Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Turns Out, Women Can’t Masturbate OR Grow Weed

Any excuse to re-use this image.

Apple’s elite team of App Store lawyer-dudes must be working on commission. All week, they’ve been merrily waving their banhammer at every interesting video game submitted to the service. Y’know, like the power-mad crazy bastards they are.

Well, by interesting, we mean ‘pertaining to wanking or weed.’ And by every, we mean two. But it’s a damn good two.

HappyPlayTime
has already been rejected. What kind of world are we living in, when the noble pursuit of teaching women to masturbate via a creepy little touchscreen babyfaced-vagina-thing needs to be censored? We don’t know what in the name of holy hell ‘the secret lives of female genitalia’ might involve, but we totally wanted to be a part of it. Apple, that’s strike one right there. Darn spoilsports.

Meanwhile, Weed Firm was already available. It was innocently teaching us to grow pot and giving us bonus XP for accumulating 1000 oz of weed and not bothering anybody. In fact, it had reached the top spot in the All Categories list. Still, we all know the number one rule of being a hard-ass: Sometimes, you’ve got to change your mind (on a whim, for no effing reason) and suddenly decide UP WITH THIS SHIT I WILL NOT PUT.

The most bizarre part? As Kotaku reports,
“You can find places to buy weed on the app store. You can rate different strains of weed. You can download apps that teach you more about marijuana, or get apps that will give you various cosmetic weed changes to your phone. You can even roll fake joints. You can’t, however, download a game where you grow marijuana.”

Apple’s message is clear: Marijuana? Masturbation? Screw them both.

The good news is that Weed Firm may well make its way back to the store, amended a little. Quite how, we don’t know, but our App Store overlords seem pretty pissed now. It’ll probably be a literal Weed Firm, tasking you with removing the pestilential plantlife from people’s yards. Fun-tastic!

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