Jack TomasWebsite

Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

Happy 20th Birthday To The Horrible “Super Mario Bros.” Movie

By Jack Tomas | May 27, 2013 @ 8:00 am

I'ma Luigi And I Ama Ashamed!

Twenty years ago this weekend The Super Mario Bros Movie was deuced out of Hollywood's flabby butt into theaters across America. It may be one of the biggest abominations in film history. Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo play Mario and Luigi, (an English dude and a Latino guy?). Dennis Hopper played King Koopa in all his coked-out scene chewing glory. Instead of taking place in a trippy land of little penis-shaped goombas and spiky turtles, the action happens in a world where Koopa has somehow managed to evolve dinosaurs into people but they are still kind of dinosaurs, I guess? I don't know, but it is friggin' terrible. I've said it before and I will say it again, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to make a movie based on a video game. Always. The narrative structures are completely different plus video game stories are rarely all that fleshed out. I can explain all of the original Super Mario game in one sentence, "Two Italian plumbers travel through pipes to The Mushroom Kingdom to rescue a princess from the evil Bowser". Not exactly Shakespeare.

The makers of the film know how bad it is. Hoskins said it was the biggest regret of his life and if he could do one thing over it would be not to make this movie. In this video, John Leguizamo offers a bit of an apology and a bit of reflection on the film's legacy. As talented as Leguizamo is, he's lucky he ever got work again.

Saruman Is Dropping A Metal Album

By Jack Tomas | May 24, 2013 @ 1:40 pm

Rip them all down!

Christopher Lee, Saruman himself, is dropping a heavy metal album called Charlemagne: The Omens Of Death. Yes, it's about Charlemagne the Frankish king and yes it will be badass. It's actually the second album Lee put out about the first Holy Roman Emperor. In 2010 he released Charlemagne: By The Sword And The Cross. They are the kind of metal concept albums sprinkled with medieval history, Dungeons and Dragons, and Satanism that your burnout headbanger cousins would have enjoyed in 1983. I'm no expert in the field, (I'm only metal with a small "m"), but I think this album sounds darker and heavier than the last one. I guess it's a more mature piece. He was only 88 when he did the first one, after all.

Christopher Lee is f%@king amazing. The dude is 91 years old! He was awesome as Dracula, Saruman, all those Tim Burton movies, and even in that piece of crap Attack of the Clones. I for one hope that the powers of darkness preserve me as well as they have Christopher Lee. Behold the first track off the album and despair!

“Dr. Who” Dalek Found In A Pond. Prepare For Extermination!

By Jack Tomas | May 23, 2013 @ 1:39 pm

Exterminate!

When I was a kid my grandfather and I used to watch Dr. Who on PBS, (the old school one with Tom Baker and his White man 'fro). I was terrified of the Daleks. For those of you who weren't virgins until you were 23 and don't know what that is, Daleks are a malevolent cyborg race that is bent on universal domination and are Dr. Who's greatest enemies. So, imagine my horror when I read this story about a dude in England finding the head of a Dalek in a pond. Marc Oakland was helping clean a shallow pond when he felt something by his foot. When he pulled it up it was indeed the decapitated head of one of the dreaded mechanical killers. The easy explanation is that the production was probably filming nearby and the prop fell off of a truck or something and sunk.

Or maybe that's what they want you to think. I always had a notion that Dr. Who was real. I need to get me one of those sonic screwdrivers. And a Tardis. And grow my hair out. And get a goofy scarf. Watch the Daleks in action in the video above. EXTERMINATE!

Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: C.H.U.D.

By Jack Tomas | May 22, 2013 @ 1:45 pm

Watch Video

When I first moved to New York City several years ago I liked to seek out places I'd seen in movies. The Ghostbusters' firehouse in Tribeca, the park by the Queenboro bridge from Manhattan, and The Godfather's house in Staten Island. But I only had to look down at my feet at a manhole cover to think about all the C.H.U.D.s that were hankering to eat me. C.H.U.D. was ahead of its time in a way. It addressed both the problems of the environmental impact of toxic waste as well as the growing homeless population in New York. But really it's all about the goofy monsters and their love of eating people that make this movie so wonderfully terrible.

C.H.U.D is an acronym for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. It seems that some crooked politicians have been dumping toxic waste in the sewers and this has mutated the homeless people that live underground into monsters with a taste for man flesh. Naturally. John Heard stars as a photographer doing an assignment photographing the city's homeless population when he learns that they have been disappearing. He teams up with Daniel Stern, (you know, from City Slickers, Home Alone, and the voice of adult Kevin from The Wonder Years), who plays "The Reverend" to find out what's happening. They discover the C.H.U.D.s and the conspiracy that led to their creation and have to figure out a way to stop them before they eat everyone!

