If you’re a fan of history, badass American heroes or angry dudes with rifles and terrible beards (or, indeed, all three), you may already know that this week marks the anniversary of the Battle of the Little Bighorn (June 25-26). You’ll also know that it was a real crapshoot for our ol’ buddy Custer, who found himself and his men all kinds of dead. (In an exclusive interview after the battle, he asked, “where in holy hell did all those Native Americans come from? That was quite a shitstorm, right there.”)
But there’s no space for piss-takery here, as it’s time to commemorate the whole ghastly business. How, you ask? With a whole lot of snark and far too much enormous pixelated erection, that’s how.
The notorious Custer’s Revenge was released for the Atari 2600 in 1982. It comes to us –if you’ll pardon the pun– courtesy of developer Mystique, purveyors of other sleazetacular games like Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em and Bachelor Party (that’s ‘you don’t want to know’ and ‘you don’t want to know’ respectively). It takes, it’s probably safe to say, certain liberties with retelling the thrilling tale of the Little Bighorn conflict. Here, Custer simply has the big horn and chases after a nekkid squaw wearing only a cavalry hat and boots and sporting a boner the size of the Chrysler Building.
Your objective is to traverse a screen full of hurt-y bastard arrowfire (imagine a blurry, piss-poor closing scene from 300, where nobody has their damn pants on, and you’re almost there) to reach the object of your desire, who appears to be tied to a cactus. Debauchery ensues, and your score increases as you go longer without ‘dismounting.’ It’s rather like an appalling, raunchy take on Nintendo’s Helmet (pun not intended), in which you must evade the falling tools and reach the door on the other side to earn points. Except in this case, it’s a door made of big-boobed lady.
Needless to say, this abomination probably holds a record for outraging the most demographics at once. Plus another for the most hilariously, ridiculously offensive boxart ever designed (we defy you to find a hairier, more famous ass anywhere in gaming). It’s a frequent fixture of lists of the worst video games in history, and also has a runner-up appearance for Custer as unsexiest character ever to its credit. In summation, it’s a terrible piece of crap in every possible way.
On the plus side though, it is known in some territories by the rather amusing, puntastic name of Westward Ho. Don’t laugh though, it only encourages these bastards.
You don’t want to see footage of this. But you’ve got some anyway: