An Open Letter to Baby Flynn About Me and Your Mommy

My Dearest Flynn:

I want you to know that your mommy and your original daddy who was once in a pirate movie and likes to wear motorcycle helmets still care for you very much. And I hope someday you can understand that there are forces in this world even more powerful than parental love. Like the raw passion two adults feel for each other than can’t be ignored. I’m talking about bare nekkid honey slathering bodily desire to slap body parts together morning, noon, and night, until the neighbors call the cops. Moaning, screaming, shaking eruptions of heat meeting heat in a carnal pit of indignity. The good news is, you will get many new toys to keep you occupied and nanny will be taking you on so many long, long walks. Also, you’ll have all the appropriate counseling services you require, provided I can find Groupon rates for the doctors. 

Love,

Uncle Bill

Note: I’d ask that any press inquiries regarding Miranda Kerr and her marital separation be referred to IMG Models in Sydney and any inquiries regarding Miranda and myself can be answered later today at the In & Out Burger on Sunset where I will be bragging to anybody interest in listening.

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