Jack TomasWebsite

Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

Did This Kiss-Cam Couple Really Breakup?

By Jack Tomas | May 9, 2013 @ 12:00 pm

Your Kiss Is NOT On My List

A video of a couple appearing to breakup on the kiss-cam at a Grizzlies game is making the rounds this week. It all started on May 3rd when the kiss-cam repeatedly focused on a couple that was clearly having a fight. The guy just didn't want to kiss his girlfriend. The third time they pan to the couple, she appears to break it off with señor douchenozzle. The girl is then comforted by the Grizzlies' mascot. Many viewers on Reddit called "shenanigans" on the whole thing. The team Tweeted in response:

@zaratv @tommytrantv @stevetvnews No shenanigans here...

— Fresno Grizzlies (@FresnoGrizzlies) May 7, 2013

It looks kinda staged to me. Why do they keep panning back on them if they don't want to kiss? Why is the mascot conveniently waiting to comfort the girl? It brings up how friggin' annoying the kiss-cam is. What if I'm busy watching the game or eating a hot dog? What if my wife is busy texting her friend? Why should you be guilted into kissing for the entertainment of a bunch of drunken sports fans? I don't like the coercion of the whole thing. Then occasionally someone proposes during kiss-cam. That's not fair. Doing that puts a lot of undo pressure on the girl to say yes. What if she wants to think about it or doesn't feel ready but doesn't want to embarrass the guy in front of 60,000 spectators? I say we get rid of the kiss-cam and stick to important things like, oh, I don't know, the game.

Great, Now We Have To Worry About Sea Monsters

By Jack Tomas | May 9, 2013 @ 5:05 am

Release The Kraken!

The list of things that are going to kill us increased this week when a friggin' sea monster washed up on a beach in New Zealand. The creature was found by some Kiwis, (People from New Zealand not the fruit), on Pukehina Beach in the Bay of Plenty. The initial reaction to the horrifying beast was, "Crikey, mate what the f$@king s#&t is that thing?!!!" Scientists examined the body and identified it as a diseased killer whale that had decomposed in the water before the carcass ended up on a beach in Middle Earth. Um, I've been to Sea World and that thing doesn't look like Shamu. It resembles a nightmare from the bowels of hell to me. Some Kraken-like beast out of a Lovecraft novel that someone might envision during an opium induced seizure.

As Egotastic's resident Apocalyptologist I find this development very disturbing. OK, I know I said the world was going to end last December and hid out in a bunker with my cat and it didn't happen. While the timing was off, the end is definitely nigh. Zombies, aliens, ninjas, and robots were bad enough without having to worry about some biblical monster rising from the seas. All I know is I need to get out of this island I live on and move inland. Maybe Kansas. No sea monsters attack Kansas.

The Data Is In: Porn Is Really Popular

By Jack Tomas | May 7, 2013 @ 10:32 am

I've always suspected that most of the Internet is mostly made up of porn. The rest is videos of kittens and puppies and selfies of Amanda Bynes. It turns out I was right. A study by Paintbottle.com compiled from several studies show that 30% of all data transmitted on the Internet is for fap reasons. The popular site YouPorn uses 6 times more bandwidth than Hulu. Monthly hits to porn sites are more than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined. Only YouTube gets more hits, (so I guess cute animals win). We all know that most men like to watch porn and a lot of women do too. It's so much easier to click on Iron Dong III: The Return Of Tony F$^k than have to think up stuff to whack it to. And yet porn still has a stigma attached to it. Isn't that a little hypocritical?

I say that if we want to keep watching porn we should celebrate it. If more people are watching movies starring Rod Thickpiece and Gee Gee Swallows or whatever than Gwyneth Paltrow or Tom Cruise's flicks, then why aren't they as famous? If we get enjoyment from their work, why should we judge them so harshly? Have most Hollywood movies stimulated you to the point of triggering a physical and emotional response? The only thing most movies make me feel is rage over the $14 I just paid to watch them. Either we need to stop watching porn or we need to stop pretending like we don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go watch Sliver Bangings Playbook.

