Ariana Grande Dick Bike

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Lex Jurgen - March 27, 2017

Every song Ariana Grande sings is a metaphor for getting fucked until she can't walk. You'd think with that literary premise her audience might be men who want to fuck her until she can't walk. It's mostly teen girls who aren't fucking because they're waiting to see how Trump comes down on subsidized abortions. There remains something off-putting about tiny people talking brazenly about sex.

Grande's concert performances mimic Britney and J-Lo and Madonna insomuch as she dances in boots and tight futuristic whore costumes while gay men with incredible abs perform topless Chippendales moves. If you're letting your twelve year old watch the R-rated Godfather saga, she may handle the adult content in the context of the epic story. An Ariana Grande concert is only the adult content. The context is that fucking is amazing. Not dishonest, maybe heady.

Grande teamed with Nicki Minaj to perform a song called Side to Side, literally about walking funny after being boned. The song's filled with urban dictionary entries:

This the new style with the fresh type of flow
Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle
Come true yo, get you this type of blow
If you wanna menage I got a tricycle

Male rappers sing a shit ton about fucking too. This isn't a sexist thing. You probably shouldn't be letting your middle schooler take up Ariana Grande or Chris Brown. People made babies for tens of thousands of years before songs about loving to fuck. It's pornography, though covered under entirely different laws. So, none.

Because of the dick bicycle bit, Grande's concert production includes her on stage riding a stationary gym bicycle. We get it. Her male backup dancers are also riding bikes. We get that too. Caligula had more nuance. You're going to need ID to see Best Picture winner, Moonlight. Midgets in boots in a dick bike orgy, six and up. 


Photo credit: FameFlynet

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