Jack TomasWebsite

Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

Michael Shannon Reads Insane Sorority Letter

By Jack Tomas | April 23, 2013 @ 9:34 am
Kneel Before Zod, Delta Gammas!

Michael Shannon is famous for playing intense characters like Agent Van Alden in Boardwalk Empire and General Zod in the upcoming Man of Steel. But that pales in comparison with his latest role as demented sorority president Rebecca Martinson. This micromanaging sociopath took out her frustrations with her Delta Gamma sisters in a viral email that is chock full of crazy. So, who else could give the letter the dramatic reading it deserves but Michael Shannon? He shows his acting chops in this clip in the ways he finds to vary the performance. In the hands of a lesser actor the reading would just be screamed the entire time. If you start out hot and don't find peaks in the line readings it can become overwhelming quick.

Shannon deserves and Oscar for this.

Michael Bay Finally Apologizes For “Armageddon”

By Jack Tomas | April 22, 2013 @ 1:29 pm

At last an apology has come for one of the greatest travesties of human history: the movie Armageddon. What makes it more poignant is the fact that it comes from the man most responsible for this abomination, Michael Bay. In an interview with The Miami Herald, Bay finally admitted that Armageddon may be one of the worst films of all time. It really is like a cinematic kick in the ballsack. Bay says:

“I will apologize for Armageddon, because we had to do the whole movie in 16 weeks. It was a massive undertaking. That was not fair to the movie. I would redo the entire third act if I could. But the studio literally took the movie away from us. It was terrible. My visual effects supervisor had a nervous breakdown, so I had to be in charge of that. I called James Cameron and asked ‘What do you do when you’re doing all the effects yourself?’ But the movie did fine."

Sure, he is shifting the blame to the studios and not to his own complete and total lack of talent, but at least it's something. Some might say that Ed Wood or Uwe Boll are the worst directors of all time. I have to go with Bay. If for nothing else because his films reach a much larger audience than Boll or Wood's craptacular dreck. Michael Bay's films have made billions of dollars. Armageddon alone earned 553,709,788 worldwide. So, am I being unfair? You might say that if a movie can amass that much revenue it's fine because people really seem to enjoy it. But does that make it good? Millions of people worldwide also enjoy heroin and dog fighting and you wouldn't say those things are good, right? Right.

Kudos to you Michael. I know admitting that Armageddon sucked was not easy for you.

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It’s Not A Good Day When You Have To Use Your AK…To Get Some Wings

By Jack Tomas | April 19, 2013 @ 11:14 am
And Extra Gravy Too Or I'll Shoot!

A man and his son pulled an AK-47 on a cashier at a chicken joint when the restaurant forgot to include their chicken wings. It's nice that fathers and sons still do things together. It seems Antonius Hart Sr. and Jr. were picking up some delicious Southern fried chicken from Memphis' Pirtle's Chicken, "It's down home delicious". When they drove away they examined their order and found that they did not include the promised chicken wings. So, they did the only thing you could do in that scenario and went back to the restaurant, pulled out an AK, demanded their wings, and some extra pieces for their trouble. Seems reasonable. Naturally they were arrested.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, always check your order BEFORE you drive away. This prevents these kinds of awkward situations from happening. While I certainly don't advocate this kind of behavior, I imagine that cashier will double check orders from now on.

“You Wookie Son Of A Bitch!” – Harrison Ford

By Jack Tomas | April 18, 2013 @ 12:52 pm
Watch Video

Harrison Ford fake lost it on Jimmy Kimmel when confronted by his old sidekick Chewbacca. The video starts out with Ford telling Kimmel he can't discuss Star Wars at all. When they go to the audience for questions, Star Wars fans have nothing to say. Then Chewbacca comes to the mic and things get heated. It's pretty darn funny and all but it did make me think about the mixed feelings Ford, Hamill, and Fisher must feel for Star Wars. On the one hand they would be nobody without these films that they made in their 20's 35 years ago. Not only did it launch their careers but it has made them immortal. We are on 4 generations of Star Wars fans. But they don't even own the rights to their own faces. Every time they look in the mirror they owe Lucasfilm/Disney some cash. Also it is ALL anyone wants to talk about, or in Ford's case that and Indiana Jones. Carrie Fisher is one of the most important screenplay punch-up writers in Hollywood and had a hit Broadway show last year. Hamill is a hugely prolific voice talent who has played everyone from the Joker to random commercial spokesmen. Ford has been in some truly great films. No one cares. It's all about Star Wars.

On the other hand they are all millionaires and stand to make a f*ck-ton off of the new Star Wars films, so screw them.

“Star Wars” Actor LeParmentier Dies, Not From Force Choke

By Jack Tomas | April 17, 2013 @ 11:53 am
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The great Richard LeParmentier died yesterday. You don't know who that is? He played Admiral Motti in Star Wars. Still don't know who he is? He's the guy who has the brass Death Stars to make fun of Darth Vader and gets force choked for it. It's one of the most memorable scenes in the original trilogy, if you think about it. How many of us have imagined that we were strangling a colleague from across the room using only our minds? All of us have. It's an important moment in the film because as LaParmentier boasts about the technological powers of the Death Star, Vader reminds him that there are higher powers...that can kill you even better. It foreshadows Luke's later destruction of the Death Star using the Force. It also cues us in on how dangerous Vader really is. Sure, LaParmentier was never in anything anywhere nearly as successful as Star Wars. You might say that makes him a failure. But does it?

