Some men have sex with women and some have sex with men. Gerard Streator has sex with furniture. Streator was arrested last year after an off-duty cop caught him forcing himself on an unsuspecting couch on the side of the road. The cops said that he approached Streator who was "thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions." The officer arrested Streator for committing lewd acts in public. He got five months in prison and has to pay a $243 fine, presumably to pay for dry cleaning the cushions. Some might say, "Big deal! This is a victimless crime!". Is it? What about that poor couch?
Every year thousands of couches are discarded on street corners. This leaves them in danger of being raped, shredded, pooped on by a cat, or God knows what else. Fiends like Streator can't wait for a nice ottoman or sofa to be thrown out so he can make it a "love seat". It's about time that the criminal justice system finally takes a stand against all violent and sexual crime against furniture. Are we as a society ever going to be truly safe until all Sofa-Americans don't have to worry about sexual assault? No. No we won't.