You Shouldn’t LOVE Hot Pockets

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Ew.

A young man who goes by the handle Versacepockets is getting a lot of flack for making sweet sweet love to a Hot Pocket. He claims he did it to gain Twitter followers because, you know, clearly if you have sex with a meat and cheese snack people will want to follow you. It didn’t work. He has been banned from Twitter and Vine. I don’t understand how you would dare attempt this stunt. It is a fact that when you make a Hot Pocket the insides are beyond hot. The clue is in the name, HOT Pockets. The filling is so hot at first that it is no longer a solid and has turned into plasma like on the surface of the sun. To stick your willy in there is…ill advised. He said,

“I just thought it was so f—-n’ funny. I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, ‘Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.’”

Yes, because putting a piece of rubber on your penis that is going to melt onto your member is a better idea. Besides the heat there is the fact that Hot Pockets recently had to recall a bunch of their tasty treats for being made from “unsound animals”. Maybe I’m a prude but I don’t want to do sex with unsound animals.

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