Another Sexilicious Lingerie Ass-Jiggling Demonstration Reminds Us: Motion-Gaming Isn’t ALWAYS Bad (VIDEO)

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chris-littlechild - November 13, 2012

But when it is, all kinds of holy shit are unleashed. It's reminiscent of the ancient adage Grandma Egotastic used to recite to us:
When she was good she was very, very good, when she was bad she was horrid.

She still does, incidentally, during our bi-monthly visits to hose her down and change her piss-sodden blankets.

Good, as we're sure you can all attest, is rarely supplied... more good-erer than the above video. It's a delectable leering look at the correct manner of utilizing motion controls in video games. (Mr Nintendo, we're given to understand, is fervently pondering the notion of including a trouser-troubling model with each Wii purchase. Skimpies and shorter-than-short-shorts short shorts sold separately.) Alas, the bad is nothing less than a massive steaming mound of horseshit. Once again, content yourself with a brainful/groinful of the above or continue reading for a woeful rundown, rated EP for Excessive Piss-taking.

As the Wii U impends, we resume our salutation to the control revolution that its predecessor heralded with its infernal Wiimote. Before his men love scantily-clad womenfolk epiphany (a wild notion that was the fruit of strenuous research, the culmination of which was a dude scrawling I like tits on a discarded sheet of A4) Mr Nintendo sold the Wii's motion-sensing capacities via such plastic craptastic as -hold your noses, gentlemen, as this is so appalling that you may shit- the Wii Zapper.

There have been copious such add-ons: tennis racket attachments, Balance Boards, Mario Kart wheels et al, everything Satan found down his blocked Underworld u-bend one overcast morning and thrust upon us like the great bastard he is. The Zapper, nonetheless, is as absurdly futile as any of them. Why shoot by pointing a small piece of ass at the screen, reasoned Nintendo, when you could instead opt to do so by pointing a massively cumbersome piece of ass in its stead? (This wasn't the official advertising blurb, we'll concede, but it should have been.) Allegedly resembling an actual gun, thus metamorphosing even the paunchiest of us into veritable Rambo-tastic action heroes as we play, we were in actuality presented with a massive jackboot of suckitude to the bollocks. And it resembles a futuristic sex toy, to be used by our sexually frustrated robo-servants in the year 2100.

The remaining two pillars of the hair pulling, middle finger raising, mothers' weight problem mocking gaming triumvirate have fared abysmally too. Since its inaugural appearance in November 2010, the wheat-to-chaff ratio of software for Microsoft's Kinect has been nigh-universally derided. Critics have reached such eloquent conclusions as, "Shit in my mother's mouth!This thing should be shot in the face before it unleashes more evil upon humanity!" Harsh but warranted, we'd venture, with regards to such terrible as Fighters Uncaged, A misguided attempt to accrue Kinect-ers among hardcore players.

You'll be 'exausted' too, after several hours of exhorting your simpleton to respond to your commands.

This ambitious ballache died on its ass approximately a nanosecond after one commences a game. You are the controller, purportedly. So say Microsoft's commercials. Any casual observer would be forgiven for instead concluding that You are... a massive twat. Flailing in a manner akin to a drug addict is rendered even more humiliating when your dramatic attacking endeavors aren't registered in the slightest by Fighters Uncaged. Your character will stand motionless, while your foe dispenses gleeful kicks to your piteous crotch area. This is exacerbated by the fact that blocking requires back-bending feats of contortion that the world limbo champion would bust a nut trying to accomplish. In summation: similarly shit-tacular.

The saga continues will Sony's largely-feculent Eye Toy, and more on the past and present of motion-controlled gaming, in the next installment.

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