Alexis Ren in A Bikini

I like when bikini models gush in interviews how they loved working with their photographer. It's a signal to the world they're down with the program. I loved when Uncle Randy used to take me dress shopping in his van. Bill Cosby actually was an excellent mentor. Rubbing my vagina is how the photographer makes sure I glow in photos. Lunch? I don't need to be fed. I'm going to climb that dangerous rock naked now if it's cool with you. If I die, don't worry, I didn't tell anybody I was coming here.

I can't condone heterosexual marriage, but if you must, choose this girl. Or a dead woman who's name is still on the social security rolls. Neither of them will spill your secrets.