First, let me be clear about this. While those sandy marks on either of Claudia Romani's blessed cheeks do clearly resemble my little eager baby hands, I am nowhere near Miami Beach at the moment. As always, my alibi continues to be drunk and passed out in a strip club in Los Angeles where several girls named Savannah can vouch for my all night stay. Still, I wish those were the mark of my prurient paws for the mere touch of Claudia's booty is said to have the healing powers of the Fountain of Youth. Or at least two aspirin and a Viagra. Hot damn her blessed bottom makes me want to do extraordinarily stupid things.
As you know, once the laws of this land catch up to my internal moral compass, I shall take Claudia's killer tush and make it my bride. If a man can't love another woman's asstastic forever and ever, I don't know what love is. Truly I don't. My family already knows. But I want the entire world to know. I love Claudia Romani's butt! That was my Lloyd Dobler moment. Enjoy.