I Just Dub-Stepped in a Big Pile of Sh#t By Seeing ‘Spring Breakers’

A Review

Okay, let’s just get this out of the way at the very top: Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson (especially), and even Rachel Korine will fill my dreams for the foreseeable future and all deserve to be looked at and lusted over in the bikinis they wear throughout this movie. Okay? So I get it. Yes.

That being said…What the hell is this movie? The ‘plot’, if you will, is basically four girls stuck in a very nice looking college campus with huge parties and great facilities that just complain and whine about how they’re never going to get out of town. But they’ve been saving up money all year for Spring Break in Florida. When do they decide to count all this money? Why, the day they leave of course. Only to discover….NOT ENOUGH MONEY?!?!  Maybe you should’ve done a count more than a few hours beforehand? 

So like any reasonable human beings, they decide to knock off a chicken shack, burn the car they stole to do it and then take a bus down to Florida to appear in the first minute of about an hour’s worth of montages of people partying set to trance music. In fact, this movie is like Inception. But instead of dream, within a dream within a dream, it’s a montage, within a montage, within another montage. I’m not even kidding: Montages flashback to other montages. And instead of Edith Piaf music, it’s Skrillex playing as their ‘kick.’

You also can’t partake in an armed robbery and spend several days drinking underage, smoking weed and doing lines of blow off some topless girl and then when you’re busted by the cops wonder, ‘How could this happen?’ Because Selena Gomez sure does. Over and over again.

And we haven’t even got to bat-shit crazy James Franco yet. But what’s the point. To dissect this movie on purely rational things like story, plot, characters, editing, pacing, etc. is futile. Its ninety-seven minutes long. People behave irrationally insane for people in their position for about ninety of them. The remaining seven are the credits and landscape shots of the ocean.

All that being said…staring at Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson for ninety-seven minutes isn’t exactly the worst way to spend your time.

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