Kelly Brook Moves on to Purple Stretch Pants, the Color of Booty Royalty

I’m not sure why any of the twenty-seven reps for Kelly Brook I’ve tried to contact haven’t gotten back to me yet. All I want is a simple meet and greet with the actress and model while she’s here in Los Angeles. I’ve even offered to be bound and encased like Hannibal Lecter. Just prop me up on a handcart so I can lay my eyes through my metal face guard onto the fine female form of Kelly Brook. Stretch pants and all, please.

Kelly is daily hitting the gym and martial arts centers here in town, keeping her shape shapely but not out of bounds, and testing out my limits of how many pairs of stretch pants I can see her booty in before I go Mentos in Diet Coke reaction. Just so stellar curvy fine. I wish she would drip some of her sweat at my abode. Really, just the sweat and the pheromones I could collect would keep me going for six months. I think I’m starting to see the reason why she’s not calling back. Enjoy.

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