make most sci-fi parody pornos look like Avatar. It's the acting. Forget delivering their lines, the actors look weird even walking down a sidewalk or drinking a glass of water. Every second is more awkward than a junior high dance at a nudist colony. It would be easy to dismiss this movie's badness by saying that it is 'supposed to be bad'. I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm pretty certain that Nguyen was trying to make a quality sci-fi/horror/romance. He failed in the sense that it is a terrible movie but on the other hand he finished it, got it distributed, and a sequel is premiering this month at The Tromadance Film Festival. There is also a fantastic version done by Rifftrax, which are a few guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000. In a way, guys like Nguyen are the only true indie filmmakers left. Is that a good thing? I don't know. What I do know is that this is a fun movie to watch with friends and copious amounts of alcohol.
It's Gonna Be Hard To Hit Play, With A Broken Finger...
Today is Steven Seagal's birthday and I just wanted to take this moment to say that I think he is one of the most underrated actors of the last 50 years. Yeah, I said it! In an industry that is so image conscious, here is a guy who's face looks not unlike a monkey's puckered butthole who achieved the heights of Hollywood stardom. Not even baldness fazed him. His hairline made a hasty retreat in 1992 and then stopped, his 4 remaining hairs cemented to his skull by the sheer force concentration from aikido powers. Why do people make fun of his acting skills? His line delivery is reminiscent of a young Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront or perhaps Squiggy in later episodes of Laverne and Shirley. And you want to talk range? This guy can play a renegade cop, an ex-CIA agent, a Navy Seal, an Indian, a karate master, a mob enforcer, a vampire hunter, or Steven Seagal in a reality series with equal ease. I'd like to see Tom Hanks do that!
When in doubt, Steven has been known to let his fists do the acting. The video above is a compilation of some of his best bar fight scenes. No one ever swung a pool cue at the heads of nameless goons like sensei Seagal.
You know when you buy a toy poodle and it turns out to be a ferret on steroids? No, of course you don't! Unless, that is, you go looking for a new family pet in an Argentine market. A dude in Buenos Aires did just that when he decided to not go to a pet store or shelter like a normal person and opted for a sleazy outdoor mercado. He bought what he believed to be a fluffy useless poodle. It turns out that the unscrupulous vendor had created a monstrous long-haired ferret by juicing him with 'roids. The new pet owner didn't realize the abomination was a rodent and not a fuzzy wuzzy puppy until he took him to the vet. OK, so the guy is an idiot as that CLEARLY isn't a dog. The ferret-dog is kind of cute though.
Sure, a dog is a more standard pet. But why do you want to have the same fluffy white dog as everyone else? When you take the hairy mutant ferret to the park he would be an instant conversation starter with the hot chicks that hang out at dog runs. The juiced up rat could be the best wingman ever! The video above is in Spanish, but the gist of it is that the market is notorious for selling ferrets as dogs. The old woman in the video tells of buying what she thought was a chihuahua at the market only to learn that it was a ferret. If you buy your pets from some shady dude at a Latin American market you get what you pay for. Caveat Emptor.
Egotastic
“You Wookie Son Of A Bitch!” – Harrison Ford
Harrison Ford fake lost it on Jimmy Kimmel when confronted by his old sidekick Chewbacca. The video starts out with Ford telling Kimmel he can't discuss Star Wars at all. When they go to the audience for questions, Star Wars fans have nothing to say. Then Chewbacca comes to the mic and things get heated. It's pretty darn funny and all but it did make me think about the mixed feelings Ford, Hamill, and Fisher must feel for Star Wars. On the one hand they would be nobody without these films that they made in their 20's 35 years ago. Not only did it launch their careers but it has made them immortal. We are on 4 generations of Star Wars fans. But they don't even own the rights to their own faces. Every time they look in the mirror they owe Lucasfilm/Disney some cash. Also it is ALL anyone wants to talk about, or in Ford's case that and Indiana Jones. Carrie Fisher is one of the most important screenplay punch-up writers in Hollywood and had a hit Broadway show last year. Hamill is a hugely prolific voice talent who has played everyone from the Joker to random commercial spokesmen. Ford has been in some truly great films. No one cares. It's all about Star Wars.
On the other hand they are all millionaires and stand to make a f*ck-ton off of the new Star Wars films, so screw them.