God of War: Ascension is Here! Celebrate With 5 of Kratos’s Craziest Kills (VIDEO)

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It was more than a forceful head massage for Zeus.

God of War, as you can all attest, is one of the most goretacular properties in the gamingsphere. A hack and slash in the most viciously visceral, literal terms, this is a balls-out action extravaganza with its balls right out (we’re not, fortuitously, referring to Kratos’s penchant for wearing wang-waving loincloths, like those hey, look at my bollock-bulge speedo guys on the beach. Even if it is true). Not that we’d expect an Asian horror movie-esque tale of blood-leaking, murderizing vengeance to be a jovial, merry affair.

To wit:

“I say, Zeus, would you care to join me in the yard to drink my homemade lemonade and discuss poetry, kittens, and heartwarming romantic comedies unerringly starring Tom Hanks?”

“Oh, rather! That sounds positively fabulous!”

“Well you can’t. Instead, I’m going to stab you in the wang. Several times.”

“Why, you massive bucket of bastard!”

No. That’s not even slightly what happened. To business, though, as a salutation to yesterday’s release of the much-ballyhooed series prequel, God of War: Ascension, here are Kratos’s finest wins over the ancient gods. His most marvelous mythological murderizations, if you will. Which you should, because that’s some deft wordplay right there. Above we saw Zeus’s demise in God of War III; now take a look at the rest of the countdown for soul-taking, Rastafarian-esque dreadlocked deities and hundred feet-high demon women having their boobs poked at with swords. (This content is rated EBVPS, for Excessive Booby Violence with Potential Spoilers.)

2. Hades, God of War III:

3. Ares, God of War:

4. Poseidon, God of War III:

5. Clotho, God of War II:

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