Amber Heard Humble Hero

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Lex Jurgen - March 27, 2017

Amber Heard recalls a crazy day seven years ago when she took the plunge and told an Ellen show website interviewer that she was bisexual. Obviously the reporter was also gay, as was everybody else within eight nautical miles of Ellen's re-imagined Isle of Lesbos luxury flotilla. Heard claims her revelation shocked the reporter, which is odd since it was widely known that Amber Heard was long since dating that chick who wore the giant hats. Heard had been arrested a year earlier for grabbing her girlfriend hard by the arm at the Seattle airport. 

Heard spoke before the Economists' Pride and Prejudice conference where attractive women with unfounded tales of Hollywood discrimination were invited to speak so the Economist readers might stay awake:

“It did impact my career; it was difficult. It was not easy. I was the only one working in this way, so it was definitely difficult, because no one had done it. … I did that even though everyone told me it would end my career without a doubt.”

By impact, Heard may be referring to how her movie roles tripled following the announcement nobody read since they already knew. She met Johnny Depp on Rum Diaries shortly thereafter and went straight for the money. Yes, that's a double-entendre. 

"I stand here now among many of my romantic leading lady peers who are out and fluid. I’m one of many now, and I’m working. … If every gay man that I know personally in Hollywood came out tomorrow, then this would be a nonissue in a month. We have a long way to go.”

What if instead of refusing to sit in the back of the bus, Rosa Parks had fucked hot models at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons? It's a civil rights question for the ages.

Heard's lone sapient point to the conference was that a bulk of Hollywood actors are closeted gay men. It's nothing newsworthy, but more factually correct than her claim that making out with chicks hurt her career. She's booked Justice League for the next twenty-seven installments. That allowed her to stop pretending Elon Musk's touch made her coo. Gay history is written by the winners.


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