When I told you where you know him from it immediately came to your mind. He's eternal, even if he's not one with the Force because of his disturbing lack of faith. Most actors never get the chance to do anything substantial much less be in a memorable scene in one of the most beloved films of all time. It's like when people make fun of one hit wonders. It's easy to make fun of Dexy's Midnight Runners but "Come on Eileen" is a classic. Besides, how many hits have you had? Same with LaParmentier. Is it better to be forgotten or to live forever as the d-bag Darth Vader tries to kill for insulting his religion?

Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Black Moon Rising

By Jack Tomas | April 17, 2013 @ 8:19 am
Tommy Lee Bones

We all love Tommy Lee Jones. Who can forget his role in The Fugitive or in last year's Lincoln? But the guy has made 72 films so he was bound to make a few stinkers. The worst would probably be his turn as Two Face in the abomination known as Batman Forever. But somewhere near the bottom of his storied career is this little turd called Black Moon Rising. It's one of those films that was made to capitalize on the success of other movies/shows, in this case Knight Rider. It has fast technologically advanced cars, vaguely evil bad guys, and he wears a leather jacket that is way too tight. The film also stars Linda Hamilton when she was still really hot and scenery chewing future insurance salesman Robert Vaughn. It's eightiesarific and hurts so good.

Tommy plays a thief who is sent to steal some data tapes from a computer place for reasons that are never really explained. When some other dudes that, I guess, are also looking for the tapes come after him, he hides the tape in the weird license plate pocket of an experimental car he sees at a gas station. This is the titular Black Moon. It looks like a cheap knock-off Mexican toy version of the DeLorean from Back To The Future made out of old egg crates and toxic lead paint. But Tommy needs to get the tape back or Bubba Smith, (the former football player famous for playing Hightower in the Police Academy sage), is going to kill him. Unfortunately, Linda Hamilton steals the car and takes it to a secret chop shop/evil lair in a high rise that is under construction. The building is owned by the Robert Vaughn who has goons steal cars so he can sell them to shady characters. Why I guy that can afford to build skyscrapers would bother with selling stolen cars is besides the point. Tommy seduces Lina Hamilton, (because who can resist that face?), and they come up with a plan to steal the car. Linda is tired of Robert Vaughn trying to have sexual relations with her. I imagine that Robert Vaughn's penis looks like a miniature version of him with his face and hair at the top. Who wouldn't be scared of that? The movie ends with a car chase in the building (!) and a lot of physics defying car stunts. Dear God it's so terrible/awesome.

The script doesn't make any sense. The cool car that is featured is neither cool nor does it have that much screen time. It would be like only seeing KITT for 3 minutes of an episode of Knight Rider. We're supposed to believe that Tommy is a sexy badass, which just doesn't work. I'll buy the badass part, but I don't care how low he unbuttons his shirt or wears tight pants and leather jackets he's still an ugly redneck from the Texas hill country. There is no way he would nab Linda Hamilton. Unless he too has a weird penis with his face at the top. I can see that if Linda Hamilton only had the choice of a Robert Vaughn topped penis or the Tommy Lee Jones topped penis she'd choose Tommy. Robert Vaughn's brylcreemed hair probably hurts. The effects are laughable, like something 15 year olds making an action movie with an iPhone might make. That being said, if you want to turn off your brain completely and enjoy some utterly fantastic 80's garbage, Black Moon Rising is for you.

Kraft Resurrects The Kool-Aid Man…And Makes Him Lame

By Jack Tomas | April 15, 2013 @ 3:43 pm
Oooohhh Noooo!

The Kool-Aid Man is back...sort of. The Kraft food corporation, which owns Kool-Aid, has decided to unleash a new version of the classic talking pitcher of red deliciousness. The old Kool-Aid man was morbidly obese...probably because he is almost 50% sugar. The new guy is skinnier, probably to convince people Kool-Aid isn't horrible for your health. He also talks a lot. Kraft says he has an "undeniably fun personality." The old Kool-Aid Man pretty much only said "Oh Yeah!" as he busted through a wall. This Kool-Aid Man says stupid s%#t like, "I put my pants on one leg at a time. Except my pants are 22 different flavors. I've got grape pants, I've got watermelon pants." He's also not a dude in a suit anymore, he's CGI. I'm sure he'll be doing some stupid out-of-date dance that the 50 year-old ad execs thinks is still cool. Lame.

Why must must ad people ruin everything? First of all, I friggin' love Kool-Aid. It's delicious. I'd like to pretend that I'm too old and too enlightened about how it's all chemicals to not want it. But that would be a lie. There is NOTHING better on a hot summer day than an ice cold glass of Kool-Aid. Secondly, I like the old Kool-Aid man. He was fun and brash. He broke things and brought people refreshing beverages. And as you'll see in the above video, he also stops crime. Can a CGI person physically arrest criminals? No.

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