Richard III Found Under A Parking Lot, Has to Pay For Extra 192,483 Days

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Researchers in England were surprised last week when it turned out that a deformed skeleton they found under a parking lot turned out to be none other than the infamous Richard III. DNA tests of Richard’s descendants plus the location and trauma to the body point to it being him. You’ll recall, (probably not), from English class that Dick 3 was the hunchback king that killed his way to the English throne in ye olde times. Richard was killed in the battle of Bosworth Field by Henry Tudor in 1485. The skeleton showed signs of having been killed by swords, knives, and a FRIGGIN’ HALBERD. In case you don’t know what a halberd is, it’s basically a huge ax/spear on a long pole. He also had knife wounds to the ass that are consistent with “humiliation injuries” often inflicted after death. In other words, some ye olde satchel of douche kept stabbing Richard in the ass even after he was dead. The bones also showed signs of scoliosis which would explain the back deformity Shakespeare was kind enough to mock in his famous play. Sure, maybe Richard did kill a lot of people including (probably) his two tween nephews. But is that any reason to stab a dead hunchback in the ass and bury him under a parking lot? That’s just ye olde f’ed up, m’lord.

Now click above to see Gandalf eat it as Dick 3 in an HBO version of Richard III.

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