We all know that, for better or worse, a new series of Star Wars films is heading our way faster than 12 parsecs, (Yes, smartass pedants I know that parsec is a unit of length). We don’t know a lot about them other than JJ Abrams will direct at least one, Michael Ardnt is writing Episode VII, and Lawrence Kasdan is also writing one. But what will the story be? We are pretty sure it takes place after Return of the Jedi and might feature Luke, Han, and Leia. The writers have a wealth of stories from the expanded universe that they can draw from. There is the excellent Timothy Zahn Thrawn trilogy and the Legacy of the Force books in which Han and Leia’s son becomes a Sith and must be defeated by his twin sister and cousins. While a lot of the expanded universe stuff could be great material, other stuff…is not. Two EU stories must in no way enter into anyone’s mind while creating the new Star Wars. I’m talking, of course, about The Star Wars Holiday Special and The Ewoks: The Battle For Endor.
Remember The Ewoks: The Battle For Endor? No? Good. The Ewoks are very controversial in the Star Wars geek world. Some people love them and others loathe them. In 1984, Lucas decided it was time for the Ewoks to have their own made for TV movie. The first one was called Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and is really awful. A family crash lands on Endor and are captured by a monster and have to be rescued by an annoying headband-wearing child named Cindel and the titular caraven of courage, (a bunch of Ewoks in a line). But Battle for Endor is soooo much worse. Cindel’s parents are killed by an evil sorceress and then she, Wicket, and the other Ewoks have to defeat the evil sorceress and save Endor. It’s so…so…well, terrible isn’t the word. Abomination? Unholy? I don’t know, just watch it in the above video.
Much Internet ink has been spilled talking about The Star Wars Holiday Special but it’s worth reinforcing. In 1978 Lucas wanted to cash in on the phenomenal success of the first film. So, he sent Han, Luke, and Leia to celebrate Wookie Christmas with Chewbacca’s family on Kashyyyk. We meet Chewie’s wife Malla and his son Lumpy. Yes, Lumpy. The Empire shows up like The Grinch to ruin the celebrations and there is something about a meal that isn’t coming out right.There are bad cartoons and a video by Jefferson Starship. Carrie Fisher is noticeably coked out of her skull and Harrison Ford looks like he wants a light from the set to fall and put him out of his misery. Watch it below and despair!