We’ve already beheld the farcical, craptacular oddities that were South Park Rally and Chef’s Love Shack. As Grandpa Egotastic would always say, though, “Weaponry that consists of firing a homing sex-dog desperate to hump your foes with one of those diminutive little lipstick-wieners they have is just not enough goddamn crazy. I need more! MORE!” As such, we’re now bringing you the final installment of Acclaim’s South Park bastardizations, perhaps the most preposterous of all.
Because how often do FPS titles afford us the opportunity to piss on a snowball and wang it ‘tween the eyeballs of a marauding troupe of giant malevolent turkeys that want to EAT US IN THE GONADS?
Not, we’d venture, all that frequently.
This eponymous ballache, a 1998 N64/PlayStation/PC shooter, finds us again opting to play as one of the four youthful protagonists of the show. What ensues is a cavalcade of weirdness that would, quite plainly, fondle the festering ballsack of a syphilitic hobo to be as demented as the source material. Lamentably, though, it’s another half-assed, diluted, limp-scrotumed homage to something infinitely more entertaining (see also: every damn TV/movie video game adaption in the cosmos).
Chef has deigned to take a break from his impromptu songs about getting his dick out and introducing it to the intimate areas of an assortment of female companions, to inform our crude quartet of their impending fiery doom. With a sideorder of doom and copious quantities of doom sauce. A comet approaches the planet, one which the game alleges is a rock of pure unadulterated evil. Perhaps it’s the sort of bastard that rings neighborhood doorbells and runs away. By so doing, the occupant believes they have a visitor, and rises to greet them, only to discover to their chagrin that -are you ready for this, because you may shit- there’s nobody there at all! Incidentally, bonus points are in order for this deceitful enterprise if your victim was taking a piss at the time. See that little trail of wang-dribble flecked across the hall carpet? That was you, that was.
But we’re getting off topic. Such queries as how in the name of Satan’s favorite fluorescent pink disconcertingly-snug-around-the-package-resulting-in-that-horrifying-bollock-bulge speedos can a big ol’ chunk of rock be evil aside, the comet has the insidious effect of mutating and addling the minds of South Park’s citizens (turkeys, sentient robo-toys, Big Gay Al, all these mad bastards). Your objective is to defeat these abominations with a dodge ball to the gonads -oftentimes literally- to defend the town and resolve this several shades of holy shit situation.
To do so, you’ll traverse a small crop of vaguely South Park-centric locales, dispatching your foes with Terrance and Philip dolls (which are thrown like eccentric hand grenades that make quips about farting and engulf aggressors in clouds of toxic gas), cow launchers, a high-velocity egg sniper rifle -to wit, a chicken’s ass- and other such ludicrous weaponry. The multiplayer is mildly entertaining, but this enforced zaniness with a capital Z (and ANINESS) belies the identikit, festering heap of horseshit that we’re dealing with here.
Lest we forget, also, its shit-tastic nineties 3d renders the game about as visually attractive as a bulldog’s bollocks.
Header image source: www.dooyoo.co.uk