Jack TomasWebsite

Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He's originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. He has also worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com , Tuvez.com , Egotastic.com , and Directorslive.com . He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

The Cost Of Superman’s Victory In “Man Of Steel”

By Jack Tomas | June 19, 2013 @ 6:36 am

Thanks, Superman?

I don't think it's a spoiler to say that Metropolis gets seriously f$#ked up by the end of Man of Steel. You can see in the previews that Superman and General Zod have an epic god-man battle in the middle of the most populated city in the DC version of Earth. But just how much damage was done? The list-lovers at Buzzfeed brought in Charles Watson from Watson Technical Consulting to assess the damage. They used the Metropolis-like cities of New York and Chicago as stand-ins and discovered some truly frightening results. They estimate that the battle would have killed 150,000 people, trapped another 250,000 in the rubble, and injured almost a million. That's almost twice the number of American deaths in the Vietnam War...in one day. All told, the damage would have been in the neighborhood of 700 BILLION dollars. You have to ask yourself, is Superman really Metropolis' "defender"?

Even as a kid I thought it was weird that Metropolis, (or Gotham, or Tokyo), would be virtually destroyed by not just the supervillain but the superhero as well. Every time Superman throws an empty bus at Braniac or melts a radio tower with his heat vision it costs the citizens of metropolis millions in tax revenue to replace it. Sure, he stops the villain from killing everyone in the city but seeing as the villain was only there in the first place to kill Superman, he's endangered everyone's lives just being there. If he flew back to rural Kansas or Greenland and had his epic battles there, no one would get hurt. It's one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Superman should really reconsider his strategies on helping people by trying to, you know, not kill them.

Red Robin Disses Vegetarians Because Why Not?

By Jack Tomas | June 18, 2013 @ 8:13 am

Go Eat Some Broccoli, Ya Whiners!

Red Robin is in deep trouble with vegetarians after one of their ads made fun of them. In the commercial, the spokeswoman says that, "We even have a garden burger just in case your teenage daughter is going through a phase." The veggie crowd raised their weak anemic arms in protest that Red Robin is dismissing their weird lifestyle choice as something little girls do to piss off their carnivorous parents. The crappy burger restaurant's goal was to say that they have options for everyone including people who hate themselves and eat veggie burgers. Can you blame them? They are a burger place, after all.

Putting a veggie burger on the menu at a place that features hamburgers is at best a half-hearted gesture. It's like the chicken option at a fish restaurant. It's there for people who don't like fish and yet are inexplicably at a seafood restaurant. Just go to Hippie Dan's House of Tofu and shut the hell up.

The Pope Blesses Harley Davidson Wankery

By Jack Tomas | June 17, 2013 @ 10:24 am

Pope Francis took some time out of his Poping, (Popping? Poperizing?), to bless a bunch of smelly bikers and their Harleys. It all started when thousands of bikers rode their loud obnoxious motorcycles to St. Peter's Square to hear the Pope conduct a mass. These leather-clad ruffians are apparently devout Catholics. It's the 110th anniversary of the first Harley rolling off the line, so of course the first thing Italian bikers would do is head to the Vatican. Pope Francis, (who is 200% nicer than his predecessor Pope Palpatine I), blessed the bikers and their Harleys. It's a nice sentiment and all but I don't like the message it sends. Does the Church really want to endorse annoying Harley culture?

I'm no expert, but as far as I can tell their are two types of people who ride motorcycles: normal people and Harley ass clowns. Just because you own a Harley doesn't mean you are one of the bad guys. I'm talking about the jerkoffs who plaster the logo on everything they own. The people who eat at the Harley Cafe or name their sons Harley or Davidson. I mean the inconsiderate d-bags that purposefully rev their engines while riding by my window at 6am on a Sunday and wake me up. Or the smelly freaks that you have to avoid hitting on the freeway because they think that they are too cool to stay in the designated lanes. Is this the kind of behavior the Church wants to promote in their followers? It may not be a sin to make all that noise, but it should be. "Thou shalt not rev thy engine loudly to prove you have not a micropenis".

God On A Dog…Ass

By Jack Tomas | June 14, 2013 @ 12:08 pm

People have seen Jesus on toast, grease stains, and pretty much everything except a dog's ass...not until today. Jesus' latest manifestation is on the ass of a pug. Yes. The face of King of Kings' face is made up by the dog's actual asshole. How the canine managed to have an anus that looks like a bearded 1st century C.E. Jewish man is genetic, I guess. Maybe his litter mates had assholes that looked like Buddha, Zoroaster, or L. Ron Hubbard. The hair around the pugs ass appears to be Jesus' robed body with outstretched arms. OK, so maybe it's a touch blasphemous and juvenile to say that the man worshiped by 1.5 billion people as God. But then again, maybe it's not so bad.

