Wii U’s ZombiU: Still Nintendo’s Greatest Exclusive ‘Adult’ Offering Since Princess Peach’s XXX Home Video

You know what they say about English teeth.

Not that we’ve seen/scoured the web with our pants off for such a video (internet history, delete!), although we’d bet our bollocks that something has been mocked up. The porntastic obsession of the internet is rivaled only by the enterprising dude that keeps installing panty-dispensing vending machines on Japan’s high streets. The randy bastard.

Nintendo, as we’re sure you’ll all attest, have long been afflicted with a ‘casual’ brand. Presumably, said brand was burned onto the asscheeks of Asian businessmen long ago, like beardy old farm bastards in the Wild West were wont to do to their cows’ rectums. Even if this isn’t how it transpired (and it totally is), there’s an alarming disparity between the family-friendly funsters and the other two prongs of gaming’s stab you in the dick… with fun trident: Sony and Microsoft.

It is, primarily, a matter of horsepower and aesthetics. With a copious dollop of ‘attitude’ atop it. (It’s a matter of three matters, then, but we shan’t be pernickety about that.) With Nintendo’s penchant for toon-tinged extravaganzas -garish color schemes that could sear your retinas and be dismissed as ‘too goddamn flamboyantly camp’ by even the Village People- makes their consoles a less-than-hospitable abode for all our Ego-favorite franchises. Will you find Dead Space 3, Grand Theft Auto V, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance and all their is that shit in my pants? Yes, yes it is wonderment on Wii/Wii U? You won’t. Sporting all the ‘horsepower’ of an arthritic donkey will one leg and a limp does little to aid their cause either.

ZombiU Screenshot 2As the internet nerdassins allege (whilst peeing outrage-urine into Coca Cola bottles and mailing them to the big N’s HQ), the company is not making sufficient efforts to cater to the more discerning, gamer’s gamer. Whatever the hell that means. The Wii’s resplendent, launched into the stratosphere on a solid gold jetpack, accompanied by flying Pegasus-esque unicorns that shit money success can be attributed to its all-pervading appeal; but pensioners and drunken revelers can only dick around with Wii Sports and Another Tedious Minigame Wankfest IV: This Time, It’s Shit-tacular for so long.

All of this renders ZombiU the most vital of Wii U’s launch offerings for all of us dudely dudes. In a zombie-infested, plague-ravaged contemporary London, you are beset by the ravening undead endeavoring to eat your face off in the face and/or thrusting their festering crotches in your direction. Having mixed feelings about this whole situation, our protagonist (a randomly-generated survivor) embarks upon a precarious venture around Queen Lizzie’s shit-stained subway system and various landmark areas of the city. Guided only by the enigmatic radio-voice of may or may not be an asshole ‘The Prepper,’ your goal is to ascertain just what in the name of Satan’s ballsack has happened, and whether it can be resolved.

Not the most revolutionary concept, given the ubiquitous nature of these moldy mofos today, we’ll concede. It’s the mechanics of the game that make it an essential purchase for all Wii U adopters. It constitutes the first appearance of true survival horror on consoles for some considerable time. Since Resident Evil 4: Leon Kennedy and His Foppishly-Floppy Hair Shoots Many, Many Angry Monks in the Eyeball, the series has largely middle-fingered the notion; instead favoring more ammunition that your can shake your huge dangling action game credentials gonads at.

While there’s still some semblance of horror to be had there, and in Visceral Games’ acclaimed Dead Space series, survival has become rather moot as guntastic gunplay with guns on has become the norm. This is where ZombiU delivers with aplomb. Foraging for scant resources in the foreboding streets is a refreshing homage to Capcom’s exploits in the Spencer Mansion, as is the intentionally-stunted combat system. Melee attacks that utilize your oh-so-British cricket bat must be ‘charged’ and timed perfectly to connect, while your scant supply of firearms use a rather floaty aiming mechanic which reflects the amateur status of the normal, random dude/lady striding about London when several actual goddamn zombies got all up in his/her business characters.

ZombiU Screenshot 1

Image source: www.bagofgames.com

Which is the pertinent point. You’re not a badass renegade marine with the capacity to lay waste to the encroaching hordes with naught but a humorous one-liner and a contemptuous middle finger. These rotting bastards are just as fast and agile as you (to wit: not very), and even a lone shambler poses a formidable threat. You have a meager health bar and healing items to withstand regular I punch your face blows, but a bite equals instant death. Whereupon, you’ll awaken as another survivor with paltry default supplies, forced to return to the scene of your previous blood-leaking violence-o-death and defeat your now-undead previous protagonist to reclaim whatever inventory they had at the time of their demise. Death has a genuine consequence, as you cannot squander what half-assed resources you have managed to accrue.

Any weapon-centric level ups you may have gained in your previous ‘life’ will be forfeit, and another death before reclaiming their spoils will see everything lost. All of these elements are refreshing indeed. An all-pervading sense of dread so palpable you could cut it with a knife to serve with a wedge of Brie, hunk of man-brain and a fine Chianti (should you be one to indulge in that pretentious wankery). A deft blend of jump scares and is that a dumbass rat my motion sensor is detecting, or a zombie claustrophobia-inducing ‘horror.’ Most remarkable of all (besides the fact that this was created by Ubisoft, with their anti-Midas everything-I-touch-turns-to-a-heap-of-horseshit touch), this is a launch release for a Nintendo system. Which, in some territories, has its own deluxe console bundle. In summation: a statement of intent? We can hope.

To conclude, what you need right now -RIGHT NOW!- is a quick gameplay video:

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