The message of the movie is laid on pretty thick. Government complicity in causing pollution, the general lack of care for homeless people, and the deliciousness of human flesh is very much on the screenwriter's mind. The only problem is that I don't really see what solution he offers other than saying, "You better be nice to homeless folks and recycle or they will become monsters and eat you." An important lesson. The movie is a classic in the of mid-eighties schlocktacular sci-fi/horror genre. It was really the second coming of the B-monster movies from the 50's. C.H.U.D. definitely has a bit of The Blob and even Godzilla in its DNA. Only the rubber lizard costume from Godzilla looks like The Matrix compared to the rubber masks in C.H.U.D. even though it was made 30 years before. Watch it today and give the homeless dude on the corner a dollar tomorrow...or else!

Zombie Parkour? Yes.

By Jack Tomas | May 21, 2013 @ 9:41 am

Undead X-treme!

We all know that the zombocalypse is coming. The question is which kind of zombies will they be? The drug addled psychos from recent news stories? The slow moving ghouls of George Romero? Or the running zombies from 28 Days Later? I don't know. What I am sure of is that I hope they are nothing like the zombies in this video that can friggin' parkour. The video itself is pretty cool and the stunts are amazing. But it does bring to mind my own athletic shortcomings viz a viz not having my brains eaten by the undead. I'm overweight and I have a bad knee. I could maybe get away from the slow moving guys if they don't cut off my escape route. But I know I don't stand a chance with zombies that can either run or bounce around buildings and climb walls.

If Z-Day has zombies like this...well...it was nice knowin' y'all.

Forget 3D, Pizza Smelling Movies Is The Next Big Thing!

By Jack Tomas | May 20, 2013 @ 11:12 am

Eu acho que vou vomitar!

Do you like movies but wish that they smelled more like delicious junk food? Then you are in luck! Scientists in Brazil, (who previously brought you Pelé and bald vaginas), have invented a DVD that gives off Domino's Pizza smell when played. You may remember DVDs as the flat disks that contained movies and hours of bonus features no one ever watched. They are still popular in Brazil where downloading movies off the internet is limited due to all of the soul-crushing poverty and whatnot. When you play the DVDs, a, (probably), carcinogenic substance is released that fills your room with syntho-pizza scent. The disk itself will then have turned its brown-grey label into a pepperoni pizza looking sticker that gives off even stronger pizza BO when you eject it. Magic! The idea is that this will make you want to order a Domino's Pizza. I see some flaws in the reasoning.

Linking smell and movies is nothing new. Smell-O-Vision and Aroma-roma were competing systems developed in the 60's that would flood the movie theater with scents relating to the action on screen. Jon Waters later spoofed these with his disgusting smelling Odorama scratch-and-sniff cards for Polyester. The problem is that the synthetic smells became so overwhelming that people were too distracted to watch the movies. Instead of making them want to buy popcorn, people just yacked in the aisles. Also, what's to say that the pizza smell from the DVDs would prompt me to specifically buy a Domino's Pizza? I live in New York City where there is a pizza place very two blocks. I will often pass one and smell the deliciousness and think, "I'm going to get a slice...at a pizza place I know and like and not Original Ray's VVIIIXX that might suck". And finally, is it a good idea to encourage people to eat more junk food and get even fatter? If we gain too much more weight we are going to knock the Earth off of its axis.

Nerd Fight! “Star Wars Fans” Battle “Dr. Who” Fans In England

By Jack Tomas | May 17, 2013 @ 5:43 am

Star Wars and Dr. Who fans got into the dorkiest fight ever at a sci-fi convention in England. It all went down in Norwich when the local Star Wars club put on a sci-fi con. Dr. Who actors Graham Cole and Jeremy Bulloch were there to sign autographs, so naturally lots of Tardis lovers left their mom's basements to see their heroes. But when the the Dr. Who fans showed up, the Star Wars fans started verbally abusing them. Many insults were hurled between puffs on their asthma inhalers. So, the Dr. Who fans did what any self respecting person would do and called the cops and whined that the mean old guy dressed like Darth Vader told him to "Da-lick my nuts!" or whatever. I tend to agree with Admiral Akbar when he said, "It's a trap!"

Why would the Star Wars club invite Dr. Who "celebs" to their convention if they hold the show in such poor regard? I think that they wanted to pick a fight with the Whoheads. This makes me think that the organizers may be Sith. Nerds have a hierarchy like any other group of people. It's arguable that Trekkies are on top and Star Wars fans are on the next tier. But Dr. Who is definitely a few steps down the sci-fi virginity pyramid. Was this just an opportunity for one group of nerds to push around a smaller, weaker, less economically profitable franchise? Maybe. I'm reminded of the time I went to see a midnight screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith on opening night and two guys showed up dressed like hobbits. The Star Wars fans started booing and throwing stuff at the wee Shire folk. But why would you show up looking like Samwise Gamgee if you weren't looking to start some mess?