Congress Investigating The Imminent Alien Invasion

By Jack Tomas | May 2, 2013 @ 9:46 am

Beam Me Up Congress

Today Congress is conducting hearings on a very serious problem: UFOs. Today is day three of your tax dollars funding actual members of congress sitting through 40 witnesses and "expert testimony" on UFO sightings, cattle mutilations, alien abductions, and alien's love Reese's Pieces. A group called Citizens Hearing On Disclosure has petitioned Congress to launch a full scale investigation on aliens visiting Earth. Sure, it's easy to make fun of this. You might say, "I can't believe the taxes I paid last month are funding a serious examination of something that with 98% probability is total BS. Yes, it may be diverting vital resources from dealing with the economy, healthcare, or anything else based in reality. But what if aliens are among us?

I've been telling you for a while that the end is nigh. The only thing I'm not sure of is which horrible end awaits us. Zombies might do it, but we know of no disease that will raise the undead. The robocalypse is a real possibility, but the singularity in when machines achieve sentience may be decades away. But IF aliens have been visiting Earth for centuries, doing experiments involving anal probes, and killing cows they could show up at any moment and laser blast us to death. So, go on congress, investigate. Even if it's a waste of time it won't be the stupidest thing congress has ever done.

Guy Blows $2600 At A Carnival, Gets Giant Rasta Banana

By Jack Tomas | May 1, 2013 @ 9:47 am

Irie, Dumbass

A dude in New Hampshire blew his entire life savings...on a carnival game. Yep. Seems that wife beater shirt enthusiast Henry Gribbohm thought it would be fun to play a ball toss game at the local carnival to win an Xbox Kinect. A sane person that doesn't look like a prison rapist probably would have stopped after losing $20. He blew through another $300 trying to get back the original twenty. Not to be undone by a game that like all carnival games was probably rigged, he went home and got the $2300 he had been saving all his life. That too went into the small mutant hands of the carnie. So, no Xbox for Henry. What did he get for $2600?

A giant banana with dreadlocks. Yes. This story proves the old adage about a fool and his money. It also shows what happens when gambling gets out of hand. Basically you end up with a Rastafarian fruit. I guess he could cut a slit in it and have sex with his new friend as no one wants to screw a guy who is both broke and this stupid.

Madonna’s Sexy Fish For Sale

By Jack Tomas | April 30, 2013 @ 6:08 pm

Can a sculpture be a pervert? I think so. At least a giant bronze fish that once had a run in with Madonna seems to be a bit on the sleazy side. You may recall, if you are old like me, that Madonna used to be really hot. This was before the Kabbalah turned her slowly into Gollum. In 1992 she published a book called SEX, which mostly involved her in various naked scenarios. She even got it on with Vanilla Ice for "art". One of these pics involved a large bronze fish. Now that same fish that once touched Madonna's cooter is for sale on Ebay for $9500. The worst part is the product description which is "written" by the fish. He states,

"I am Otto, the great bronze fish...I am the fish that had a very special encounter with Madonna in 1992 when she posed naked on me for a photo in her famous SEX book. My interlude with Madonna involved intimate contact that culminated with the extraordinarily artful photo.

OK, pretty creepy. But then it gets worse as he offers himself as a venue for your own debaucheries:

It’s been over 21 years, but I still savor the memory of Madonna’s naked body, and I am definitely better for the experience. Trust me, Madonna was superfine in her prime and now you can amuse and delight yourself and your friends by re-creating the iconic pose that captured her so beautifully. You will be the auteur as I’m ready and primed for new adventures! Everyone loves posing on me, and I am proud to display the strength of my spouting water stream."

I can take a lot of things but I draw the line at sexually predatory sculpture. It just goes to show the lethal power of Madonna's vagina. She ruined Sean Penn, she tainted the name of Jewish mysticism with her wankery, and now she can apparently animate horny statues like fishy Pygmalion brought to life by her vagina wizard. Just say no to Madonna's p#$sy power.

Rocky And Other Stupid Musicals Based On Movies

By Jack Tomas | April 29, 2013 @ 11:32 am

View the Gallery / 7 Photos »

Rocky is coming to Broadway. Yes. The classic movie about a mentally challenged boxer from Philly getting a shot at the heavyweight championship is getting the musical treatment. It was conceived by Sly Stallone himself and premiered last fall in Hamburg. The show will tell the tale of the Italian Stallion through songs by Stephen Flaherty and Lynn Ahrens and a book by Annie writer Thomas Meehan. This is just a stupid idea. How are you going to have a musical whose main character can barely utter an intelligible word and a female lead who doesn't speak for half of it? The production could cost up to 15 million in order to recreate the big boxing and meat punching scenes. Not that Rocky is the only movie to be turned into a crap musical. Here is a list of 7 of the worst films turned into stage musicals.