As all you dudely dudes of Egotastic! will attest, we love our explosion-o-rama, guntacular action movies. And our video games, which are oftentimes replete with the same high-velocity bullets to your hairy nuts sensibilities. When these two factions of mass-wonderment collide into a single, gloriously ultra-violent entity, rapturous excitement results. We have to retire to a darkened room, with our pants off/an industrial-sized tub of lubricant.
Hence our anticipation for the impending Aliens: Colonial Marines. Of the much-vaunted series of sci-fi shenanigans Ridley Scott introduced in the late seventies, it is the sequel that retains most potential for the game-ification treatment. Aliens is, naturellement, mandatory viewing for anyone equipped with a fully-functioning set of manplums. It’s the melodramatic tale of marines, spacey space-horror with space on, and ugly mofo extraterrestrials coming outta the goddamn walls! Lest we forget, the film also features Sigourney Weaver kicking her own share of xenomorphs in the testicles, even while resembling somebody’s rather attractive and innocuous aunt.
The game, to be released February 13, is not a direct game-of-the-movie affair. When the film in question is almost three decades old, that would be an oddity indeed. What the shit happened there, you’d say, and nobody could cast disparaging glances at you in the street or hurry their small children away from you for doing so. Rather, Aliens: Colonial marines is a continuation, inspired by -and featuring characters and locales from- the whole illustrious franchise. (Fortuitously, Aliens vs Predator: Requiem, which sucked King Kong’s five-foot phallus, was not invited to the party.)
As the footage we recently showed you will attest, this title is replete with familiar xenomorph-forms from the original trilogy, movie-aping firearms and other such homages. Game modes will find you beset by these angry bastards, soldering doors and cowering behind barricades amid small puddles of terror-urine. You’ll also fight feverishly for access to an objective, righteously smiting malevolent aliens in their lumpen genitalia with a shovel as you go. In summation, there’s more Alien-homaging, blood-bleeding violence here than you can shake your massive badass marine nutsack at.
In summation, if Aliens: Colonial Marines isn’t already among the greatest video games of 2013, we’ll eat Eduardo, our closet-homosexual office parakeet.
As this wonderment approaches, we must lament the great array of glorious Eighties action-extravaganzas that won’t -but damn well should- make it onto our consoles in 2013. Who wouldn’t want to traverse the Nakatomi Plaza building in John McClane’s shit-stained vest, with a final boss contretemps that involves shooting Alan Rickman right in the dick? Or traverse the city as the liquid metal-infused T-1OOO, failing miserably to murderize that kid with the rather camp floppy hair?
These are rhetorical queries, as there is NO ONE EVER that does not fervently wish to do this. Developers, hear our entreaty and indulge us! You’ve attempted these particular franchise-games frequently in the past, we’ll concede, but this time utilize today’s techno-prowess and -this is pivotal- don’t make them suck monkey nuts.
Remember Alien: Resurrection, which was released on PlayStation in 2000? Of course you don’t, it was a heap of horseshit.