All I Want for Christmas Is Emily Ratajkowski (Kris Kringle, Show Me the Honey!)

Of course I asked Santa for the much needed video game console upgrade this Christmas, as well as holiday essentials such as booze that doesn’t taste like gasoline and penicillin. And, yes, of course, I listed the obligatory ‘peace on earth’ just to let Santa know I’m a thoughtful kid. But at the very top of my list this year was Emily Ratajkowski.

When I wake up early Christmas morning in my vintage Star Wars pajamas, it’s Emily I’d like to find on the coffee table beneath my 3-foot aluminum replica Yuletide pine with flocking included. Emily has been my significant breakout starlet this year, which has less to do with Emily’s career trajectory and more to do with my anatomical reaction to seeing Emily doing her ridiculously hot bodied thing, in the shower quite included.

C’mon, St. Nick, this is the year. Remember back in ’01 when I asked for Final Fantasy X and you got me a Joey Fatone marionette instead? You so owe me. Let’s do this. Enjoy.

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