According to our friends at TMZ.com, Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are calling it quits after eight years of marriage. While many will read into this issues of poor marital communications, actors with busy schedules unable to spend enough quality time together, or even that little domestic abuse arrest early in their marriage, I prefer to think of this as Diane's way of letting Josh know that she's finally accepted my 15-year long offer of three minutes of the best sex Diana Lane has ever experienced in her life.
At this time, Diane and I would prefer not to answer any questions about the where, when, or whys of our shortly coming future coupling. After we exhausted ourselves of all bodily fluids, then, we'll be ready to respond to all press inquiries, as well as potential police involvement regarding certain acts of an erotic nature not allowed under archaic Federal statute. I am so ready for this.