We seek faith in unlikely places. We see it in a sunset, the smile of a child, or a red velvet cupcake from that really good cupcake place that's way better than Magnolia Bakery. Why not in the ass of a pug? Didn't God make the pug? Is it so hard to believe that if there is a God who interacts in human history that he would place his only living son on the dog's ass? There is nothing inherently wrong with a dog's ass. It's just a part of a cute little animal that's necessary for its survival. I'm not saying it is Jesus, but if praying into a dog's anus gives you peace, then go ahead and praise the butt.

Lindsay Lohan: Time To Give Up

By Jack Tomas | June 14, 2013 @ 11:07 am

Human failure and coke enthusiast Lindsay Lohan checked herself out of The Betty Ford Clinic...to go to another rehab center. She's now at the super posh Rancho Mirage in Malibu. It's one of those swanky places for rich Hollywood douche nozzles that is more like a day spa than a drug treatment facility. She got permission, (supposedly), from the judge to serve the rest of her 90 days in rehab at Rancho Mirage. Apparently, manicures and seaweed wraps make you not want to guzzle gin like it's friggin' water. It doesn't really matter does it? Nothing is going to stop this chick from ending up dead on a bathroom floor.

Every time she goes to court or has to be remanded into custody it costs the taxpayers a lot of money. The justice system is friggin' expensive. All the time spent dealing with this waste of human meat takes away valuable resources from other cases. This is America and we have the freedom to do what we want. If Lindsay wants to party herself to death, who are we to stop her? As long as she can't drive, who cares. I don't. She ain't making Freaky Friday 2 anytime soon.

Guy Arrested For Drugs & Stealing An Alligator In Florida…Of Course!

By Jack Tomas | June 14, 2013 @ 10:08 am

A man in Florida was arrested for picking magic mushrooms in a national park, possession of weed...and having an alligator in his backpack. Only in fucking Florida could something that is simultaneously this weird, stupid, and white trash happen. Rick Myers and his face tattoos went to Little Econ State Forest to go shrooming. The psychedelic mushrooms grow in the swamp's mud and animal shit. Many Floridians pick the mushrooms when they get tired of smoking meth all the time. The weirdest part is that he had tied up a two foot alligator in his backpack with a bandana. Why? He wanted to take a picture of it. Why he couldn't have taken the photo of the gator in his natural habitat is unknown. Maybe he wanted to take the gator home and dress him up like a cowboy or ballerina and have a real photoshoot? We may never know.

The gator was released back into the swamp and Myers was charged with drug possession, possession of an alligator, and probation violation. Yes, possession of an alligator is a crime in Florida. Probably to prevent the reptiles from getting loose in the sewers and turning into giant killer gators.

Today In Internet Insanity: Nicki Minaj – Demon Possessed Illuminati Agent

By Jack Tomas | June 13, 2013 @ 6:33 am

Tell Um Who The Hell I Is!

In this new feature I scour the Internet's darkest paranoid corners in order to find the craziest of the crazy crackpot ideas and conspiracy theories. Today I want to tell you about a video produced by a guy calling himself The Vigilant Christian, (Cue "Da-Dum-Dum!" stinger). What is he so vigilant about? Spotting Satan's evil Illuminati agents in the media, of course! In this 11 minute diatribe he explains how crappy singer and snazzy dresser Nicki Minaj is possessed by demons and works as an agent of the evil Illuminati that secretly run the world. She spreads the Satanic cabal's insidious agenda through her catchy dance pop tunes and as a judge on American Idol. Well, yeah! Thanks for stating the obvious, Vigilant Christian.

These are common tropes in the world of modern baby eating crazy conspiracy theories. A popular entertainer that acts a little weird, (or a lot friggin' weird in her case), makes folks like the Vigilant Christian very uncomfortable. Jay-Z is a common target for their bile because, I guess, he has 99 problems and being an agent of Satan is one. The fact that they are also Black and that Vigilant Christian's lily white kids are listening to them probably also plays a role. Although, to be fair, if someone was going to be possessed by Satan, it would probably be Nicki Minaj. That chick is weird, like for realsies. The main reason I think she isn't a vessel for Beelzebub is that it's too obvious. Lucifer is much more subtle than that. He would possess someone you wouldn't expect like Joni Mitchell or that one guy from The Big Band Theory. So, I doubt she is an evil minion of the Dark Lord. She's just a crappy singer.