The Universe Is Going To Explode. Have A Nice Day!

So, the universe might blow up. I know I've predicted the end of the world before...like last week with that meteor in Russia and the Mayan apocalypse thing, but this comes from science. Remember last year when sciencey dudes announced that they might have found the illusive Higgs boson particle? The so-called "God particle" is a sub-sub-sub-sub atomic thing that is what allows all other particles have mass. You, me, Sofia Vergara's boobs, and Donald Trump's combover only exist because of the Higgs boson. Well, apparently they think that this a-hole particle might make the universe so unstable that it will one day blow up. Get that? THE WHOLE UNIVERSE, Boom! Since the Higgs boson permeates all space it influences even vacuums, (the absence of matter not a Hoover upright), so nothing is safe. Even nothing will go kablooey!

They say it won't happen for billions of years...but how do they know that? They just found the damn thing last year. Joseph Lykken, one of the guys working on this thing, says of the explosion, "You won't actually see it, because it will come at you at the speed of light, so in that sense don't worry." Gee, thanks.