Because, as we’re sure you’ll all attest, when Mr. T wasn’t pitying the fool, he was consuming homecooked meals prepared in what can only be described as a ass-on-fire goddamn hurry by the Flavorwave oven. The A Team never deigned to jump the shark. Giant gorilla gonads to that. It jumped the Flavorwave oven. Every damn episode. As the great B. A. Baracus was wont to say, “I ain’t getting on no plane… that doesn’t have adequate facilities to cook a whole bastarding rhinoceros in about four seconds.”
Preposterous as the above commercial undoubtedly is (and how often do you see a celebrity of Mr. T’s caliber, a veritable ballistic missile of graying-mohican, middle-aged-spread badassery demand, “a delicious, homecooked meal, one that’ll keep my waistline beautiful?” Not, presumably, all that often) it’s just one example of the nauseating depths to which celebrities will stoop in the name of… hawking shit.
Without further piss-takery and/or ado then, in honor of Justin Timberlake’s Bud Light commercial during the Grammy Awards last night (the only way he could get any poor bastard to play his shit-tacular new single, Suit and Tie, without pointing some manner of firearm at the gonads of a member of their family) we’re bringing you five of the Most Craptacular Celebrity Product Endorsements Ever.
2. Al Pacino‘s coffee addiction:
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s whatever the shit it is Asian drug:
4. Hulk Hogan‘s Ultimate Grill:
5. Hulk Hogan‘s… road safety? (He always hauls ass out of the way when an ambulance is barreling past with its siren a-screech because, naturellement, “it’s probably on its way to pick up the last dude who thought he could beat me in the ring.” Of course it is, Hulk. Now put your dick away, and keep your genitalia-wrestling sessions on the internet.