Perhaps you’re an aficionado of all things Jackie Chan. You might live, breathe and crap Jackie Chan. His acrobatic badassery in movies, his questionable Chinese pop music career, his charity work… what’s not to like?
You might even say that you’re a big freaking Jackie Chan fan, man, if you’re the kind of guy who busts rhymes like Eminem with no effs given. But even you, hypothetical dude, can’t handle The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan. It’s just too much Jackie Chan.
This little doozy is an arcade fighting game from 1995. It’s a remade edition of the far-more-sensibly-named The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan, in which the main man himself wasn’t even playable. And who the balls wants that? Nobody, that’s who. So, after a scathing review or two (‘this shit needs more Jackie Chan in it,’ that sort of thing), this upgraded edition hit arcades. Good news, gentlemen: the game was now 300% more Chantastic.
Visually and gameplay-ily, it’s an odd cross between Fatal Fury and Mortal Kombat. A standard-issue one on one fighter, it has finishing moves but lacks the bone-crunching, internal-organ-punching violence of Fatalities. But what is does have –and this is key, right here– is three separate playable Jackie Chans. The man is half of the game’s entire roster by himself. He will not and cannot be stopped. Special moves and such differ, but it’s the same character in the end.
There’s a subtle message here: you really should be playing The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan as Jackie Chan. Otherwise, what you’re doing is wasting everyone’s freaking time.
Ultimately, though, it’s all moot. You can’t out-Chan Jackie Chan. As Cracked reports,
“…unlike other fighting games, this one makes it perfectly clear when you beat Jackie Chan that you didn’t actually beat Jackie Chan — when you win a fight, he immediately jumps back, having sustained no harm, and says something like “Good fight!” or “You’re getting better!” …meanwhile, all the other characters simply lie on the ground in the same situation, dead or defeated.”
While his opponents lay all mutilated and blood-leaky on the kitchen lino, what does our hero do? Remains entirely unharmed, dicks about a bit, and sasses you and your futile efforts. Just so you know what you’re dealing with here.