Above is the trailer for a movie called Vamp U. The Apple.com trailer page for this travesty claims the movie will be coming to theaters on March 1st. But, between you and me, I wouldn’t count on your local cineplex projecting this thing anytime soon. I mean, I’m not sure what Gary Cole is doing in this movie. I guess he owed the director a favor after he made him help him bury the body of the hooker he killed in a hit & run. The jokes are staler than a 200-year-old vampire, the tone is hackneyed and the horror spoof genre has been so beaten to the ground that unless you’re doing something original like Warm Bodies, don’t bother. So do yourself a favor and just rewatch the VHS copy of Once Bitten you taped off Comedy Central ten years ago and call it a day.
The description of the ‘plot’ is:
Wayne Gretzky is a vampire with teeth that won’t grow. His impotence began when he inadvertently killed Mary, the love of his life, 300 years ago. To take his mind off the pain, he teaches college history—who better than a guy who’s been around for centuries? Attempting to regain his full vampire powers, he enlists help from his friend and colleague, Dr. Levine. Nothing works… that is until a new semester brings freshman Chris Keller—a dead ringer for his beloved Mary.
No, you didn’t misread that. The main character’s name is Wayne Gretzky. Isn’t that just hilarious?! Just like that hockey player guy. Ahhh, clever wit. The only positive thing I could gleam from this movie about guys in their 30s playing fraternity guys on the prowl for some poontang is that it features a glimpse of some sapphic scissor sister swinging with Alexis Knapp. But even that isn’t enough these days.