Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

Today In Japanese Weirdness: The Burger King Black Burger

The bun is black. The cheese is black. The meat is also black. The sauce is, you guessed it, black. It's the douchey goth kid of burgers and you can only get it at Burger King in Japan. It's called the Kuro burger and the bun and cheese have charred bamboo in it, which just sounds weird to me. "Can I have some more charred wood bits on my food, please?" The burger has a lot of black pepper which is probably a step up from the tasteless grey hockey puck you get in a Burger King burger here in the states. The sauce? Made with black squid ink. Look, I know people eat it in pasta and calamari but on a burger from Burger King it is just friggin' weird. Look, I know I'm being a burger jingoist here. I know that to someone from Japan this may seem like the most delicious thing since they invented the soiled panty vending machine.

As for me, I'll stick with my normal brown burger with a brown bun and yellow cheese like the good Lord Jesus H. Christ intended when he invented the cheeseburger in the year 31 to feed the multitudes.

Behold Canadian Penis Satan

Hail Satan, eh?

Vancouver is an interesting place. It's about as cool as Canada comes to cool. That's why I wasn't surprised that, of all the places in which an anatomically correct statue of Satan could appear in the Great White North, it would be Vancouver. The statue was erected (tee hee), in secret one night on a pedestal that once held up a statue of that other Satanic dick, Christopher Columbus. The statue is nine feet tall and represents the horny devil in his classic red fork-tailed form. What put a bunch of people in a tizzy was that he also sported a giant red phallus. Erect. The city promptly took it down but a petition was started to return the statue for the enjoyment of Vancouverians (Vancouverites?). The petition reads,

"By removing the statue of Penis Satan, you are taking from us our freedom of expression, restricting our sexuality, and stigmatizing our religious beliefs. Please return him immediately."

No word yet on what is going to happen to Penis Satan though a local weirdo that runs an "odditorium" has asked for it. No one took responsibility for putting Penis Satan up in the first place. Perhaps it's just one of those mysteries that will never be solved.

Joanna Krupa Looking Sexy In An Aqua Blue Bikini

Polish professional hot person Joanna Krupa was looking hotter than a freshly boiled perogie in an aqua blue bikini in Miami. Joanna has an amazing pair of funbags that look incredible in this bikini top. Oh, there is is some splendid cleavage, my friends. They are like two perfectly round melons. Melons you want to, (ahem), squeeze. Her booty is also outstanding. I imagine that the people around this pool gave her a standing ovation for her bootilicious booty. Maybe a slow clap that builds into an uproar like at the end of an 80's movie. I also think her hips look incredible in this bikini, especially the area where her hips meet her upper lady bits area. This is an unappreciated part of the female anatomy. I'm not even sure what it's called. The occidental pooch?

Joanna lives there in Miami and has appeared on the celebration of plastic surgery mistakes known as the Real Housewives of Miami. That show is...unsettling. But I've watched it on the off chance Joanna shows up.

Britney Spears Unveils New Collection ‘The Intimate Britney Spears’

Hall of fame hottie Britney Spears unveiled her new line of lingerie at New York's Fashion Week. The line is called "The Intimate Britney Spears" and from what I can tell from the models in the background, it looks pretty darn sexy. It's the kind of stuff your wife wears on your birthday. Though, alas, Britney was not modelling the lingerie herself, she was nice enough to wear a shirt that was open to her stomach. Brit Brit, as is sometimes the case, also forgot to wear a bra. The result is some killer cleavage and a little bit of front side boob. Britney is still one sexy little minx all these years later. I remember back in the day drooling over a very young Britney in the "Baby One More Time" video where she was a sexy school girl. Now, nearly 20 years later she is still causing boners wherever she goes.

That's why as far as sexy American women, Britney is one of the true legends. And, like I said before, she often doesn't wear a bra.

The Grim Reaper Is In Albuquerque

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Death comes to us all, it is inevitable. But usually it isn't literally death that comes to you, like a real Grim Reaper. That is unless you are in Albuquerque, NM. A "man" dressed like the Grim Reaper is hanging out in the San Jose del El Rosario Cemetery, sometimes with flowers, which is nice. He calls himself, wait for it, the Light Wanderer. Yup. When asked why he does it, he creepily replied,

"There is a place where sleepers sleep and dreamers dream and patiently await. There’s nothing to be afraid of except those who seek to cause harm, pain, destruction."

Sure. All I needed in my life was the Grim Reaper actually walking the Earth. I've been warning you guys for years that the end is nigh. Now that Death walks among us we can be sure that we are all doomed. Well, at least if you are in New Mexico.

Forget The Ice Bucket Challenge, Here is Japanese “Boob Aid”

The last month has been a series of people pouring buckets of ice water over their heads for charity. Certainly, they've raised a lot of money for ALS research. But the stunt itself is kind of, meh. Sure, it's unpleasant but so what? Personally, I'd like to do something that doesn't suck. Like, say, touch a porn star's boobs. Leave it to the Japanese to do something wonderfully perverse for charity. Stop! AIDS is an organization in Japan that raises awareness of HIV/AIDS. In exchange for a donation, horny fans get to squeeze their favorite porn star's boobies. The whole event was live streamed for all of the people who couldn't be there in person to feel up the ladies. The event ran for 24 hours and raised millions. Needless to say the ladies probably were pretty sore.

To see the pictures, which contain nudity, look here.

Jasmine V Sexy In A Pink Bikini Video Shoot

Sexy singer Jasmine V sizzled in a pink bikini during a video shoot for her latest song in Aruba. Jasmine's pert boobies looked amazing in the top which showed off some seriously glorious cleavage. Her silky legs were also on view and me likey. Now, I'm not one for tattoos but hers are kinda doin' it for me. She's got a large rose tatt running down the side of her torso and it is pretty darn sexy. Jasmine is also sporting my all time favorite sexy accessory: the belly button ring. I can' really articulate to you how hot I think a woman with a toned stomach and a pierced navel is. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe it's because that whole belly button piercing thing started back when I was in high school in the 90's and all the hot girls I had crushes on got them.

Whatever it is, I can't wait to see the finished product of this video. With a bikini that small how could it not be good?