An Anti-Steampunk Message From Jack Tomas

Today I was walking along 34th st. and 10th ave. in Manhattan at 7am when I saw peculiar sight: a guy dressed like a steampunk zeppelin operator or whatever. Not that it's necessarily weird to see people around NYC dressed steampunkish, but at 7am by the McDonald's on 10th ave? It's too early for wankery of that magnitude. For those of you that don't know, steampunk is a mix of Victorian era technology with modern gadgets. It's popular among certain sci-fi books, comics, and movies. So, an iPhone would be made of wood, be steam powered, and brass pipes or something. People who dress steampunky wear leather helmets, goggles, long waistcoats, and anything else that makes them look like a reject from Final Fantasy VII. I would like to issue a warning to the people of New York City: If I see you wearing steampunk, I WILL punch you in the testicles.

Steampunk was cute, I guess, for 15 minutes in 2003, but give it a rest already. I know that the leather duster and brass leg greaves you bought with your mom's Amex cost a lot of money, but it's time to start dressing like you are a grown-up and not a villain from a children's book. You look ridiculous. So, I will punch you in the balls when I see you. Understand, it's not done out of hate. It's because I love you and I want you to stop being such a tool bag. And yes, I will punch a woman in the vag if necessary.