Great, Now We Have To Worry About Sea Monsters

dead-orca-in-new-zealand
Release The Kraken!

The list of things that are going to kill us increased this week when a friggin’ sea monster washed up on a beach in New Zealand. The creature was found by some Kiwis, (People from New Zealand not the fruit), on Pukehina Beach in the Bay of Plenty. The initial reaction to the horrifying beast was, “Crikey, mate what the f$@king s#&t is that thing?!!!” Scientists examined the body and identified it as a diseased killer whale that had decomposed in the water before the carcass ended up on a beach in Middle Earth. Um, I’ve been to Sea World and that thing doesn’t look like Shamu. It resembles a nightmare from the bowels of hell to me. Some Kraken-like beast out of a Lovecraft novel that someone might envision during an opium induced seizure.

As Egotastic’s resident Apocalyptologist I find this development very disturbing. OK, I know I said the world was going to end last December and hid out in a bunker with my cat and it didn’t happen. While the timing was off, the end is definitely nigh. Zombies, aliens, ninjas, and robots were bad enough without having to worry about some biblical monster rising from the seas. All I know is I need to get out of this island I live on and move inland. Maybe Kansas. No sea monsters attack Kansas.

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