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5 Ways The World Is Going To End This Year

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bill-swift - June 5, 2012

The Mayans were right, the world really is going to end in 2012. This past week two asteroids flew dangerously close to the Earth. Though NASA said that the asteroids didn't come close enough to hurt us, there is one thing about the whole story I find disturbing: They didn't see them coming. That's right, the brainiacs we pay with our tax dollars to watch the skies for falling rocks and alien invasions didn't see the asteroids until they flew dangerously close to us. Besides the falling rocks, scientists have also stated that the sun is going to shoot off some wicked solar flares that may scorch the Earth and disrupt our computer networks. Imagine if suddenly everyone in the world couldn't check Facebook or watch porn. Mass murder in the streets. Don't bother paying your student loans or anything and kiss your ass goodbye. So, here is a list of possible ways the world might end this year.


Asteroids

Like I said, NASA didn't see these things coming. Need I remind everyone how the dinosaurs died? An asteroid hit somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico and wiped out most life on Earth. If an asteroid can destroy millions of T-Rexes, what do you think it would do to Ohio? It doesn't have to be a big asteroid either. A rock just a few hundred feet long could wipe out New York City. Think of it as a celestial atom bomb. Nuclear winter, all food destroyed, waters poisoned. A downright astronomical biblical apocalypse. So, please NASA, keep your eyes on the ball.

Snooki's Baby

Snooki is pregnant, which is frightening enough. But there is a possibility that the orange troll might give birth on December 21. Guess what that is? THE DAY THE MAYANS SAID THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! According to Mayan mythology, every 5000 years the feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl returns to Earth and destroys it. I would not be surprised if the day that pygmy troglodyte spreads her legs to give birth if a giant Mesoamerican dragon flies out of her gaping vaginal maw and roasts us all for our sins. Namely, letting Snooki be so famous.

Solar Flares

In 5 billion years or so our sun is going to supernova and destroy the Earth. That doesn't mean that it won't wipe out all life before that. Imagine a giant ball of flaming gas shooting a flamethrower at your face at the speed of light. Not fun, right? Well get ready. Sometime in November or December, (there's that pesky date again), scientists are expecting "massive solar flares". They might cause no damage. They may only interrupt communication a little. The flares might also wipe out all electronics on the planet like a giant EMP. Or roast us all. We're all going to need SPF 5,000,000 sunscreen on that day.

New Plagues

Have you heard about Chagas? No? Then let me fill your sleep with nightmares. Chagas is a disease that's carried by mosquitoes in Central and South America. The skeeters bite you and inject a parasite in your body that can lay dormant for years, like HIV. Then it attacks your heart and organs until you die. There is no way to prevent getting it. If you are bitten, you're dead. How long do you think it's going to take for those mosquitoes to reach The United States?

Global Warming And Frozen Vikings

Vikings were the scariest mofos that ever walked the face of the World. They would stab you in the face, rape your horse, and eat your wife. I saw a documentary on this Viking corpse that they found on a mountain in Scandinavia that was eerily preserved. Now, imagine that a Viking fleet wandered into a glacier in Greenland and was frozen inside. Global Warming is melting the glaciers. Pretty soon, a fleet of Vikings is going to thaw out and land on the coast of New Jersey and they start killing Bon Jovi fans and burning down the Gap. So, recycle or a Viking is going to rape your skull.

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