Kraft Resurrects The Kool-Aid Man…And Makes Him Lame

kool-aid-man
Oooohhh Noooo!

The Kool-Aid Man is back…sort of. The Kraft food corporation, which owns Kool-Aid, has decided to unleash a new version of the classic talking pitcher of red deliciousness. The old Kool-Aid man was morbidly obese…probably because he is almost 50% sugar. The new guy is skinnier, probably to convince people Kool-Aid isn’t horrible for your health. He also talks a lot. Kraft says he has an “undeniably fun personality.” The old Kool-Aid Man pretty much only said “Oh Yeah!” as he busted through a wall. This Kool-Aid Man says stupid s%#t like, “I put my pants on one leg at a time. Except my pants are 22 different flavors. I’ve got grape pants, I’ve got watermelon pants.” He’s also not a dude in a suit anymore, he’s CGI. I’m sure he’ll be doing some stupid out-of-date dance that the 50 year-old ad execs thinks is still cool. Lame.

Why must must ad people ruin everything? First of all, I friggin’ love Kool-Aid. It’s delicious. I’d like to pretend that I’m too old and too enlightened about how it’s all chemicals to not want it. But that would be a lie. There is NOTHING better on a hot summer day than an ice cold glass of Kool-Aid. Secondly, I like the old Kool-Aid man. He was fun and brash. He broke things and brought people refreshing beverages. And as you’ll see in the above video, he also stops crime. Can a CGI person physically arrest criminals? No.

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