The bonanza, we’ll concede, consists of... those two. Still, in a month that yields both God of War: Ascension and Gears of War: Judgment for our gaming delectation, it’d be fairly dickish to be pernickety about trivial matters like using goddamn words correctly. Who has time for that? Nuts to it.
But let’s hasten to board our rapidly departing train of thought, lest it speeds off to crazy town without us. As the avid movie aficionados and gamer guys among our gentlemanly ranks can attest, the prequel is a powerful tool. There are several notions that can birth them: Trilogies that proved rather more successful than expected, game designers/directors reading ‘Clichéd Asshattery That’ll Ensure You Contine to Make Several Shitloads of Cash, Because all Those Drugs and Prostitutes Won’t Buy Themselves 101: A Wanker’s Guide,’ or... both of those goddamn things simultaneously.
You may think we’re being cynical and/or massively piss take-y here, like the mocking mocksters of mass-mock that we are. You may think this, and you may be right. Nonetheless, when two big ol’ wang-waving leviathans of the gaming world emerge within a week of each other, striding heroically down the sidewalk with their dicks out and indulging in testosterone-tastic who can piss highest up this wall contests, you’ve got to take note.
As such, today we acknowledge that there are several huge sacks of goddamn war going on in the gamingsphere right now. Whether you’re partaking of the Gears of or God of variety, we are truly blessed with a veritable orgy of blood-leaking, scrote-stabbing violence (which is, of the varieties of orgy which don’t have any sex in, probably the best).
Gears of War: Judgment is a tale relayed by means of flashbacks from Baird and his team at a military tribunal. The much-ballyhooed ‘innovation’ at hand here is that the developers claim each COG’s anecdotes will differ fleetingly with each telling, ensuring that no playthroughs of the campaign will be identical. They’re watching! They know our previous experiences! It’s like the shenanigans depicted by George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984, except with less chance of inspiring some huge heap of televisual horseshit like Big Brother. For this, and for subtly retooled and refined controls and new multiplayer modes (free-for-all and the locusts-versus-humans wonderment of OverRun mode), we are certainly thankful. Take a look at our previous coverage here and here, and this fresh -NSFW- language-infused- example of OverRun mode below:
Meanwhile, last week’s God of War: Ascension bestows upon Kratos the Blades of Chaos, and an array of theatrical combo capacities (yes, more of them). Our antagonists in this venture are the three Furies, by whom Kratos was incarcerated for renouncing Ares when his Degree in Advanced Assholery from the University of Bastard-ism was revealed (to wit: after that family-stabbing incident). Will he escape their cloying clutches, avenge himself upon his former master and murderize hundreds of hapless assailants right in the gonads in the process? It’s probably safe to venture that he will. Again, behold some previous Ego-footage here and here, or opt for an ass-numbing first thirty minutes of the game below: